Women…women…women.. Part 1 “At least I didn’t bullshit you”

{Writers note:This is my first entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

I think a lot of who we are comes from our parents. I think its the singular reason they are called “role models”. A father, is the first example of a MAN that young girl has. While a mother is the first example of a WOMAN for a young boy.

I like to consider myself a simple guy…seriously… its the way my mother is. She doesn’t need much. A good day for her is not dying in her sleep, having a good cup of tea and taking a good shit.
I’m the same way.

My mother is also one of the REALEST (not a word) people you will ever meet. Brutally truthful but never a “truth brutalist” (one who beats another over the head with truth. Who destroys you with it. No mercy)

I am the same way.

As a man, I would like to speak about how being a truthful person has affected my relationships with women.

I used to work at a club in Brooklyn. Working at a club allows you to observe what works and what doesn’t when it comes to the art of conversation. Every Friday and Saturday night I got a chance to hear some truly LAME and tired-assed lines from men trying to get pussy. At first, it was pretty entertaining because you’re watching the beginning of a situation….maybe even a long term situation(usually not)
However, as time went on, I started getting disgusted by it for ONE reason: women were falling for what I knew to be bullshit. And why was it bullshit? Because a lot of men were club regulars. Every week they would try to bag a different woman. I remember one situation where the guy came with his chick and left her on one side of the club, just to talk to a new chick on the other side of the club. You think that’s pretty daring don’t you? Its really not. Your steady is naturally going to stay where you left her. She trusts you, she is loyal…because she likes you.
To USE that trust for your own benefit is not daring at all…..its just some common shit bullshitters do to decent people.

After seeing that, I was done. I started just coming to work to do my job..no need for further observation. Many men are bullshitters and women listen to it. That’s what I walked away with.
The problem is I CARED.
So not one to bullshit myself, I vowed that no matter what, the GAME I ran on women would be TRUTH. From top to bottom..how pretty I thought you looked, how long I was watching you, even how nervous I was to approach you…all truth and never the same thing twice because every woman made me feel different.
And you know what? It worked. A LOT. I found that there were quite a few women who appreciated honesty and even though those special women didn’t notice it, THEY gave me HOPE when it came to women. Because I really thought women just wanted to be lied to. I had seen bullshit lines work too many times to think other wise.

Nothing is ever ALL good, and this entry is no different.

The truth is thatI have lost a few good women being honest.
Women I love.

Its kind of trippy when I think about it..trippy and sad as all hell. see, if you’re someone a woman cares about, she is going to want to go further with you. Its natural when you feel you’ve found someone who you vibe with..someone who GETS you like no one else. What has to hurt is when that person doesn’t want to go further. For WHATEVER reason.
Five women come to mind. All shall remain nameless but each one knows exactly who they are because we are all still friends and they know how I feel about them.

As I said, these were all good women, but the truth  is that the more I feel that a relationship is forced….or that it HAS to be categorized as something..the less I like it. And that’s ME. Somehow I got my mom’s “HIPPIE” mentality (FREE LOVE!). I’ve always felt that we should love and be with each other as long as we want to. Rules? Need not be spoken about. ANY woman I was with as a steady was the only woman I dealt with. Not because rules were set in place, but because I WANTED to. Because at heart, I’m not greedy and having a stash of women or a phone full of women’s numbers is not something I EVER thought was cool. Any woman I was steady with, I told them the truth if they asked if I were dealing with someone else.
Any steady I had, we hung out and talked all the time. That’s who I am. I enjoy the company of someone I dig.

And its only natural for a woman to love someone who treats her and shows her she is the only one.
You ask “Why can’t you commit?”
Hell, I thought I was!!

But I found women need to know, they need to hear it..no less than a man does…everyone at some point wants to know where they stand.
So me, not one to bullshit a woman..I would tell them who i am. What we have now? Is what it may be for a very long time. I take relationships day by day, I don’t plan for a future because people change.
I’m not a fan of titles…I like to let things be what they are. My actions speak of respect, honor, care, even love…so why ever would you need words from me? Any man can tell you what you want to hear and even act it out…but me? I never spoke on what I would do for you..there was never anything more than being who I am and doing what I do…you either liked it or you didn’t. It was FREE.

I just couldn’t understand why someone would want to rock the boat in all honesty. But women have their reasons… In one case, it was her friends telling her shit, in another case the woman wanted to take things to another level…
In either case, I wasn’t ready.

In EVERY case it seemed that the person I am was good, but not good enough anymore.
See that’s the thing some women don’t realize: men have doubts too. The BEST of us, look at OURSELVES, especially when we keep running into the same situation time and again…just like a woman who seems to always end up with assholes. I looked at myself and saw that I’m a unique person when it comes to relationships. In some ways I’m old school, while in other ways I’m ahead of my time. Case in point: I’ve told women for years that marriage is in the heart, not in the clothes and the ceremony. They didn’t get me THEN, but more women are foregoing marriage NOW. Little by little, but its happening. Women see that marriage holds NO ONE. If a man wants to stay, then he will stay. Ring or no ring. No man should be dragged down the aisle 🙂 he should want to go with a glad heart.
And the truth is, most men aren’t like that, and women, who are affected a LOT by men (and vice-versa) are changing to that tune. More women are progressive and do things for self..my mother was progressive before it became the thing to do. She planned on not having a husband, she just wanted a son and a job and a roof over her head and she was determined to get it….and she GOT that shit. My step dad had to beg her and hound her to be with and marry him. Ironically, my mother and I share that exact mindset and personal experience.

In then end, it wasn’t commitment I was scared of, because I’ve been in enough relationships, I just don’t think you should put the love two people have in some sort of box. Categorize it…define “What this is”…
Its US woman. Why does it have to be more than that? But the truth is, many women need that definition. And I say if the actions don’t show love, then it isn’t what you want and you should bounce. Women had a problem with me because my actions and occasional words showed deep relationship and it WAS TO ME, but they simply wanted more than I could give them. That’s the best way to say it…or understand it.

I’m just a different dude when it comes to relationship dynamics..or maybe I’m fucked up? I don’t think I am, but if you do, you’re entitled.

The FACT that I could have lied to these woman NEVER escapes me when I think about my past.

I mean I HAD them.

And they had ME.

Shit was deep.

It takes a different kind of individual to keep it real when you stand to LOSE someone you really care about. I even did it with my wife.

How I do it? Well, I don’t know how else to be. I love and respect women. I’ve watched them get lied to and subsequently FUCKED OVER tons of times. I’ve got uncles who were some womanizers but those same men taught me a LOT about women.  And women taught me even more. I’m not some nice guy or some shit, I just don’t like to bullshit a woman or man. So that’s how I can do it, even though lying would keep the other person around.

I’m still good friends with the women I’ve had long term relationships with. Those are my past loves. a few have met my mom and everything…again, I show you I care…I suppose its just not enough at some point…
I suppose…

I remember having lunch with an ex and I asked her: why are we still friends after all these years?

She said “you’re honest. And that shit is really hard to find T. “

It made me feel so good to hear that. It didn’t validate the sadness I gave to the women I love…but it made me feel OK about who I am and that is so important.

Another one of my exes told me that she was sorry she gave me an ultimatum (bad idea) because its been downhill ever since. She said she was just listening to her girlfriends at the time ,when in reality, she was just enjoying the ride we were taking together. She realized that we never had stress until she stressed things. Her story didn’t make me happy in the LEAST. I take joy in knowing those I love are in good spaces not bad ones.

Another just broke up with her long time boyfriend. I invited her and her son over to the house with my wife and daughter..break ups are tough shit..tougher if you don’t have someone to talk to who you know cares about you.

Currently…I find myself reminiscing on a lot of things…you do that when you have the time that I do 🙂 but reflection is time well spent as long as you chose not to live in the past…or bring the past to the present.

To the women that I have hurt by being who I am…I should make no apologies for being the man I am..but I cannot help but to feel sorry just the same. Was I best left alone? No. I’m not a terrible person…you can certainly do worse!
But maybe I taught women about what they want. How they want to be treated..how they SHOULD be treated…not just when to leave 😦
I mean its best to have had some REAL shit once in your life, instead of BULL shit. This way if you got back to bullshit then that’s on YOU. No boo hoo’ing to your friends.

I’ve said this so many times: Let me be ME and you be YOU. Why bullshit one another?

Some women got it, but MANY women didn’t.
The women that got it, they are seared in my heart..NEVER forgotten and always reflected on with LOVE and equal PAIN.

The women that didn’t? They probably looking for god.

T.F.

2 responses to “Women…women…women.. Part 1 “At least I didn’t bullshit you”

  1. This was a lot to digest at once. Women are fragile creatures, no matter how tough they try to be, therefore must be handled as such. How you can approach a woman definitely depends on where she is in life and what experiences she has had. When I first graduated high school, I was the “chick at the club”. gullible, trusting, believing whatever some man was telling me because I craved companionship and it sounded good. Once I got married (and subsequently divorced), I was the trust issues chick, wanting a definition and label on every relationship because I was in the mindset that if we have a tittle, it cements the relationship more. (Which obviously doesn’t work.) Now that I’m in a settled, more comfortable place in life, I just want the honest, real love for however long that might last. I don’t expect it to be forever, and I don’t need a boyfriend/ fiance/ husband. Just flow, enjoy the moment in the moment, and see where it takes me. So… I get it. Keep being the realest you. You might loose some of the good ones in the process but… what’s the right girl if it’s the wrong time?

  2. “whats the right girl if its the wrong time?” goddamn shay..dunno where you got that from..but that shit moved me. i def still feel the pain of those good ones leaving..was it for the best? well, i dont know..just because my own life is cool, we will never know if i could have built something even better with someone else… the past is the past..fuck it…damn i love what you wrote tho 🙂

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