Monthly Archives: August 2012

Women..women…women…. Part 7..No matter where you go, there you are..

Writers note:This is my seventh entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

It don’t matter where you run, yah cant go far…

no matter where you go there yah are..

-Treach “Gangsters Anthem”

 

You can bullshit everyone you meet, but you should NEVER bullshit yourself…. And yet many of us do it on a daily basis… THIS is why we can be so damn STUPID sometimes. Because there are some real mistakes that we have made, mistakes that hold valuable lessons for our spirit and well being, that we refuse to acknowledge. We are embarrassed by them….when we try to revisit these mistakes in our minds, we are hit with a feeling of such SHAME or PAIN, that we bury these mistakes…these LIFE LESSONS that we are LUCKY enough to have walked away from with our health.

I’m certainly no stranger to the process of making yourself stupid..you know “fooling yourself”.. as a perfectionist, any tiny mistake is magnified in my head a hundredfold. I can remember embarrassing moments from my childhood with such clarity that it sometimes scares me. My mistakes are seared in my memory, and they serve as a constant reminder to how STUPID I can be at times. I have been my most stupid in matters of the heart. But that’s nothing new to most, if not all of us. After all, LOVING someone is not far from insanity. Because to love someone allows you to throw caution to the wind. It allows you to not use condoms with someone you haven’t gotten tested, it allows you to feel that their life is more important than your own, it allows you to trust when maybe you should not..love makes you break the rules of self preservation that we are seemingly born with.

Love allows you to risk everything….for someone else.

Yeah that’s about right.

And as I said, most, if not all of us know all about this. And yet, we tend to love foolishly. Giving our love to people who we feel deserve it, but are proven unworthy of it. The truth is, if you’re a LOVING person, you cannot LOVE everybody. Because everybody certainly does not love you. Fact. There are people who will reciprocate the love you give, and yet there are those who will attempt to use that love for their own selfish gains.

However we cannot help but to be WHO we are now can we?Sure , we can TWEAK how we are, and we can even RADICALLY CHANGE, but at our CORE, we still hold true to who we are. But many of us do NOT know who we are…and this is where introspection comes in.

The keenest eye is the one that looks inward”  The old proverb holds true and it will continue to do so forever. Because if all you see, is what is front of you everyday, then I’m sorry, you are seeing MASKS. Every day, people put on masks to blend in, to FIT, to get through another day. There are precious few people who are REAL with themselves and unfortunately, if YOU do not know who you are, you are just as lost as anyone else. The first time I looked at who I was, I was scared. You sit back in a chair, and you close your eyes and think back to times that you made mistakes or times that made you cry, or laugh..you think about every moment that you can because these moments added to the person you are. Even the small moments matter: maybe you farted in your hand one day and smelled it, as stupid as that sounds, it says something about who you are 🙂

Often times, people are scared to look within because they feel that they will be assailed with terrible thoughts, thoughts that make them cringe and even hate themselves. And it takes so LONG to build self esteem, that many times a person will choose to bury a mistake and move from it..just so it won’t make them feel weaker. THAT is the problem. Your actions, even the most minute, help to define who you are. BECAUSE THEY SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF. What YOU CAN AND WILL DO in certain instances. However can you build TRUE pride and self esteem if you do not acknowledge your actions?

Some of us even convince ourselves that we MEANT for the mistakes we made to happen. This way they weren’t mistakes. Its a way of rationalizing the mistake…or convincing yourself that YOU were in control of a situation, when you werent. Like “suddenly” sleeping with a person you really don’t like, but you do it anyway…because they are there 🙂 Yeah, that’s what you tell yourself.  Reminds me of “Pee-wee herman”… dude would slip and fall, get up, and say “I MEANT to do that”  🙂 If you have REGRETS or feel like shit about some shit you did, then its a mistake to YOU. Bottom line.

I have UNFORTUNATELY seen MANY women with FAKE self esteem. They puff out their chests, talk about how they are so much stronger because of their pasts, and how they don’t need anyone. But in the dark, when no one else is around, they are SCARED, there are parts of their past that they STILL won’t acknowledge…and they DO need SOMEONE. Fighters know, the opponent that talks the most shit is not as good as he says he is. He is simply “amping” himself up, one good punch in the face or body will rock his entire world..his spirit will be TAKEN. All it takes is one good punch. Not to knock him out, but to break him. See what I’m saying? Introspection is SO IMPORTANT to your OWN spirit. To your MIND. Its just incredibly sad that many people won’t do it because the easier path is nonacceptance…or ignorance. But I understand, because what you see in your mind, the person you truly are, can be scary…and yet it is so..liberating in a sense, to know this person. Why do you think that so many gay men feel so GOOD admitting to the world that they are in fact gay? “This is who I am. I accept it even though you cannot. I REVEL in it, even though you will not.” Its something a LOT deeper than “fuck it”.. fuck it is to give up. This is about acceptance which is so much sweeter…especially when you accept the person you are.

If you were to ask me HOW to begin… I would tell you to think about your past and go back as far as you can and RECALL everything, up until this moment in time. It won’t take a day, it may take weeks, since some memories are just so painful and need time to relive and learn from, but it will be worth all the pain in the doing. You do not walk away from true introspection unchanged. There is simply no way, unless you are very young and haven’t had many experiences. You may find out wonderful things about the person you are..and you may find out things that you are ashamed to admit. Those shames are the worst usually, but confront them, and  if you’re like me, you can see them in High definition, watch the shit you did, accept the shit you did and DON’T move on, ADD it to the repertoire of shit you can and will do on occasion. This is how you get rid of the mask you wear on a daily..THIS is how you become REAL with the person who matters most.

We are BLESSED to live THROUGH our mistakes. We are BLESSED to experience EVERY moment we LIVE. How could you sit and act as though these moments never happened? As if those moments are so USELESS. Foolish thinking. I am STILL living and still make new mistakes, but those OLD “mistakes”??? THOSE are no longer mistakes when I do them again. They turn into “shit I will do on occasion.” These things are usually boneheaded moves but hey, that’s what I do at times. Yours could be smoking weed, doing coke, fucking someone without a condom, gambling, stealing..the list of shit to be ashamed of is long as hell, but we all indulge in something..we all have needs and wants that we feel make us weak. If you hate it so much, then why do you keep doing it? Addiction? Or you just LIKE it? You won’t know unless you look at yourself and your actions. For example, some motherfuckers are just lazy and don’t want to do shit with their lives, but talk so much about shit they want to do, but the truth is, they are lazy. They are tired and the truly sad part is that if they just looked within themselves and looked at their years of inaction then they could possibly walk away admitting that they HATE to work, that they would rather have a hand out, that they are simply too lazy a person. WITH that knowledge they could possibly come up with a way to get the money they want without working for it. Instead of talking so much shit to so many people that no one cares what they have to say anymore because its just the same old shit with them. There is RESPECT in admitting that you are who you are. There is a self respect and there is the respect of society because people KNOW where you stand. That’s a great thing in a world of daily masks.

I could say more, and it would probably help to do so, but truthfully I’ve written enough for anyone to understand what needs to be done. I will say this though: Ignore who you are at your own peril. Continue to ACT as though you’re a VICTIM of the “mistakes” you make and one day you may be afraid to continue living.  Simply because you cannot trust yourself to make decisions. You will live in fear of the shit that you are capable of.  In TRUTH, There are VERY few circumstances and situations in life that you do not have a hand in.

Man/Woman UP and accept who you are and the shit you do.
T.F.

“Women …..Women..Women.. Part 6 “It’s in his kiss”

Writers note:This is my sixth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

I run an adult group on facebook. We ask each other questions and members chime in with answers. One day I asked a question that I knew the answer to: how important is kissing to you?

Since my group is made up of mostly women, the answer was a resounding “VERY”

The men of the group, myself excluded…were more on the fence. They knew how important it was even though they themselves weren’t into it. So they did it for the woman.

As I said, exclude me from that way of thinking 🙂

Speaking personally, since that’s how I like to do, I love to kiss. However my kissing is not for everyone. Its deep, it’s passionate, I’m looking to entwine my tongue with yours. I love wet kisses too. Bottom line is I give tongue and I WANT tongue in return.

This is a stark contrast to the guy I was when I was a teenager. My first kiss, which I remember vividly, was with a young lady named Monique Badil. We were at my cousin’s party….an adolescent affair. Everyone there knew the latest dances and probably knew all about kissing.

I just chilled in a quiet corner. You know…NERDIN

Some girls are attracted to that though, and Monique was one of them. Now I knew Monique but I didn’t KNOW Monique. So I knew she was kinda “fast” but I didn’t know just how fast. So we talk and of course…I talk SHIT (ahhh to be young and stupid again 🙂 anyway, the shit I was talking was so good, that she called me out on it.

“Let’s go to the school yard up the block, I wanna kiss you. You got nice lips”.

She smiled and it was such a cool smile…I remember that smile because I wanted to shit on myself so badly….but her smile made my asshole clench up to keep from embarrassing myself.
With no other option, we walked outside on a cold night…to the school yard. I felt like I was going to the electric chair. I mean I had NO FUCKING CLUE how to kiss a girl. We got to the school yard and she leaned up against the wall…
I’m thinking “God….it’s….so fucking dark in this schoolyard at night” (yeah…I know…shut up)

She says “come over here….you standing too far away”

(yeah chick, there’s a reason,  don’t wanna end up tonguing your TEETH.)

So she suddenly grabs me and INVADES my mouth. (lil’ dramatic son.)

My oral virginity was TAKEN. (More dramatic)

                                                I was orally RAPED!                      (Oscar award. Bravo Son. AND might I add FUCK the   academy. God bless.)

I Hated my first kiss.

I tried to counter her tongue with mine and we ended up tongue fighting inside each others mouths. In my head, I was appalled.

I said to myself “kissing is nasty. This looked a LOT better on “HAPPY DAYS” You know, when everyone would be in the same car “necking” as they called it in the 60’s”?  Yes folks, that’s how bad my first kiss was, I was thinking about a TV show. I wanted to be anyplace else but there.

Moments later, she pulled away from me…now THIS will shock the shit outah you.

She says : “Wow! You made me feel like an amateur!”

You fucking kidding me chick??? That whole thing was terrible. I KNOW I was terrible. I mean my head movement was NOTHING like THE FONZ’…

Before I could pull away, she invaded my mouth again….so I fought tongues with her again. I mean I was trying to figure out what I was trying to do the entire time. Eventually we walked back to my cousin’s party and she was around me all night. Stuck to me. I took her number and when I left, I saw her looking through the glass as I was leaving!
Talk about sprung 🙂

NEVER one to bullshit….especially myself, I knew I had not mastered the kiss. I knew I was shitty, I just got lucky. But I had a problem: you can’t read about kissing, you have to DO it…and I had no girlfriend….or girls as friends…or girls who even wanted to BE my friend (You know…this is pretty pathetic. Amazing how I’m not gay. But this was also the reason I had a lot of fights. I was sexually repressed)

But eventually I did run into a young woman who really schooled me. Her name was Rashida.  She was the first woman I had ever dealt with that was the same sign I was… a Libra. (I was into astrology at the time. I was sort of trying to find out who I was since I felt so different and everyone made fun of me so much….again, MUCHO fights)

She was a peculiar looking person…but so was I 🙂  she was kinda spacey too….

Rashida: “When we make love..the mountains will move because we will complete each other”

Me:    “Kay”
Side note : It mustah’ been mountains made outah SHIT because I didn’t feel anything special when we finally did have sex that one time. She had her period too so it wasn’t very memorable because it didn’t last long.

BUT!!! She was a patient and caring person and her kisses were the same. They started out smooth….nice….then our tongues would get into a nice rhythm and the head movement would follow….followed with deeper and stronger tongue movement…this woman made me fall in love with her kiss alone. Of course, I got open off this chick, I mean that’s how I was  🙂 always wearing my heart on my sleeve. Long story short, I took a trip to the Bronx to see her and she couldn’t hang for long. Then some time later she told me that she was still in love with her baby’s father. I don’t remember how I took that news…seriously I don’t…but since I bear her no ill will to this day, I must not have taken it too badly.

I refined my kissing technique through the years. Learning that some women like short quick tongue flicks( white chicks and preppy black chicks) while other women like deep kissing. I’ve heard that my kiss is something to get used to because its deep. But it’s just an extension of who I am. I’m kinda MEAN, I give emotion, passion…strength….I mean, I’m a man. How am I supposed to kiss? Look, if I was a bit more feminine, then I could kiss like prince did in “Purple Rain”. I mean I won’t front, those were sexy kisses….but I’M not a hairy little musical genius SO,  I have to stay in my lane. And more importantly, I need someone who wants to ride with me in that lane. So with that said, the women who have enjoyed my kiss tend to be some straight forward women. No bullshit types..”Let’s GO”.

Here’s some man education for you women: You can tell a lot about a man sexually from his kiss, but I mean DURING sex.


See, if a man kisses you before sex, you know, foreplay, that’s normal, classic shit. I mean that’s the shit you’re taught as a man. You learn that to get a chick ready, you kiss her. HOWEVER most men stop kissing a woman once their dick is in. THAT’S a telling sign. REALLY telling. See if a guy doesn’t take the time to kiss you deeply during sex, then your pussy is all that’s on his mind during sex. Don’t get me wrong, pussy can be awesome, but it can NEVER be all about the pussy in or out of the bed. If he is into YOU, you will get a lot of attention with kisses and touch. You will feel like a piece of candy because you’re getting kissed on so much. Now there are men who REALLY love women and they will do that to every woman they sleep with…but hey, that’s not a terrible thing….just be glad he is sexing you right now  🙂

Think of your sexual encounters ladies…
You were kissed…perhaps passionately. You know, to get you wet…a little bit of finger action to make sure you were wet…then dick insertion. NOW…how much deep kissing happened DURING the sex? If you got a LITTLE…you’re lucky. Most women don’t get ANY. Because his dick is in….this is what he is concentrating on…your pussy. And to the next position and the next position, until both y’all cum or one of you….whatever. Now you may get a kiss or two afterward and that’s cool. But were they quick pecks? Was a deep LONG kiss?
Think about it. Actions, even the slightest ones can speak loudly. In life, not every action means something, but during an intimate moment, where two people should be connecting physically, then little actions mean quite a bit. A slight touch can give you goose pimples just as a pull of the hair or a slap can make your pussy tense up 🙂

See if you’re fucking….then fuck. Do you. That shit is primal anyway. No room for emotions. But if you’re with someone you feel is a potential boyfriend, then a telling sign is how and what he gives attention to in the bed. Was he all over you? Did he move fast or slow? Did he explore your body during strokes? Did he kiss you deeply during strokes? I mean I may not have the biggest dick on the planet but I have enough meat to Multi-task.
That’s the difference between a LOVER and a FUCKER:  a FUCKER does what he needs to get you wet so he can get to the pussy and if that’s what you need or want at the time, then FINE. But IF and WHEN you want to upgrade from fucking, then there’s a LOVER and being with a lover is like the foreplay never really ends and as an added bonus: LOVERS know how to fuck too, its just another gear.  Yet, teaching a FUCKER how to make LOVE? TOUGH. its a real mental challenge for them.. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most fuckers dont really care for the person they have sex with, they just want some pussy. So actually caring about the person you are is hard for them to express physically with deep kisses and touches that mean something. But that’s just an educated guess.. I’m a LOVER..so i wouldn’t know…but i do know some Fuckers though! They DO talk…quite disrespectfully about the women they were with I might add. if only you ladies knew…SMH

I came to learn all of this…just from the way Rashida kissed me. Since the first terrible kiss, I NEEDED to see that kissing could be beautiful and once I was shown that it could be, I figured why not everything else? Rashida was VERY influential to me.

I’ve told any woman who has ever asked me, that I enjoy foreplay better than sex. Foreplay is sexual with the added bonus of physical exploration. You can’t get that by fucking. You can get off….but you’re missing out on really getting to know the person you’re with. The right kiss can just set off so MUCH.

Women know the importance of a kiss, most men; just know its importance in getting to some pussy, its sad state of affairs but it’s not hopeless. Good kissing can be taught and patience can be taught as well. If you’re with someone who you think is worth it, then teach them…that’s what happened with me. I think that as long as we are social we meet people who are compatible with us in certain ways and we learn important things about ourselves by being with them.

Rashida taught me how to kiss and not much else….
But it made all the difference in the world once I took the ball and ran with it.

I wonder if she still kisses the same?

🙂

T.F.

Women…..women….women. Part 5 “Trois”

{Writers note:This is my fifth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

“Life is funny..
The tricks it plays…
Can’t help believing in the hands of fate..”
“Crazy love” -Cee-cee Penniston

One of my faves…..fitting for this post.

When you’re young, lots of times you just don’t give a shit…until its time to give a shit 🙂

In the military, having sex with married women is normal…. Because horny wives are everywhere. I can’t even say you could blame either person involved because they both have valid reasons for their actions: she is a neglected military wife looking for excitement. He is a man in uniform looking for a good time.
It’s just a match made to start a fire.

The thing is though; you usually don’t take it personal. Because you know she isn’t gonna leave her husband (remember this line, you’ll see it again) and secondly, you’re young, you didn’t want to settle down anyway. In the end, you both knew the rules so there can be a little “hard feelings” but not too much. Now I would like to stress that for the record I never pushed myself on a married woman. I have a freaky honor system about that. And ANYONE who is military knows what I’m about to say is true: dependent wives will go after the guy they want.

So to reiterate, I’m no stranger to love triangles.

Many years after my military career, I ran into another married woman. However, unlike past married ladies, she was interested in me but didn’t push up on me and I certainly didn’t push up on her. She told me about her marriage and it was typical: she married too young and even though her husband does what he is supposed to do as a provider, he basically ignored her. He didn’t show any attraction to her unless his dick was hard and even then, it was very one-sided: he needed her pussy to get off. It wasn’t about mutual pleasure.
I suppose you’re just a “Hole” at that point eh?
For many years, she accepted this. THIS she thought, was what marriage was. You take care of your kids, laundry, cook food, go to work and get fucked by your husband on occasion. She had passion before her marriage but those men didn’t work out and she was tired of being hurt. Her future husband was a nice guy…and she felt that he was a good person to settle down with…And for the most part even I can say he was.

After getting to know her, as a friend I gave her some ideas, not advice…just some ideas of how she could maybe spice up her marriage. The problem was, her husband had no desire to do those things because like many married men, they figure: Why should I? I already got you.

You never think your wife is going anywhere else…and thus foolishly you take her for granted. It is offensive in a very real way to someone who you profess to love because their feelings should be job 1 for you and vice versa. But again, her husband was typical of many unhappy married women.

Meanwhile, things between me and this girl heated up and eventually we wound up fucking. She was good outside the bedroom and inside. It was a win-win for me because I wasn’t too emotionally invested in it. I cared about her of course, and we would hang and talk, but we would fuck on many occasions.

(NOTICE HOW INTIMACY DOES NOT EQUAL PASSION)

Looking back on it now, I think it was the friendship that made me fall for her. Because someone you can vibe with is not easy to find, ALTERNATELY, and this is KEY: you can be who you are when you’re friends. See when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you gotta be politically correct in regards to the other persons feelings, but FRIENDS can be jerks sometimes and you guys don’t have to go home being totally mad at each other, or lay in bed angry 🙂 friend ship is just so free like that. That’s what we had, we would fuck, but we could talk and even argue as friends. Yeah I got the cold shoulder at times because I pissed her off, but we always made up because you accept the other person as they are. Whereas in a relationship, you’re sorta stuck WISHING the other person would change whatever it is you can’t stand. Again, being friends was just so free for both of us.

Time went on, and though I had sex with a couple of other women( remember I’m single) she was my steady for YEARS.

And those years begin to make you feel a certain way. You feel comfortable with this person in your life. You let them be around your kid a little, you get upset when something upsets them, you miss them when they are gone and you begin to get upset because they fuck their husband.
Yep, you’re in love 🙂
Some see it as a fuck up, but its not. It’s natural considering the circumstances. When you think about how much time has been invested into this special relationship, it can only turn into something that you care about. And time was definitely invested. There were many nights I felt ridiculously stupid and foolish for loving her, knowing she was married. But I felt that she loved me as well, so it hurt, but the pain would leave when I saw her.
Sometimes I would get distant with her, because I knew she still fucked her husband on occasion….but I always forgave it. You love someone you just can’t stay mad at them. Her telling me that she hates when she does it with him didn’t matter. I mean, that’s your husband, how you gonna not fuck him?
Besides, I knew what it was from jump…
But I had no clue about what it would be later…the whole “love” thing.

It took many years but what we had tapered off. It tapered off because I got past my feelings. I was simply READY.  For all her professed love for me, (Which can i say was genuine) I knew she would never leave her husband and I wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted her to.
Because the truth is, passion goes both ways. We had passion but we ARGUED with the same passion. However we both knew that if we were in a relationship we would not be able to stay mad at one another and that would have meant a LOT. However, that was secondary to the main truth:the ONLY reason I was mad was because I wasn’t the only one. Its not that I wanted to marry her, I just didn’t want someone else to touch her. Yes I would have been loyal to her, I actually was, because the only time I did have another chick was to get over her. Yeah I enjoyed it, but that’s not who I wanted. In my heart I always wanted her. BUT I woulda never married her MAINLY because I knew we would argue a ton AND I’m not big on marriage anyway. So in keeping it real with myself, I found that I was being sorta….how should I put it….untruthful to who I was in a very silly way…because I DID like the situation MOST times. She wasn’t in my face all the time, I had my space, I was officially single and could talk to who I wanted to, and I did, but I didn’t fuck anyone cuz I didn’t want to. I was thinking that she had the best of both worlds but really I did. She was trapped in a marriage and I wasn’t. I could do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to, but she couldn’t, she needed permission from an overbearing husband, no MATTER my feelings, I was free to do me, leave or stay, fuck someone or not…and I KNEW THIS…there were just TIMES that I didn’t want her to fuck her husband 🙂 SILLY? Hell yes, but that was my emotion. REAL TALK? If she actually never had sex with him, she coulda stayed married to him and everything. Because I can be a moody person and I dig my space lots of times. My feelings were making me forget to be real in regards to just what type of MAN I was 🙂 To be even MORE real the fact remains that i NEVER asked her to leave her husband. YEARS later, Even  SHE said that if i had ASKED her to make that jump she may have considered it, but yall can see why i wasnt gonna do that. the situation pained me at times but for the wrong, almost selfish reasons.

The shit is laughable once it comes to you. And I didn’t start thinking about it until I noticed that she got SOOOOOOO jealous and accusing me of things…that’s when I started really putting things together. That’s when I saw how free I am and how TOUGH this situation was for her. Because whether I was just a side piece or LOVER, the TIME was invested in me. She CARED about me and didn’t want to lose me. So whether i was just a good fuck or boyfriend, I was important to her.

But far be it from me to tell a woman to leave her husband. Let life or god break that up, I’m NOT going to be the one to tell a woman to do that shit. Add THAT to the truth of my feelings …..And she is still married to her husband to this day.

Just as I figured she would be, just as perhaps she OUGHT to be.

She and I are still good friends and that will  never change. We went through a LOT, more than what I’ve written on this little blog, but those things either make a friendship stronger or break it.
But what’s  also REAL is that we had our time and we did what we could with it in regards to our circumstances.  And that’s it. We had years that can never be erased. i would NEVER trade my time, because i learned so much about…myself and how i deal with my feelings.

There were a lot of quiet times when she left my place to go back to her family…it made me think about how a man can get fucked and left just like a woman.   Make no mistake, being the third party is a unique situation. There are things that you know that the husband or wife will never know. Its like you’re a psychologist and sex partner, but in getting to know this person, you begin to see just who they are and its either not good or not so bad.

A love triangle is as old as relationships are..
So there is anything new I could write in regards to the dynamics of it that isn’t written somewhere else. I can however write about what I walked away with..

If you feel like you’re just a side piece..
Or
If you feel like the other person is full of shit..
Or
Or if you feel like the other person IS a good person, LOVES you and its just not your time…
Then my advice is simple: you stay until your brain or heart truly is done. You will know when that time is, believe me. The truth of the matter is all of those emotions are STEPS to the end result.

There were times where I said: FUCK THIS, ITS OVER.
And we would make up. Because life just didn’t seem right without her. i WASN’T ready.
THAT is what you have to come to understand, you will always care about them, always have an attraction to them…and even wonder what could have been. All of those things are truth and feelings, so don’t dismiss them. But what’s also the truth is that you get what you feel you deserve in life. If you feel you deserve your own man then go toward that goal, but if you feel like you just want to have fun…then do that too. But WHATEVER you feel, respect it. Even if its confusion on wanting to be with the other person intimately or not…feel that confusion, digest it and you may end up in the bed with them or you may not, but I warn you: Bury your feelings at your own risk. REAL TALK. Respect your feelings.

REGARDLESS of how you feel today and tomorrow, one day you WILL feel different. You just have to make sure you don’t fight it when you do.  You’re going to be surer than the other times when you thought you were. A good rule of thumb is that if you can go through the day without thinking about them, if your body no longer screams for their touch….its time:) that’s how it was for me.

And it can, and usually DOES,  take YEARS. If its something special, and not just two people fucking, then i suppose that’s how long it should take. Feelings become deeper over time. Care is Care and love is love.

Its gonna hurt….but NOT as bad as it would when you aren’t ready.Because you went through the steps. You didn’t cut off your feelings like you did before, you grew into your feelings. Until you’re ready, you HAVE to take your feelings one day at a time. You literally have to accept the fact that “I love this person and I love being with this person, but i know what this is wont last forever. But today isnt that day”  That is how i came to think, And it was a tough process to get THERE, But that helped me a lot…because i realized that everything was up to ME, When before i felt like i had no control, Because we were doing so much. I sorta tamed the love/emotional whirlwind and learned to RIDE it and knew when it was time to get off.  And as god is my witness that is an ability that has helped me a LOT in my day to day life 🙂
But i stress, you HAVE to be ready. Simple “out of site, out of mind” wont work because you WILL find them  🙂 LOL!!! The cool thing is if you guys really have something, then the other person is going through the same thing you’re going through.  When you guys don’t speak, its pain for both.

Alternately, If you’re just WHIPPED on some asshole person, they just take advantage of your weakness for them. Which will find you getting fucked and left by that dude  and feeling pretty dumb.  Ive seen that scenario more often than i have seen what i had. Many women just fall for such assholes and its USUALLY because of the sex they put down. It really goes to show how women need to be EXTRA selective of who they allow inside of them. Because when women get done RIGHT… y’all go ALL IN. and that’s BAD when its just some selfish dude. because he will use you UP and pull you back in the minute you start rebuilding yourself. VICIOUS CYCLE.

So understand, that if the feelings are really mutual,you both will be going through the same withdrawal from each other. it will be something a LOT deeper than a text saying “please come back, I miss you” NAH…you gonna get speeches on voice mail and long emails. See that shit takes TIME to do. “Please come back, i miss you and love you” means he just wants to make your heart melt to fuck you. Which is something MANY women fall for simply because you’re so sad and those little bit of words make you feel good. SET THE BAR HIGHER FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.
THIS IS MALE EDUCATION CHICKS.  YOU BETTER TAKE NOTES.

For good or ILL, when it comes to your heart, its just a GODLY thing. Higher powers have brought you two together for whatever reason and for however long, you have to experience it, your heart will not allow you to run away from it, until its time to leave.

I will say this though: the two of you will always have something. Always 🙂 and MAYBE…AND I DO MEAN MAYBE… if you guys are trapped on an island alone  things could happen. It makes you smile when before it made you mad that they weren’t yours to begin with. And you may or may not find this…almost spiritual… connection again, but at least you had it to know of it.

What else can I say? RESPECT the process…and your feelings..The heart wants what it wants and that Love has a way of making a wonderful moment or screwing up that same moment with thoughts of jealousy  🙂

“And as i beheld you, i saw you locked in a cage..A cage designed by your own fears…
You had known many “lovers” but it was I alone who LOVED you… and my love is deeper  than any ocean… and more Pure than any Lilly white fairy tale”

T.F.