Women…..women….women. Part 5 “Trois”

{Writers note:This is my fifth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

“Life is funny..
The tricks it plays…
Can’t help believing in the hands of fate..”
“Crazy love” -Cee-cee Penniston

One of my faves…..fitting for this post.

When you’re young, lots of times you just don’t give a shit…until its time to give a shit 🙂

In the military, having sex with married women is normal…. Because horny wives are everywhere. I can’t even say you could blame either person involved because they both have valid reasons for their actions: she is a neglected military wife looking for excitement. He is a man in uniform looking for a good time.
It’s just a match made to start a fire.

The thing is though; you usually don’t take it personal. Because you know she isn’t gonna leave her husband (remember this line, you’ll see it again) and secondly, you’re young, you didn’t want to settle down anyway. In the end, you both knew the rules so there can be a little “hard feelings” but not too much. Now I would like to stress that for the record I never pushed myself on a married woman. I have a freaky honor system about that. And ANYONE who is military knows what I’m about to say is true: dependent wives will go after the guy they want.

So to reiterate, I’m no stranger to love triangles.

Many years after my military career, I ran into another married woman. However, unlike past married ladies, she was interested in me but didn’t push up on me and I certainly didn’t push up on her. She told me about her marriage and it was typical: she married too young and even though her husband does what he is supposed to do as a provider, he basically ignored her. He didn’t show any attraction to her unless his dick was hard and even then, it was very one-sided: he needed her pussy to get off. It wasn’t about mutual pleasure.
I suppose you’re just a “Hole” at that point eh?
For many years, she accepted this. THIS she thought, was what marriage was. You take care of your kids, laundry, cook food, go to work and get fucked by your husband on occasion. She had passion before her marriage but those men didn’t work out and she was tired of being hurt. Her future husband was a nice guy…and she felt that he was a good person to settle down with…And for the most part even I can say he was.

After getting to know her, as a friend I gave her some ideas, not advice…just some ideas of how she could maybe spice up her marriage. The problem was, her husband had no desire to do those things because like many married men, they figure: Why should I? I already got you.

You never think your wife is going anywhere else…and thus foolishly you take her for granted. It is offensive in a very real way to someone who you profess to love because their feelings should be job 1 for you and vice versa. But again, her husband was typical of many unhappy married women.

Meanwhile, things between me and this girl heated up and eventually we wound up fucking. She was good outside the bedroom and inside. It was a win-win for me because I wasn’t too emotionally invested in it. I cared about her of course, and we would hang and talk, but we would fuck on many occasions.

(NOTICE HOW INTIMACY DOES NOT EQUAL PASSION)

Looking back on it now, I think it was the friendship that made me fall for her. Because someone you can vibe with is not easy to find, ALTERNATELY, and this is KEY: you can be who you are when you’re friends. See when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you gotta be politically correct in regards to the other persons feelings, but FRIENDS can be jerks sometimes and you guys don’t have to go home being totally mad at each other, or lay in bed angry 🙂 friend ship is just so free like that. That’s what we had, we would fuck, but we could talk and even argue as friends. Yeah I got the cold shoulder at times because I pissed her off, but we always made up because you accept the other person as they are. Whereas in a relationship, you’re sorta stuck WISHING the other person would change whatever it is you can’t stand. Again, being friends was just so free for both of us.

Time went on, and though I had sex with a couple of other women( remember I’m single) she was my steady for YEARS.

And those years begin to make you feel a certain way. You feel comfortable with this person in your life. You let them be around your kid a little, you get upset when something upsets them, you miss them when they are gone and you begin to get upset because they fuck their husband.
Yep, you’re in love 🙂
Some see it as a fuck up, but its not. It’s natural considering the circumstances. When you think about how much time has been invested into this special relationship, it can only turn into something that you care about. And time was definitely invested. There were many nights I felt ridiculously stupid and foolish for loving her, knowing she was married. But I felt that she loved me as well, so it hurt, but the pain would leave when I saw her.
Sometimes I would get distant with her, because I knew she still fucked her husband on occasion….but I always forgave it. You love someone you just can’t stay mad at them. Her telling me that she hates when she does it with him didn’t matter. I mean, that’s your husband, how you gonna not fuck him?
Besides, I knew what it was from jump…
But I had no clue about what it would be later…the whole “love” thing.

It took many years but what we had tapered off. It tapered off because I got past my feelings. I was simply READY.  For all her professed love for me, (Which can i say was genuine) I knew she would never leave her husband and I wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted her to.
Because the truth is, passion goes both ways. We had passion but we ARGUED with the same passion. However we both knew that if we were in a relationship we would not be able to stay mad at one another and that would have meant a LOT. However, that was secondary to the main truth:the ONLY reason I was mad was because I wasn’t the only one. Its not that I wanted to marry her, I just didn’t want someone else to touch her. Yes I would have been loyal to her, I actually was, because the only time I did have another chick was to get over her. Yeah I enjoyed it, but that’s not who I wanted. In my heart I always wanted her. BUT I woulda never married her MAINLY because I knew we would argue a ton AND I’m not big on marriage anyway. So in keeping it real with myself, I found that I was being sorta….how should I put it….untruthful to who I was in a very silly way…because I DID like the situation MOST times. She wasn’t in my face all the time, I had my space, I was officially single and could talk to who I wanted to, and I did, but I didn’t fuck anyone cuz I didn’t want to. I was thinking that she had the best of both worlds but really I did. She was trapped in a marriage and I wasn’t. I could do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to, but she couldn’t, she needed permission from an overbearing husband, no MATTER my feelings, I was free to do me, leave or stay, fuck someone or not…and I KNEW THIS…there were just TIMES that I didn’t want her to fuck her husband 🙂 SILLY? Hell yes, but that was my emotion. REAL TALK? If she actually never had sex with him, she coulda stayed married to him and everything. Because I can be a moody person and I dig my space lots of times. My feelings were making me forget to be real in regards to just what type of MAN I was 🙂 To be even MORE real the fact remains that i NEVER asked her to leave her husband. YEARS later, Even  SHE said that if i had ASKED her to make that jump she may have considered it, but yall can see why i wasnt gonna do that. the situation pained me at times but for the wrong, almost selfish reasons.

The shit is laughable once it comes to you. And I didn’t start thinking about it until I noticed that she got SOOOOOOO jealous and accusing me of things…that’s when I started really putting things together. That’s when I saw how free I am and how TOUGH this situation was for her. Because whether I was just a side piece or LOVER, the TIME was invested in me. She CARED about me and didn’t want to lose me. So whether i was just a good fuck or boyfriend, I was important to her.

But far be it from me to tell a woman to leave her husband. Let life or god break that up, I’m NOT going to be the one to tell a woman to do that shit. Add THAT to the truth of my feelings …..And she is still married to her husband to this day.

Just as I figured she would be, just as perhaps she OUGHT to be.

She and I are still good friends and that will  never change. We went through a LOT, more than what I’ve written on this little blog, but those things either make a friendship stronger or break it.
But what’s  also REAL is that we had our time and we did what we could with it in regards to our circumstances.  And that’s it. We had years that can never be erased. i would NEVER trade my time, because i learned so much about…myself and how i deal with my feelings.

There were a lot of quiet times when she left my place to go back to her family…it made me think about how a man can get fucked and left just like a woman.   Make no mistake, being the third party is a unique situation. There are things that you know that the husband or wife will never know. Its like you’re a psychologist and sex partner, but in getting to know this person, you begin to see just who they are and its either not good or not so bad.

A love triangle is as old as relationships are..
So there is anything new I could write in regards to the dynamics of it that isn’t written somewhere else. I can however write about what I walked away with..

If you feel like you’re just a side piece..
Or
If you feel like the other person is full of shit..
Or
Or if you feel like the other person IS a good person, LOVES you and its just not your time…
Then my advice is simple: you stay until your brain or heart truly is done. You will know when that time is, believe me. The truth of the matter is all of those emotions are STEPS to the end result.

There were times where I said: FUCK THIS, ITS OVER.
And we would make up. Because life just didn’t seem right without her. i WASN’T ready.
THAT is what you have to come to understand, you will always care about them, always have an attraction to them…and even wonder what could have been. All of those things are truth and feelings, so don’t dismiss them. But what’s also the truth is that you get what you feel you deserve in life. If you feel you deserve your own man then go toward that goal, but if you feel like you just want to have fun…then do that too. But WHATEVER you feel, respect it. Even if its confusion on wanting to be with the other person intimately or not…feel that confusion, digest it and you may end up in the bed with them or you may not, but I warn you: Bury your feelings at your own risk. REAL TALK. Respect your feelings.

REGARDLESS of how you feel today and tomorrow, one day you WILL feel different. You just have to make sure you don’t fight it when you do.  You’re going to be surer than the other times when you thought you were. A good rule of thumb is that if you can go through the day without thinking about them, if your body no longer screams for their touch….its time:) that’s how it was for me.

And it can, and usually DOES,  take YEARS. If its something special, and not just two people fucking, then i suppose that’s how long it should take. Feelings become deeper over time. Care is Care and love is love.

Its gonna hurt….but NOT as bad as it would when you aren’t ready.Because you went through the steps. You didn’t cut off your feelings like you did before, you grew into your feelings. Until you’re ready, you HAVE to take your feelings one day at a time. You literally have to accept the fact that “I love this person and I love being with this person, but i know what this is wont last forever. But today isnt that day”  That is how i came to think, And it was a tough process to get THERE, But that helped me a lot…because i realized that everything was up to ME, When before i felt like i had no control, Because we were doing so much. I sorta tamed the love/emotional whirlwind and learned to RIDE it and knew when it was time to get off.  And as god is my witness that is an ability that has helped me a LOT in my day to day life 🙂
But i stress, you HAVE to be ready. Simple “out of site, out of mind” wont work because you WILL find them  🙂 LOL!!! The cool thing is if you guys really have something, then the other person is going through the same thing you’re going through.  When you guys don’t speak, its pain for both.

Alternately, If you’re just WHIPPED on some asshole person, they just take advantage of your weakness for them. Which will find you getting fucked and left by that dude  and feeling pretty dumb.  Ive seen that scenario more often than i have seen what i had. Many women just fall for such assholes and its USUALLY because of the sex they put down. It really goes to show how women need to be EXTRA selective of who they allow inside of them. Because when women get done RIGHT… y’all go ALL IN. and that’s BAD when its just some selfish dude. because he will use you UP and pull you back in the minute you start rebuilding yourself. VICIOUS CYCLE.

So understand, that if the feelings are really mutual,you both will be going through the same withdrawal from each other. it will be something a LOT deeper than a text saying “please come back, I miss you” NAH…you gonna get speeches on voice mail and long emails. See that shit takes TIME to do. “Please come back, i miss you and love you” means he just wants to make your heart melt to fuck you. Which is something MANY women fall for simply because you’re so sad and those little bit of words make you feel good. SET THE BAR HIGHER FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.
THIS IS MALE EDUCATION CHICKS.  YOU BETTER TAKE NOTES.

For good or ILL, when it comes to your heart, its just a GODLY thing. Higher powers have brought you two together for whatever reason and for however long, you have to experience it, your heart will not allow you to run away from it, until its time to leave.

I will say this though: the two of you will always have something. Always 🙂 and MAYBE…AND I DO MEAN MAYBE… if you guys are trapped on an island alone  things could happen. It makes you smile when before it made you mad that they weren’t yours to begin with. And you may or may not find this…almost spiritual… connection again, but at least you had it to know of it.

What else can I say? RESPECT the process…and your feelings..The heart wants what it wants and that Love has a way of making a wonderful moment or screwing up that same moment with thoughts of jealousy  🙂

“And as i beheld you, i saw you locked in a cage..A cage designed by your own fears…
You had known many “lovers” but it was I alone who LOVED you… and my love is deeper  than any ocean… and more Pure than any Lilly white fairy tale”

T.F.

2 responses to “Women…..women….women. Part 5 “Trois”

  1. This touches on so many of the feelings and emotions and experiences I had during the last two years of my marriage and the four years since my divorce. I understand a lot of this now through trial and error but was definitely lost then. Where were you six years ago when I needed to read this? Lol. Love it as always. 🙂

    • sorry shay 😦 for the late replies (im really not used to getting replies on my stuff, i just see that i get a lot of hits each time i post a new blog. lurkers 🙂

      as far as if i was there before…its been my experience that when people are in love, they dont see the shit other people see. so ive learned to not tell someone about their significant other, just leads to problems. theres just too much shit you dont want to see if youre in love.my distrustful nature allows me to step outside the box of every relationship ive ever been in, it doesnt guarantee full clarity, but i see more shit at the beginning of a new relationship that most would. i wont lie, this post was a personal fave…GOOD memories and lessons. takes a woman to teach a man about women..i tells yah!!

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