Daily Archives: September 13, 2012

Women…Part 8…..A Fuckin’ break up…. just to make up…seriously????

(I’m free styling today. What moves me gets written. But I will try to focus on pain and loss and the possible rewards of both. I’m feelin a sorta way today…so lets ride with it)
When I think of break ups the chorus to “Forever Blue” by Swing Out Sister….comes to mind…

“Nights don’t come any longer…
Days seem to last forever…
Nothing you can do, can bring them back to you..
Forever blue..” its a LOVELY song, YouTube it if you’re feeling adventurous 🙂

.but that part……”Nothing you can do”…..well that part is debatable, because if you guys broke up on decent terms, like a mutual agreement, then it’s possible that there is still something between the two of you. Mutual break ups are something I know quite well. The reason? Well lets just say that I’m always the right man at the wrong TIME, and usually its MY watch that’s fucked up 😦

Truthfully, breakups say a lot about the kind of person you are, just like any other social exchange.

I’ve only had one “bad” breakup….ever. Dead serious. That would be my daughter’s mom. And that was more so due to the fact that my daughter’s mom is really argumentative and rather Bi-polar. But every significant relationship I’ve had after her has been on somewhat mutual terms. Sure there were tears and heartache, but it seems that it had to be done for one reason or another (side note, I grew tired of that “had to be done” shit. Just blame ME, everyone else does). Again, usually, it has something to do with me, they want more than what I can give them at the time. Regardless, for me it’s like a divorce and we split what’s ours…you get the tears and I get the heartache…

Hard to believe that within this tough exterior lies actual feelings, but truthfully, I’m a passionate person. I FEEL things and I make sure other people feel those things as well in a relationship. I’ve explained the kind of person I WAS to anyone who asks: I was a “love conquers all” kind of guy. “Me and you against the world”….I was a soldier for love.
THAT person was severely beaten by my daughter’s mother.

There’s a scene in the movie “The break up” where Jennifer Anniston is telling Vince Vaughn that she was trying to love him, but she had NOTHING left.

Real talk: that shit fucked me right up. Because it made me recall the pain I felt before I ended things with my daughter’s mom. It is a TERRIBLE feeling when you feel as though YOU are dying inside, and my love for my daughter’s mom was so deep that I was willing to sacrifice that person, just to keep us together.

Now think about that shit. Because I had to in order to see how crazy that sort of thinking was. The truth was that once that person died; there would be no love left.  And what kind of life would that be?
So yeah, I ended it and I walked away a different person because of it. The person I used to be was almost dead, and so I tucked him away and allowed my survival instincts, the fighter in me, to take over. And ever since then, THAT is the person everybody knows ME to be. It’s been over 14 years at least.

But those who get IN, those who can spark those feelings and make me feel just a little bit of who I used to be…..I give ‘em the world…or I TRY.

And usually, it just ain’t good enough. Truth.
I mean if it was, I would probably have 4 or 5 wives 🙂
(Wait…..whew!…damn…) The fact remains that every single woman I’ve ever loved wanted more OF me…even my wife. And I don’t know if I should be flattered or just angry about it. Because what I DO give, I feel is a lot. I suppose that it’s so nice/good they want more? Aint talking sex…just me. (“Machismo” huggie! Lol! Private joke)

Since I feel so DEEPLY, I’m haunted by my past a lot of times. When I break up with someone, it’s like my past, present and future is THAT person….mentally. For months they are all I think about, then as the year comes, it gets a little bit easier for me to deal with, and as YEARS go by…they become POIGNANT memories that make me take a seat sometimes 😦

Those who touch the man I was, NEVER truly leave. I just don’t know HOW to let those people go. And I don’t think I ever want to learn. What gets lost is that this is a person who you LOVED. And then they just walk AWAY…from YOU. Sure you know why, but it doesn’t make anything better. You spend so much time still worrying about them and wondering what they are doing at any given moment. Lots of times you want to call, but you can’t because you want to give them space and time to think…you’re hoping they want to call you or actually do call. You’re eventually wondering who they’re with….. I mean it is SO fucking sad, seriously.  The difference between me and most is that I don’t think it’s pathetic and even when I do, it doesn’t stop me. I think what does is when I know that they have moved on with someone else. THAT usually works wonders for me.

EVERY significant ex I’ve thought about HARD, were thought about less once I knew they had someone else.

Why?  Because now I know that someone else is taking care of them. Simple. I suppose I have a daddy complex? I dunno, but I love and care that much. With me, there’s no anger when my ex’s move on, there is a sadness, yes, because someone else is doing all the things I used to do, but no real anger because that’s life, we go on, we must. There’s not even anger in cases where the new man is thrown in my face. My kid’s mom did that once, but I’m naturally NOT a hater.  Plus, HE left her ass too!

The fact remains though that time apart (from me aparently)  is needed. Sometimes it’s needed for a couple weeks in order to know how you truly feel WITHOUT this person in your life and then other times you KNOW you don’t want this person in your life anymore. Space gives you a chance to not only regroup, but to think if that person was worth your time, and will you allow them back into your life in ANY capacity.
I happen to always reconnect with my significant ex’s.  Always. There were a couple of times it was physical (which is VERY natural) but for the most part, we are friends. We can do lunch dates, etc. I actually LIKE that about my ex’s, they don’t hate me. (Well, not to my face )

What I DON’T like is when I hear that the man in their life doesn’t treat them with the love and respect that I gave them. I don’t like that at all, and it seems to happen more often than not. The reason why I THINK this happens is that the women I wind of having significant relationships with are all rather emotional and complex people.
PROBABLY because I’m complex and though I’m not emotional, I am rather moody.

See if I was emotional, then it wouldn’t work because I would be tripping out WITH them. Instead I’m usually the “calm yo ass down” person. I think what people don’t think about when they walk away from someone is that it is NOT EASY to find someone who understands you and LET’S you be the kind of person you are with all your good and bad qualities. I KNOW it’s not easy because I haven’t had a lot of relationships. A woman has to actually LIKE me to be around me for any significant amount of time 🙂 so as a woman who likes me, you yourself have to have things in common with me. Hence you’re probably complex, moody, of reasonable intellect, rather emotional, have a bit of a temper, have a dirty sense of humor, lazy, but do what you gotta do to hold down a job, like sex WITH the RIGHT person and not just anybody…these were the women I dated. …I was them and they were me. I got inside of them and they got inside of ME…I loved them and I allowed them to touch me in ways no one else can.

And that’s a rule for ANY deep relationship. It’s NOT something you just find all over again. I KNOW. I’ve watched  and I’ve experienced. Special times are special for a fucking REASON. Walk away if you’re so inclined, just understand what you’re walking away from. Think before you leap. because i’ve seen many women go back to the guy who treated them better than most, only to find out that he has moved on. (i know a few really nice guys, y’all know how THEY are usually treated by the ladies) In life you take the good with the bad, by all means, if the kitchen is too damn hot, then get the hell out the kitchen, but if it really isnt something too bad and youre being treated well and more importantly loved and cared for, then roll with it. Nothings perfect because YOU aren’t perfect.

In my younger days I tried to not feel anything during a breakup, but now that I’m way older, I’ve since seen and felt how stupid that is. You should think about it, you should reminisce. Even if it was shitty, go for it, IF you want to. But don’t force yourself to remember stuff if you don’t wanna. The women I break up with simply go through the “not calling” stage. I mean I just don’t hear shit from them anymore. Usually when I do, it’s about a month or two later, but sometimes its years. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to call them, but I know people have to sort things out for themselves in order to grow. What I kind of HATE is when an ex of mines DELUDES themselves by believing some dumb shit that didn’t even happen(daughter’s mom). I mean if you know why we broke up then THAT’S why we broke up. Don’t take it any further than that by thinking it was all these OTHER crazy ass reasons. Sometimes space isn’t good when you start thinking dumb shit on your own. But as much as I hate it, I gotta let them come back in my direction when they truly want to or when life wants them to. It hurts the hell out of me….it really does…because my heart is literally calling out to someone I care for. But then I start to settle in and I tell myself some real truth: if a person WANTS to call you, then they will call you. And if they ever truly loved you, then they can never stay away forever, because they care just like you do.

So…..I listen to a lot of music and my imagination always goes to the past. During a breakup, the fantasies are about “what if’s” as opposed to what actually happened. These fantasies bring a smile to my heart. In reality, without music, I would keep myself busy doing chores, but it sucks because no matter what I would do, I would be doing it with the other person…going out to eat and even the movies are like going out with the other person, sweeping the floor just gathers up some of the strands of their fallen hair (women and their weaves and wigs man. Go NATURAL!!! 🙂
Going to sleep? I get there eventually, but first I gotta lay in the bed and think about my ex. Gotta get a little sad, I’m not trying to do any of this stuff, its just right there on my head and heart to do. I just don’t run from that kind of pain.

“Love can be pain, but to deny yourself the pleasure of that pain, is to love unselfishly”…

That’s me in a nutshell. THAT is the person locked inside. If WE love each other, then I accept that one day you could hurt me the most, but if I embraced that fear, then I would not love with all of ME. And that is not the kind of love I have to give. My love is passionate, it’s a MAN’S love he should have for a woman. Its intense, it’s always there and its TRUE. My love is never false and every woman I’ve ever loved and said I loved KNOWS that about me.

I would like to believe that is the reason they still care…maybe even love, me. I don’t know if they do, but I see that they are still around me and care to speak to me, especially when they are down. Someone told me that I’m in a class by myself, and they meant that as a compliment, if so, then so are the women I’ve loved. They were ALL special to me and they ARE special WITHOUT me.  I think they have found out the hard way that being who they are makes finding that significant person more difficult IF they LOOK for that person. We are all human, we have feelings, we get lonely and we tend to want what we WANT instead of what we NEED. God/life gives us what we NEED in its own time, but we WANT what we WANT on our IMPATIENT concept of time.  I would like to say to the women I love still that maybe they should remember how we came into each others lives…

We weren’t looking for anything..
We weren’t sad about anything..
We weren’t too happy either 🙂 ..
But we were in good spaces..
And life or god, allowed us to find one another and it was good until space was needed.

I suppose the important thing is to find that space of contentment with self again. It’s not about needing someone to complete you, it’s about completing yourself, because if you need someone else to complete you then you are FOREVER dependent upon someone else. And if they leave then you are LOST. I may get FULLY attached to the women I love, boy do I get attached…but when we part ways, I am NOT lost.

I am still the person I was.

The difference is that my mind adds a new muse

A new inspiration for my sadness….

The truth is that I am a man who is not happy. I have had times when I was, but those times come and go like the wind. My unhappiness stems from a lonely childhood, and there have been many times that life has shown me things that have hit me like a bolt of lightning, shaking me to my core… Every word for every story, paragraph, book, script or blog I have written stems from sadness. I AM an inspirational and helpful writer because I have suffered mentally and I am still in pain due to many things. However, god blessed me with a sense of humor and so I am a clown crying on the inside 🙂 However,  my greatest pain, I believe, is the loss of the man I was; The believer in love. Yes that man was foolish and crazy brave, but he was fearless because he had love by his side and in his heart.
I WAS the dashing hero I read in my romance novels. Ironically a woman damn near destroyed who I was, but who I am now, is not so bad.

I STILL love. And love is truly all that matters. Without it, we don’t feel. We become cold, INDIFFERENT. One woman would be just like the last. Without love, I wouldn’t respect women, wouldn’t respect anyone. Everyone would be nothing more than a body. Women would be reduced to warm holes to stick my dick into or mouthy bitches I need to slap the shit out of…

No one would mean shit to me.

I thank god, that I’m not that kind of person. But make no mistake; I WOULD have been, if I allowed someone to completely destroy who I was.

2,796 word count?? = ENOUGH writing.



p.s. i see people read my blogs, its much appreciated. if you have an opinion then SPEAK. That’s what the comments section is for, but dont walk away angry at ME, if something i typed brings up bad memories i aint have SHIT to do with 🙂