Women..women..women. Part 9 :The heart wants what it wants..that’s the only way OUT of it, if you’re IN it..

For some reason I’ve gotten more subscribers lately.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, but you people must love a guy who likes to use foul/filthy language and get a ton of stuff off of his chest every month, but if you like punishment or a little roughness, I’m down to dish it out…just don’t call the cops, remember, it was consensual 🙂

This month, I would like to speak on my marriage… maybe not all of it, but some background on it. I can save more for another blog entry. The reason I’m doing this is because my marriage is rather unusual, mostly because the people involved aren’t very normal. But I think there’s a lesson to be observed in damn near anything…

Now, my wife reads ALL my blog posts and is one of the subscribers…all of this stuff will be memory lane for her…..

I met my wife Nikki during the age of internet dating. Now let me tell YOU, internet dating for me was just a nonstop flow of women, I mean it was CRAZY. I mean I thought I had my fill of women in Japan, but the internet was on another level. I was dating a new woman once a week for two months at one time.

My wife wasn’t one of those women we were friends. We talked about everything  (something that has never changed) including other people in our lives. She was in the military and every once in a blue she would come up to New York. When we first met each other in the flesh, it was AWKWARD, because we just weren’t very attracted to each other, but we were both rather adventurous, so we went to a hotel and the sex was terrible for both of us 🙂  …but it didnt kill our friendship….(We still joke about that shit to this day)

As the years went by, I continued to care about her as a good friend, but it was nothing more than that. But I did notice that on the rare occasions that she would come to NYC, I was ALWAYS glad to see her. Sure we would have sex, but we never HAD to have sex, I was just glad to see a good friend. But things began to change on her end, I noticed it one time when she was on her way back home and I waited with her for the bus and she looked like she lost her puppy. It was crazy.

(I still remember that face, makes me sad to even think about it)

So I asked her if she was alright, she said yeah..

I didn’t see her for a while after that, not sure if I even heard from her for a while either. I missed her, but truth to tell, I was rather used to women coming in and out of my life.

It’s the way I wanted it.

I was a single father and going through a TON of ignorant shit with my daughters mom. So dating women was a wonderful vacation from the bullshit. However, I was totally focused on my daughter and didn’t care for a relationship. I mean even if I didn’t have a kid, I woulda’ had one from adoption or somewhere, I liked being single but I ALWAYS wanted to have a kid. I was very focused in that regard…and ironically my mother was the same way, just a solo chick who wanted her baby….ME 🙂

Anyway, me and Nik eventually met up again and it was GOOD to see her. She told me that she had been to Brooklyn some months before we met up to meet this guy from the internet. They had spoken for a while and they met up to see how things would go.  He was a lawyer I think, she met his children and they were all well behaved children. Nik and this guy wound up having sex which involved a huge penis and a wild time 🙂 He was enamored with her which she found kinda nuts because they really hadn’t known each other long. He was even talking about getting her pregnant which sorta threw her for a loop. As I recall, she said this dude was too fucking perfect and she didn’t like it, I believe he still stands as the best sex she has ever had but somehow, on the way to his house and even after everything that happened, all she could think about was ME…

(SCORE BOARD)

Big Dick squad: 0

ME: lost count

Alright..just playing…wasn’t my dick action, remember he WAS and still is the best sex she ever had. However, she just didn’t feel for him. She told me this while sitting on my lap, and she was letting it ALL hang out, crying and everything. I was just expecting our usual good bye because I think it was her last day of being in NYC for a while…but that day I got the full disclosure of her feelings. That day, she wanted to be with me and only me.

And I honestly wasn’t ready for all of that.

No way in hell.

But I’ve always hated to see Nik sad about anything. She is just such a warm and bubbly person, and it helped me during my own problems then as it does now because I’m the opposite. I’m usually annoyed or in deep thought and don’t want to be bothered.

Trust me, I’m a loner and I KNOW it. Its not like I didn’t tell every woman the deal with me..But that day, I felt pity and not love. I felt bad for my friend and I agreed to be her boyfriend. Was that right of me to do? At the time, NO, but cosmically, YES.  I mean I’m still living with her and she hasn’t killed me yet 🙂 But the reason why I called her my girl was wrong and me and Nik both know that after talking about it years later. She has even apologized about it because for all intents and purposes, I was put into a corner, and the care I had for her at the time made me want to fix her sadness in any way I could. It’s not unfair to express your love for someone…it never is…but I suppose we should keep in mind how the other person will take that sort of heavy expression. Some men spaz out…I think I spazzed, but I spazzed out and just said : Okay. Why not?

But there was MUCH self sacrifice…first on my part, then on hers as well…. read on..

In the beginning it worked, but I always had a sort of…resentment, but NOT TOWARD HER. Just myself. I have ALWAYS shown Nik love and taken care of her since day one. I’m not one to blame people for decisions I make. But I did promise myself that I wouldn’t be pushed into something further than this boyfriends and girlfriend thing. This was apparent when she asked me to marry her and I declined. I told her then that I felt cornered into a relationship and I wasn’t going to feel like that in a marriage. Fuck that.

We managed to move on from that and then years later, she got pregnant. Neither one of us even knew, we didnt think it was even possible because she is a high risk woman when it comes to having a baby.

The problem was, I didn’t want another child. For years I made sure not to have one because just as I dreamed I would have my daughter and she was good, I dreamed that my next child would be a boy and sadness…So I wasn’t as supportive as I was supposed to be, I was rather cold…again I felt that resentment of being forced…yeah I know we were having sex but we REALLY thought she couldn’t get pregnant. I just was scared about this kid also.

Dreams I remember are the ones that scare me…

But as the months went by, I said fuck it, I mean I can eventually rationalize anything and we got cool again because when you love someone, you forgive. Then one day I was working on my garage and she called to tell me that she was loosing her amnio-fluid and that we were going to lose the baby..

The hours before she bore our son were tough…she didn’t deserve this discomfort and pain…then when our son was born, they wrapped him in a blanket and set him aside, because he wasn’t supposed to live….but he did for about a minute or two. During that time, I had enough sense to pick him up and watch him in my hands as he breathed a couple of times and passed away. After praying over him…and smelling him (i wanted to have his scent in my head, and in my memory)…I set him down….he was gone and I went over to Nik…she was so hot…burning up….she had a staph infection….and she was crying the way a woman should cry when they lose a child..

My dreams man….I take them VERY seriously.

Sigh….a minute please…

A lot of crying and soul searchin’ after our sons death, from both of us. I was a changed person and so was she. In regards to how i felt,  told her EVERYTHING…from the beginning to the present. But I also told her that it had be so many years, I didn’t want to leave her, but I needed some space and I didn’t know how to get that space 😦  after hearing everything, she spoke about an open relationship and I said, maybe, but this ain’t about sex woman. This is about a loner who just wants some alone time until he doesn’t want it anymore. I had a TON of heavy shit on my mind….I still sorta do but I’m getting through it.

The open relationship suggestion was due to my explanation of my feelings of resentment, needing some time to myself and our sex life over the last couple of years. See, In the beginning it was frequent, because I chose to dive in and make the best out of this relationship, but eventually you gotta be real with yourself…and my reality was, I was with a person I loved as a friend and not a lover. Don’t get me wrong, when we had sex, it worked, but it started to hardly happen anymore…because I just didn’t feel that spark that you feel for someone you have sexual chemistry with. Our relationship was NOT built off of sex, it was a friendship. Bottom line.

She wasn’t stupid, I mean she noticed but she didn’t know the reason, the deep seated resentment I had…trying to force sparks to happen at times…but after our son passed, I let it all hang out. I told her, life is short , I know it now first hand after watching it pass away in front of me. Sometime in my younger days, I had someone shot while they were standing right next to me, but that wasn’t like what happened with my son, it was enough to make you give up on a LOT of shit you thought was so important…even life… and I no longer wanted to bullshit myself or Nik.

So I told her, let’s just LIVE. Fuck working at jobs we hate, fuck doing what we don’t want to do, let just live. If u want to go out then go out, travel even,  don’t worry about me so much, just let me know you’re safe and vice versa. If you want to go out with someone, then do so, and vice versa, if you gonna fuck someone, be safe as possible…but I don’t wanna know about it, we both agreed on that 🙂 so, even though its not a fully open relationship, its got enough freedom. And as ive gotten older, I’m leaning toward not caring whether she told me about someone else or not. I can see looking at her a bit different, but i wouldn’t love her any LESS. I just WOULD’NT.

The truth was and still is that Nik has loved me longer than I have loved her. As I stated earlier, It wasn’t love at first sight for either of us, but we were VERY good friends for one another. As time went on, I GREW to love her and also the love she showed my daughter. She is a good woman, better than me in the good heart department because I’m not a nice person. I’m good, but I don’t have that “pity chip” that she has in her system.

Once I say FUCK YOU, that’s usually it. I’m mean, I’m unfair sometimes, sometimes I’m inconsiderate, moody all the time, I’m best just left alone…but she loves me regardless, which makes her special to ME. My wife is a prime example of the heart wanting what it wants. When I speak on the dynamics of my marriage people sometimes turn up their noses… but they don’t understand. Me ad Nikk GREW to where we are now and we are both unusual people, so we aren’t going to do anything normal. I can even tell you why I allow her to have someone else, because I know I don’t treat her 100 percent the way she should be treated. She should be wined and dined and taken to plays and shows…I don’t do that stuff..I mean we have a date night on occasion but she should have that all the time. So if someone else wants to do that with her then I’m cool, and if she came to love this person then that’s a possibility…but I don’t think she would leave me for someone else and if she did, then I wouldn’t want her to stay with me feeling FORCED to do so…I know that all too well. Plus I am fully aware of my karma, I’ve fucked my share of married women, so there’s that 🙂  Whatever….they don’t hate me and that’s what’s important. But my love is self sacrificing. My care was what made me say OKAY to her in the first place,  and put my life aside, that same care was my loyalty, but the more we experienced I came to love the person she was. You can try to fight some things but some things are just meant to be. But by all means, try to resist…because when you fight and it still happens, it shows you that it was inevitable 🙂

With nikki its the same…she knows that sexually she has always had a tough time pleasing me, and she knows she isn’t good at certain things like oral sex. But not because I ever complained about it,cuz  i get off regardless 🙂 She is open to experimentation which is good though 😉 We have had some fun times sexually, even LAUGHING during it..if that’s not two friends who love each other i dont know what is 🙂 but the sexual electricity, was never usually there. and PLEASE, sex isnt everything anyway, its as i said to her, my feelings werent about sex, it was about space…time to be to myself, time to sort through some very deep feelings and yes, some freedom.

NIK also knows that relationships sometimes need certain things in order to last for a long time. And for us, we both need our space, to let go, to not be SO self sacrificing for the other person…. to  be a little selfish at times . Bottom line. And we always come back home. (She always comes home later than me though, I like my sleep and she likes a good party:)  also, if you knew anything about my wife’s upbringing then you would know that she had no choice but to see relationships and marriage different from most. She could and SHOULD write a damn book. It would be a best seller for real.

In the end, with two people like us, it works….and the reason I eventually married her was because I finally felt as though I was allowed to be me and not forced to conform to the person she wanted me to be. We could have broken up after the deep convo we had, but I did not actually WANT that. In the beginning I would have done that 100 percent, but I’ve gone through a lot with her and vice versa…we’ve grown together and I like that part. And I’ve always loved the person she is. All the time 🙂

You guys have no clue the letters I’ve written and the words I’ve said to her when she was down, because she can get really depressed, or when I missed her… yall just don’t know…I’ve always cared about her…she got IN. That’s the best way to say it. I think I was just PISSED that she wormed her way into the door 🙂 but as I said, I GREW to love her… its funny, my mom was the SAME way with my dad..the exact same way…

I typed all this, just to talk a little bit, just to put it out there to whoever reads…

The heart wants who it wants, Nikki is proof of that. But if I was a terrible person for her, she wouldn’t have stayed. She would give me chances, but eventually she would have bounced. I’ve never given her reason to. I’m never mean to her, though i get angry sometimes, and I’ve always respected her crazy love for me, a because its how I used to be and its so pretty to look at just like her face (sometimes I can’t even look at her…because the love in her smile is just too much…sorta annoyingly sweet…I don’t deserve such a fan and yet she buys all my records 😉  But don’t get it twisted for one second, I put nothing past my wife:) she is a human being with feelings and urges ( and a bunch of lesbo friends) who isn’t wrapped up too tight in the head just like me, so again, we work because we ACCEPT one another im FINE with who she is.  Look, you can’t waste your time WISHING that the person you like would be different. That’s not loving WHO that person is AT ALL. Sure there’s things that turn me off about my wife and believe me its probably SUPER VICE VERSA FOR HER 😉 But she knows I’ve ALWAYS accepted her, at one point I just felt that she complained too much about me and that annoyed the hell outah me. Again, there was that resentment toward my decision. But that’s long been squashed with the convo we had.

But if you don’t like someone so much that you focus on their faults then that’s not love baby 😉 Love is the complete opposite, you look at how GOOD they are to where their faults no longer are important (at least until next month! Hahahah!!)

For many women and men I’ve met, there is someone who you are just drawn to, but  they might be yours to have or they may not be. But cut out the whole “soul mate ” thing, because we don’t even know if we have souls, but life partner, that’s something more realistic. Someone who is NOT going to promise you anything but is willing to stay with you as long as they have the love to do so.  That’s real talk right there. Because there is no such thing as “forever and always”…so let’s stop that lie, but there is LOVE in Attempting forever and always 🙂

For some men and women out there, that other person is a bad person, and unfortunately the heart still wants what it wants…your only options are a slow death or your heart one day no longer wanting the abuse that comes with that love you have. Pray for THAT day young ones.. pray that day doesn’t come too late for your health or life. It hurts me to see love abused and used, or thrown away just to be pulled back in…it hurts me so much that I don’t even like to talk about it with those people in relationships like that…goddamn it hurts. But these people are just sitting and waiting for a fucked up person to change and that’s not the way love works. They even believe that PASSION is LOVE…which it isn’t at all. Passion is just intensity. Think if you’ve been LOVED passionately or SEXED passionately. Passionate love lasts well AFTER the sex session…passionate sex lasts as long as you don’t CUM. Once you cum, it’s a wrap, until you’re horny again. try to notice the difference.

There’s plenty of passionate men, and many of them beat their women.

I don’t wonder how things could have been. I’ve been going forward ever since my son’s death… Nikki came into my life for a reason, and quite recently she saved my daughters life, literally. She stays as long as she wants and has my undying love and gratitude for that ALONE…even if there wasn’t other reasons to love her. I’ve spoken on my facebook group about my marriage and there are women who understand it and those who don’t. But they are thinking sexually and no matter how much I tell them that the reasons are not so sexual, they still take it there.and yes, more than a few women have let me know they are down to fuck if i want to… i guess I’m still attractive, at least until im NOT anymore 🙂

Any woman I speak to knows from jump that I’m married and I’m not leaving my wife. I’m good company and I love the company of women, because I find women interesting….but company and friendship is ALL I’M  good for and I’m really good at that. IF we screw, depending on if there’s a connection, it may be good, may not be…but don’t think I’m leaving my wife. There are YEARS put into what we have..that’s just FACT. I made her a promise, once she is gone from my life…be it walking away or death, then that’s it. No mas.

Marriage is a one shot deal for me, and frankly, I never saw it coming. But the heart wants what it wants.Fiight it as long as you can, go ahead, but make sure the person you’re enamored with is GOOD TO YOU and has your back no matter what. And for god’s sake, appreciate and recognize a good thing when you have it. I married nik simply because she allowed ME to be ME. FINALLY.

I go to my grave knowing i dont deserve nik, but as long as she still wants me and as long as i dont do her any harm, then we ride together. Good people are hard to find and so are good friends.

Maybe that’s what this whole post was about.

Later.

T.F.

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