Women.. women..women.. Part 10 “I don’t care what her FACE looks like..”

I was checking out some old pictures that my mom took of me and seeing myself made me think of how far this funny looking kid has come…mentally and physically..

I used to get picked on a LOT. Maybe its because I was a funny looking kid, or because I had a huge butt that made me look like a duck (big legs led to years of rashes between my thighs)…who knows. But what I do know is that stuff like that happens to all kids who aren’t cute. And those of us kids who aren’t cute have to roll with the punches.

Some of us follow other kids in order to get cool, while others

turn into bullies because they were never accepted. Yet and still, there are others who say “FUCK those other kids, I will just play by myself”

Hello 🙂

Though we survive things, we do not walk away unchanged. Years of people laughing at me, or picking at me for whatever reason gave me low self esteem. It was bad because even though I had confidence in certain

aspects of myself, I wasn’t confident in my looks at all. I was well into my later 20’s and I would not look people in their face when I spoke to them. I would sort of look of past them or walk beside them, this way I wouldn’t have to look at them. This was never a conscious thing, it was simply something I did that worked for my issues of looking people in the eyes.

The singular reason I didn’t look people in the eyes was because I could not shake the feeling that the longer I looked at them, eventually they would laugh at me or see something funny about my face. This stemmed directly from my childhood.



My mother was a good support system. She was an independent person, so she said “fuck what everyone else thinks, be you” And I did that. I wore what I wanted to wear and I had a shitty sense of style in high school. But I did NOT care. I wore the same beat up hat while everyone else wore new hats every day; it was so bad that the homeroom class brought me a new hat. I wore “hammer pants” because unlike most of the hood, I thought “Mc Hammer” was fucking cool and I still think he is cool. Fucking guy could dance his ass off and I like dancing!

white women love steve and steve loves white women..

White women love STEVE and steve loves white women..

Anyway…My best friend/brother in high school and adult hood, Steve, would CONSTANTLY badger me about my clothes. Most of the school did, and to this day he will say “I don’t know how he did it, but this nigga just would not care what people thought about him” Now we talking high school, Peer pressure city, and I was IMMUNE.

As far as girls? I had a couple I liked but they weren’t the popular girls because they didn’t look hot….but they were SMART, which is what I LIKED. Steve once again would be the voice of reason. With tears in his eyes he would say “Son! You gotta stop talking to these ugly bitches son. You can do so much better than this shit. Just dress better and you can pull dimes son! Its chicks that look at you all the time, but they look at how you dress and they get turned off. I mean I’m your friend , I’m telling you that you can do better. You got muscles, you could get so much pussy”  (LMAO. Ahhh man, how young men talk to one another….and their motivations 🙂 Women? You’re doomed. I’m trying to help, but I don’t think the dialogue has changed much in high school)


Steve meant well but the fact remains that he was guided by pussy like most adolescent males. I WASN’T. I liked women, liked their company and liked kissing. I jerked off enough to not care about sex like that. Plus, I don’t even know where I woulda’ took a girl because I lived with my parents, in an apartment, in a nosy ass building. STEVE lived in a house and lived in the basement which allowed him to take girls downstairs, like some sort of sexual TROLL. One day though, I was at Steve ‘s house and Steve said something that clicked. Now I was comfortable in my own skin, but I never really used the mirror much. Steve always did. And I told him that I had a hard time looking at myself in a mirror. It just made me laugh at myself. Like “who do I think I am? Looking in the mirror is for pretty people. I’m not and I’m okay with that.”

steve mackinSteve was pissed “It ain’t about being pretty NIGGA. Its about confidence. If you can’t look in the mirror and say “I’M DOPE” then something’s wrong with you” {Sidebar: “dope” was slang for “Hot” or Great. Kids don’t use that now. They say “that’s the SHIT” this is what KID’S are sayin..)

Now don’t ask me why that shit clicked but it made me feel pretty stupid about not being able do something simple like looking in a mirror and liking myself. It showed that I had avoided another part of myself. The part of me that wasn’t so happy with himself. So I started looking in the mirror a little bit each day…baby steps….I mean I really wasn’t a fan of mirrors. But I worked my way up to looking at my eyes and my face as a whole, something I avoided like the plague many times before. I came to accept how I looked on the outside…but it was a slow process. And even when I accepted my looks, it took years for me to accept the eyes of other people looking AT me. Hence the “not looking people in the eyes and walking beside them during meetings, or dates with women”….uh..thing. I started looking at people’s mouths, then gradually to their noses and finally their eyes. And to tell you the truth, I started noticing that a LOT of other people have the same esteem issues as I had. Many of them were worse than me. For instance, I never put myself down in conversation. I would never point out what I thought were imperfections on myself…like I would never say “I know my hair probably looks like shit” or “sorry if my shoes aren’t nice enough” I mean I would never do that, but I’ve met a LOT of women and men who do that and its due to them thinking that people are looking at everything that could possibly be wrong with them and imagining that these same people are inwardly judging them as substandard.

These people are literally saying “I know I’m not good enough but I’m trying” Terrible attitude to have on a date, a meeting, hell, even society. My not giving a shit about what others thought helped me avoid that, I just had a hard time with looking at people because I just didn’t think I was much of a looker. But I knew I was a good person and worthy of respect that I had better get or else I’m out. “Ironic that the eyes I avoided for decades into adulthood, reflected souls similar, but not identical to my own”


I have made it my business to let any woman I’m attracted to know that they are beautiful women. Because I believe that they ARE and true to my nature, I want them to not give a shit about anyone who disagrees 🙂 I’m not a guy that is into faces, though I study them. Physically I like my women with some weight, I like certain kinds of stretch marks, I like bellies, not huge ones, but belly is cute. We all can’t be in shape. We all can’t be athletes. I find women with normal body types are grounded. I mean, they have lived with their weight for years so they have an acceptance for the most part, however, many can have self esteem issues with other things…again, no ones perfect, but someone with very low self esteem is just not attractive. If you have to constantly tell someone that “you look fine okay??????” Its just too much after a while. People love confidence, so you gotta find something you love about yourself and then find something else after that…work on the self esteem slowly and surely. Ironically, women that society deems as pretty usually have low self esteem. It comes from constant attention given to them by men and women over their looks, and these women feel that WITHOUT their looks they are substandard. Their looks are what make them special and without them, they are no longer special. I have dated a couple of women who just happen to have been models and they were both very annoying dates. Plus I find that these women are VERY awkward when it comes to initiating conversation because they are used to men speaking to them. So many times these hot women are single and find themselves dealing with exes because they are scared to step out of their comfort zone in trying someone new. They simply don’t know how.

One thing about me, if I ever told you that I thought you were beautiful, and fine, it was the truth. You most likely still are. Yes, what’s pretty to one man may not be to another but the point is this: shouldn’t you AGREE when a man tells you you’re beautiful? Shouldn’t you want to ACCEPT that POSITIVITY, that APPRECIATION of YOU? And even if it’s GAME, cant you see that he thought you were fine enough physically if not mentally to take the time to run game on you?  🙂  HEY, the best lies have truth in em’ AKA “ Make lemonade out THAT lemon I gave you It’s up to you as a woman and even up to certain men to accept positive things about us. None of us are perfect, but to dwell, CONSTANTLY on our imperfections destroys our spirit, to the point where we no longer have ANY spirit at all. When you have no spirit, no self esteem, no love of self, you ALLOW things to happen to you. These things are usually most unfortunate and you will deal with the most unfortunate and shitty people…because you don’t feel as though you deserve ANYTHING.  

LOW SELF ESTEEM Is a terrible thing and can develop into a terrible sickness to your body and spirit, because you no have no confidence in yourself, you wont believe in your importance, your SELF WORTH.

The next time you’re in the bathroom, look at yourself and don’t just see the extra fat, the wrinkles in your face, your tired eyes…look at the positives: you’ve lived THIS long, you have your health hopefully and you can work on your weight, you may have kids that probably love you more than you do yourself and they think you’re beautiful. If you have a man or a friend (gay or hetero) who always tells you how hot you are and how FINE you are, NOT just because he wants some pussy, then enjoy those compliments, be thankful for them. The energy you put forth attracts a lot of things. Predators see weak people. They can see you quite clearly, then there are good people who can see you too. They can see your low spirit, and they gravitate to you, wanting to build you up by letting you know how special you TRULY are. Good and bad, people are put in your life for a reason, and much of it has to do with the inner soul you project outward. If you’re not confident, and you’re not a fighter, if you’ve no spirit, then you’re a fucking victim until you develop spirit and true, not FAKE confidence. You don’t have to be an actual fighter to have confidence, just be willing to fight for yourself. Be an unwilling victim.

The saddest part is, what I’ve seen the MOST, is that women and men with low self esteem, would rather believe those people who only care about what they can TAKE, over those people who want to only GIVE care and love. It’s like the male nerd who chooses the hot woman over the female nerd. The female nerd is true love and understanding, while the hot woman only cares about the nerd’s earning potential. The hot chick is going to fuck the nerd and blow his mind, and he will be in love with this woman and be happy to give him all his money every week. And this same woman will be fucking around on this guy. She will be fucking a guy WITH self esteem and the nerd will get pussy once a month. Why did he nerd pick this woman? Because he NEVER thought and BELIEVED that someone like him, could EVER pull someone as hot as this woman. He struck gold and he will do whatever it takes to keep his gold.  Meanwhile if he chose the nerd chick, they could build together, not just financially but more importantly, spiritually. Both would have had esteem issues (nerds are generally not considered cool by society. It makes nerdy people even nerdier) but they would be comfortable with each other and that helps a ton. It’s like a live-in support system.

Someone who understands you and BIGS you up with HONEST support?

That’s GOLD, man. I don’t care what they LOOK like.

To summarize:

1. Children are cruel little bastards, (oh if I just had a TIME MACHINE and a good leather belt) but they are preparing you for society. And society can be very materialistic, and society will take what you GIVE it. What you give OUT, society will TAKE. I said it twice, yet differently, for a reason.

2. What is GOLD to you? An expensive piece of yellow rock or pride in yourself? Some pride can take you as far in this life as humanly possible due to belief and self worth. It can change your life and those around you who are lacking in self esteem as you were. It can keep you from dealing with people who just want to get what they can take from you and then leave you. Gold can get you money at the pawn shop, which would pay a bill or two,  but with low self esteem, you’re probably gonna wind up spending it on your hot boyfriend or girlfriend, because they are the best you could ever do and you will do anything to keep them.

See you next month


2 responses to “Women.. women..women.. Part 10 “I don’t care what her FACE looks like..”

  1. Cynthia Garrett

    As I read, I nodded my head. I laughed. I sighed. I almost cried. Thank u for sharing that. Some of it I already knew but enjoyed reading he whole story. Love your work.

  2. THANK YOU lady 🙂 i try 🙂

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