Category Archives: T.F. PHILO

However… do you WANT it…or….however do you NEED it?

Listening to “Inside my love”
Minni Ripperton sang the original (quite well I might add. No one other than Mariah Carey can hit that high C) but this version from the “love jones” soundtrack sung by Trina Brussard is DAMN good. I aint ashamed to admit I teared up a lil bit  on this one. But when I feel a singer putting her heart into a song, I get connected.

Well enough of this pussy-pussy talk…time to MAN UP 🙂 HOW BOUT THOSE GIANTS?? Ahhh who am i kidding? I hate football.


So…what do you WANT? That’s the question…Wants and needs…two different things. Wants are usually superficial things, or extra shit you’d like to have, whereas needs are things you cannot do without. Now i could give examples of each…attempting a boring juxtaposition of “wants vs needs” or i could make things more entertaining by writing a chronological lesson of “Wants Vs Needs” loosely based on my own life.. since MOST people laugh at my misery, im sure a few of you will chuckle along..i HOPE i get my point across as I frown and type…

As we live and breathe, we learn our wants and needs.

At FIRST, our wants  and needs are pretty rudimentary…you know, food and water, attention from a loved one and a roof over our heads….and entertainment of some form…a toy. Something to play with.
We are children at this stage yes? Stay with me now…

We grow older, we become adolescents and as social interaction becomes more important, our wants change. We want less attention from a loved one and more from our peers, we want better clothes, we drink LESS water  and MORE juices composed of high fructose syrups 🙂 We still want food so we eat a lot of fast food and our parents cooking. We have a roof over our heads, but the house we grew up in…our rooms in particular, become too small…we long to have our own. We also start to talk a little looser with our parents (some of us get punched in the mouth so hard they black out and cant remember third grade anymore….dont laugh…the shit happened) the point is we are coming into our own identities and we let our parents know in no uncertain ways that this house isnt big enough for our growing, yet still adolescent..egos…

We become adults, let’s say the age of 18. (HAW,HAW,HAW:)
We may or may not lose our virginity and learn things about what we want physically from someone. However, our sexual wants are not very refined at this stage. We know we like to be held, we like to be kissed and we like our sex to be for lack of a better word…”COOL”. We also want to hang out..a LOT. We don’t want to eat too much, only because we are busy having so much fun just being an “adult” We still live with our parents but we are totally getting the fuck out of there as soon as we get a job. And we want to believe that we won’t be like our parents who NEVER, EVER pay their bills on time!!!!  I mean what LOSERS! We also want to establish credit. Because we NEED credit cards.
We drink soda or snapples, pizza beats our mothers cooking….we are always on the go… we WANT to move..but in hindsight, we NEEDED to exercise some patience.

Fast forward to the age of 25.
We have our own place, but we know that one day we want a bigger one, like we’ve seen in the magazines or maybe we have been to someone else house that was so spacious. We also noticed how happy the two older people who owned the house were. They argued at times but it was funny. They have each other, and you tell yourself that this is what you want your marriage to be like….one time soon though. Food? You want burgers and fries. Fuck it, you’re young and you only live once. You have a job, but you aren’t really into it. What you WANT to do is going to take some time for you to save up for. (Insert dream job or project here) sexually? You have been with more partners and out of those partners, there’s at least one who you like to fuck above all the others, because they do it like no one else you’ve ever had. Honestly, that person has shown you some freaky shit that you didn’t even know you liked.  One of your sex partners, a nice chick, asked you how you feel about kids…you said “fuck that. I don’t have the time and I’m not ready. I like my freedom”

Fast forward to 33 to 35
You are PROBABLY still at the same job you didn’t like. Its going to take a while longer…much longer than you thought, to save up the  money to do what you really want to do. (Insert the NEW dream that replaced the old one here. I personally suggest “rodeo clown” because THAT is a funny fucking job. I mean it even SOUNDS funny!)  BUT you’re no longer in the same apartment, the new apartment is larger and the rent is kicking your ass, but as I said…the place is larger. I mean you NEEDED a larger place right? Your friends are impressed and their approval matters.  Your credit isn’t as good as it once was because you sorta stretched yourself thin to get furniture for the new apartment.
OH, AND you’re late with YOUR fucking bills too. Unbeknown to you, every month your parent have a glass of wine and giggle their asses off.

That line you said “I’m gonna pay my bills on time!!!” is STILL funny decades later.

Your sex life is healthy ,but you’ve narrowed it down a LOT.  There’s still that person who blew your mind sexually but there’s also this other person who is really cool. You’re torn, because you know the woman you want and yet the woman you need just doesn’t blow your mind sexually. And you NEED to have your mind blown sexually. What sorta bugs you is that you’re not very safe when it comes to the freaky chick. I mean you’ve known her for years but you know that she isn’t just fucking you alone. Plus you’re all of a sudden….thinking about kids…and she probably wouldn’t be an ideal mother, but the nice chick seems like she would be. You brushed her off when she asked about children years ago, you didnt WANT children THEN…
Food? Your tastes have been refined due to years of being in different social circles. You’re down for some Thai, Indian or fine cuisine. You would rather wash a steak down with some good wine rather than water, but if its water, it had better be filtered. Because tap water…well its fucking tap water.

I will stop now… My point is made. If you cant see it, then explanations follow: What we want and need? Changes with the seasons and even THE MOMENT. That is my personal beef with people who think they know what they TRULY want in LIFE. Seriously? In the entirety of life you KNOW what you want? Riiiiiight. You wanna be a millionaire until you learn about millionaire taxes. But you were so sure though…

The truth is we know what we want for NOW, but we don’t know what we want for the future. But how could we? We haven’t experienced it yet. We have yet to find out what we like or don’t like in ALL aspects…and the truth is, we may never know.

No one on earth has had a full life of knowing and experiencing EVERYTHING. And most of us spend so much time working and paying bills and parenting..I mean how much vacation have YOU had? Traveling? A nice restaurant? much have you ENJOYED life to know what you want and what makes you truly smile FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

Another truth is that as human beings, we are NEVER content. And anyone who IS, is either too old to do anything about it or they are young and lazy. Complacency is NOT good. It just means you’re fine, but its just a MOMENT that you’re fine and life is comprised of many moments until the day we become dust.

If you know what you want or need, then by all means, go for it. You need to MOVE toward what you want and not wait /be complacent, and think it will come to you (don’t look for love though, that’s an exception to the rule) but just know that by life’s design, your WANTS will change, and for the most part, your NEEDS, the things you need to survive, probably won’t. As stated, people you meet, and sometimes people you have intimate contact with show you what you feel you want or  need from someone else in this life… and yet relationships can break up and married couples get divorced…wants, needs, life changes…its a reflection of who YOU are…at that moment 🙂

And as we get older, our wants become more practical in every aspect..we no longer need a bigger apartment, the newest car or a huge house.

In the end, A house will do, so will a car that’s dependable, or an apartment that you can afford, that doesn’t break you every month.

Sexually, we no longer need a sex partner who gives us a wild time every time we fuck, we rather have a person who makes love to us, and is willing to try new things (well, not new to YOU, just some of the freaky shit you did back in the day with the wild sex partner…shhhhhhh!!) OR…just a good friend who give you company…

Those “needs” were never truly needs at all.

It is true what they comes full circle. Recall what we needed in the beginning: food,water, a roof over our heads, a form of entertainment and attention from a loved one….OH..And a good nights sleep!! Shit its 12 heads gonna be hurting tomorrow 😦 going to NEED an aspirin.


Women…Part 8…..A Fuckin’ break up…. just to make up…seriously????

(I’m free styling today. What moves me gets written. But I will try to focus on pain and loss and the possible rewards of both. I’m feelin a sorta way today…so lets ride with it)
When I think of break ups the chorus to “Forever Blue” by Swing Out Sister….comes to mind…

“Nights don’t come any longer…
Days seem to last forever…
Nothing you can do, can bring them back to you..
Forever blue..” its a LOVELY song, YouTube it if you’re feeling adventurous 🙂

.but that part……”Nothing you can do”…..well that part is debatable, because if you guys broke up on decent terms, like a mutual agreement, then it’s possible that there is still something between the two of you. Mutual break ups are something I know quite well. The reason? Well lets just say that I’m always the right man at the wrong TIME, and usually its MY watch that’s fucked up 😦

Truthfully, breakups say a lot about the kind of person you are, just like any other social exchange.

I’ve only had one “bad” breakup….ever. Dead serious. That would be my daughter’s mom. And that was more so due to the fact that my daughter’s mom is really argumentative and rather Bi-polar. But every significant relationship I’ve had after her has been on somewhat mutual terms. Sure there were tears and heartache, but it seems that it had to be done for one reason or another (side note, I grew tired of that “had to be done” shit. Just blame ME, everyone else does). Again, usually, it has something to do with me, they want more than what I can give them at the time. Regardless, for me it’s like a divorce and we split what’s ours…you get the tears and I get the heartache…

Hard to believe that within this tough exterior lies actual feelings, but truthfully, I’m a passionate person. I FEEL things and I make sure other people feel those things as well in a relationship. I’ve explained the kind of person I WAS to anyone who asks: I was a “love conquers all” kind of guy. “Me and you against the world”….I was a soldier for love.
THAT person was severely beaten by my daughter’s mother.

There’s a scene in the movie “The break up” where Jennifer Anniston is telling Vince Vaughn that she was trying to love him, but she had NOTHING left.

Real talk: that shit fucked me right up. Because it made me recall the pain I felt before I ended things with my daughter’s mom. It is a TERRIBLE feeling when you feel as though YOU are dying inside, and my love for my daughter’s mom was so deep that I was willing to sacrifice that person, just to keep us together.

Now think about that shit. Because I had to in order to see how crazy that sort of thinking was. The truth was that once that person died; there would be no love left.  And what kind of life would that be?
So yeah, I ended it and I walked away a different person because of it. The person I used to be was almost dead, and so I tucked him away and allowed my survival instincts, the fighter in me, to take over. And ever since then, THAT is the person everybody knows ME to be. It’s been over 14 years at least.

But those who get IN, those who can spark those feelings and make me feel just a little bit of who I used to be…..I give ‘em the world…or I TRY.

And usually, it just ain’t good enough. Truth.
I mean if it was, I would probably have 4 or 5 wives 🙂
(Wait…..whew!…damn…) The fact remains that every single woman I’ve ever loved wanted more OF me…even my wife. And I don’t know if I should be flattered or just angry about it. Because what I DO give, I feel is a lot. I suppose that it’s so nice/good they want more? Aint talking sex…just me. (“Machismo” huggie! Lol! Private joke)

Since I feel so DEEPLY, I’m haunted by my past a lot of times. When I break up with someone, it’s like my past, present and future is THAT person….mentally. For months they are all I think about, then as the year comes, it gets a little bit easier for me to deal with, and as YEARS go by…they become POIGNANT memories that make me take a seat sometimes 😦

Those who touch the man I was, NEVER truly leave. I just don’t know HOW to let those people go. And I don’t think I ever want to learn. What gets lost is that this is a person who you LOVED. And then they just walk AWAY…from YOU. Sure you know why, but it doesn’t make anything better. You spend so much time still worrying about them and wondering what they are doing at any given moment. Lots of times you want to call, but you can’t because you want to give them space and time to think…you’re hoping they want to call you or actually do call. You’re eventually wondering who they’re with….. I mean it is SO fucking sad, seriously.  The difference between me and most is that I don’t think it’s pathetic and even when I do, it doesn’t stop me. I think what does is when I know that they have moved on with someone else. THAT usually works wonders for me.

EVERY significant ex I’ve thought about HARD, were thought about less once I knew they had someone else.

Why?  Because now I know that someone else is taking care of them. Simple. I suppose I have a daddy complex? I dunno, but I love and care that much. With me, there’s no anger when my ex’s move on, there is a sadness, yes, because someone else is doing all the things I used to do, but no real anger because that’s life, we go on, we must. There’s not even anger in cases where the new man is thrown in my face. My kid’s mom did that once, but I’m naturally NOT a hater.  Plus, HE left her ass too!

The fact remains though that time apart (from me aparently)  is needed. Sometimes it’s needed for a couple weeks in order to know how you truly feel WITHOUT this person in your life and then other times you KNOW you don’t want this person in your life anymore. Space gives you a chance to not only regroup, but to think if that person was worth your time, and will you allow them back into your life in ANY capacity.
I happen to always reconnect with my significant ex’s.  Always. There were a couple of times it was physical (which is VERY natural) but for the most part, we are friends. We can do lunch dates, etc. I actually LIKE that about my ex’s, they don’t hate me. (Well, not to my face )

What I DON’T like is when I hear that the man in their life doesn’t treat them with the love and respect that I gave them. I don’t like that at all, and it seems to happen more often than not. The reason why I THINK this happens is that the women I wind of having significant relationships with are all rather emotional and complex people.
PROBABLY because I’m complex and though I’m not emotional, I am rather moody.

See if I was emotional, then it wouldn’t work because I would be tripping out WITH them. Instead I’m usually the “calm yo ass down” person. I think what people don’t think about when they walk away from someone is that it is NOT EASY to find someone who understands you and LET’S you be the kind of person you are with all your good and bad qualities. I KNOW it’s not easy because I haven’t had a lot of relationships. A woman has to actually LIKE me to be around me for any significant amount of time 🙂 so as a woman who likes me, you yourself have to have things in common with me. Hence you’re probably complex, moody, of reasonable intellect, rather emotional, have a bit of a temper, have a dirty sense of humor, lazy, but do what you gotta do to hold down a job, like sex WITH the RIGHT person and not just anybody…these were the women I dated. …I was them and they were me. I got inside of them and they got inside of ME…I loved them and I allowed them to touch me in ways no one else can.

And that’s a rule for ANY deep relationship. It’s NOT something you just find all over again. I KNOW. I’ve watched  and I’ve experienced. Special times are special for a fucking REASON. Walk away if you’re so inclined, just understand what you’re walking away from. Think before you leap. because i’ve seen many women go back to the guy who treated them better than most, only to find out that he has moved on. (i know a few really nice guys, y’all know how THEY are usually treated by the ladies) In life you take the good with the bad, by all means, if the kitchen is too damn hot, then get the hell out the kitchen, but if it really isnt something too bad and youre being treated well and more importantly loved and cared for, then roll with it. Nothings perfect because YOU aren’t perfect.

In my younger days I tried to not feel anything during a breakup, but now that I’m way older, I’ve since seen and felt how stupid that is. You should think about it, you should reminisce. Even if it was shitty, go for it, IF you want to. But don’t force yourself to remember stuff if you don’t wanna. The women I break up with simply go through the “not calling” stage. I mean I just don’t hear shit from them anymore. Usually when I do, it’s about a month or two later, but sometimes its years. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to call them, but I know people have to sort things out for themselves in order to grow. What I kind of HATE is when an ex of mines DELUDES themselves by believing some dumb shit that didn’t even happen(daughter’s mom). I mean if you know why we broke up then THAT’S why we broke up. Don’t take it any further than that by thinking it was all these OTHER crazy ass reasons. Sometimes space isn’t good when you start thinking dumb shit on your own. But as much as I hate it, I gotta let them come back in my direction when they truly want to or when life wants them to. It hurts the hell out of me….it really does…because my heart is literally calling out to someone I care for. But then I start to settle in and I tell myself some real truth: if a person WANTS to call you, then they will call you. And if they ever truly loved you, then they can never stay away forever, because they care just like you do.

So…..I listen to a lot of music and my imagination always goes to the past. During a breakup, the fantasies are about “what if’s” as opposed to what actually happened. These fantasies bring a smile to my heart. In reality, without music, I would keep myself busy doing chores, but it sucks because no matter what I would do, I would be doing it with the other person…going out to eat and even the movies are like going out with the other person, sweeping the floor just gathers up some of the strands of their fallen hair (women and their weaves and wigs man. Go NATURAL!!! 🙂
Going to sleep? I get there eventually, but first I gotta lay in the bed and think about my ex. Gotta get a little sad, I’m not trying to do any of this stuff, its just right there on my head and heart to do. I just don’t run from that kind of pain.

“Love can be pain, but to deny yourself the pleasure of that pain, is to love unselfishly”…

That’s me in a nutshell. THAT is the person locked inside. If WE love each other, then I accept that one day you could hurt me the most, but if I embraced that fear, then I would not love with all of ME. And that is not the kind of love I have to give. My love is passionate, it’s a MAN’S love he should have for a woman. Its intense, it’s always there and its TRUE. My love is never false and every woman I’ve ever loved and said I loved KNOWS that about me.

I would like to believe that is the reason they still care…maybe even love, me. I don’t know if they do, but I see that they are still around me and care to speak to me, especially when they are down. Someone told me that I’m in a class by myself, and they meant that as a compliment, if so, then so are the women I’ve loved. They were ALL special to me and they ARE special WITHOUT me.  I think they have found out the hard way that being who they are makes finding that significant person more difficult IF they LOOK for that person. We are all human, we have feelings, we get lonely and we tend to want what we WANT instead of what we NEED. God/life gives us what we NEED in its own time, but we WANT what we WANT on our IMPATIENT concept of time.  I would like to say to the women I love still that maybe they should remember how we came into each others lives…

We weren’t looking for anything..
We weren’t sad about anything..
We weren’t too happy either 🙂 ..
But we were in good spaces..
And life or god, allowed us to find one another and it was good until space was needed.

I suppose the important thing is to find that space of contentment with self again. It’s not about needing someone to complete you, it’s about completing yourself, because if you need someone else to complete you then you are FOREVER dependent upon someone else. And if they leave then you are LOST. I may get FULLY attached to the women I love, boy do I get attached…but when we part ways, I am NOT lost.

I am still the person I was.

The difference is that my mind adds a new muse

A new inspiration for my sadness….

The truth is that I am a man who is not happy. I have had times when I was, but those times come and go like the wind. My unhappiness stems from a lonely childhood, and there have been many times that life has shown me things that have hit me like a bolt of lightning, shaking me to my core… Every word for every story, paragraph, book, script or blog I have written stems from sadness. I AM an inspirational and helpful writer because I have suffered mentally and I am still in pain due to many things. However, god blessed me with a sense of humor and so I am a clown crying on the inside 🙂 However,  my greatest pain, I believe, is the loss of the man I was; The believer in love. Yes that man was foolish and crazy brave, but he was fearless because he had love by his side and in his heart.
I WAS the dashing hero I read in my romance novels. Ironically a woman damn near destroyed who I was, but who I am now, is not so bad.

I STILL love. And love is truly all that matters. Without it, we don’t feel. We become cold, INDIFFERENT. One woman would be just like the last. Without love, I wouldn’t respect women, wouldn’t respect anyone. Everyone would be nothing more than a body. Women would be reduced to warm holes to stick my dick into or mouthy bitches I need to slap the shit out of…

No one would mean shit to me.

I thank god, that I’m not that kind of person. But make no mistake; I WOULD have been, if I allowed someone to completely destroy who I was.

2,796 word count?? = ENOUGH writing.



p.s. i see people read my blogs, its much appreciated. if you have an opinion then SPEAK. That’s what the comments section is for, but dont walk away angry at ME, if something i typed brings up bad memories i aint have SHIT to do with 🙂

Women..women…women…. Part 7..No matter where you go, there you are..

Writers note:This is my seventh entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

It don’t matter where you run, yah cant go far…

no matter where you go there yah are..

-Treach “Gangsters Anthem”


You can bullshit everyone you meet, but you should NEVER bullshit yourself…. And yet many of us do it on a daily basis… THIS is why we can be so damn STUPID sometimes. Because there are some real mistakes that we have made, mistakes that hold valuable lessons for our spirit and well being, that we refuse to acknowledge. We are embarrassed by them….when we try to revisit these mistakes in our minds, we are hit with a feeling of such SHAME or PAIN, that we bury these mistakes…these LIFE LESSONS that we are LUCKY enough to have walked away from with our health.

I’m certainly no stranger to the process of making yourself know “fooling yourself”.. as a perfectionist, any tiny mistake is magnified in my head a hundredfold. I can remember embarrassing moments from my childhood with such clarity that it sometimes scares me. My mistakes are seared in my memory, and they serve as a constant reminder to how STUPID I can be at times. I have been my most stupid in matters of the heart. But that’s nothing new to most, if not all of us. After all, LOVING someone is not far from insanity. Because to love someone allows you to throw caution to the wind. It allows you to not use condoms with someone you haven’t gotten tested, it allows you to feel that their life is more important than your own, it allows you to trust when maybe you should makes you break the rules of self preservation that we are seemingly born with.

Love allows you to risk everything….for someone else.

Yeah that’s about right.

And as I said, most, if not all of us know all about this. And yet, we tend to love foolishly. Giving our love to people who we feel deserve it, but are proven unworthy of it. The truth is, if you’re a LOVING person, you cannot LOVE everybody. Because everybody certainly does not love you. Fact. There are people who will reciprocate the love you give, and yet there are those who will attempt to use that love for their own selfish gains.

However we cannot help but to be WHO we are now can we?Sure , we can TWEAK how we are, and we can even RADICALLY CHANGE, but at our CORE, we still hold true to who we are. But many of us do NOT know who we are…and this is where introspection comes in.

The keenest eye is the one that looks inward”  The old proverb holds true and it will continue to do so forever. Because if all you see, is what is front of you everyday, then I’m sorry, you are seeing MASKS. Every day, people put on masks to blend in, to FIT, to get through another day. There are precious few people who are REAL with themselves and unfortunately, if YOU do not know who you are, you are just as lost as anyone else. The first time I looked at who I was, I was scared. You sit back in a chair, and you close your eyes and think back to times that you made mistakes or times that made you cry, or think about every moment that you can because these moments added to the person you are. Even the small moments matter: maybe you farted in your hand one day and smelled it, as stupid as that sounds, it says something about who you are 🙂

Often times, people are scared to look within because they feel that they will be assailed with terrible thoughts, thoughts that make them cringe and even hate themselves. And it takes so LONG to build self esteem, that many times a person will choose to bury a mistake and move from it..just so it won’t make them feel weaker. THAT is the problem. Your actions, even the most minute, help to define who you are. BECAUSE THEY SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF. What YOU CAN AND WILL DO in certain instances. However can you build TRUE pride and self esteem if you do not acknowledge your actions?

Some of us even convince ourselves that we MEANT for the mistakes we made to happen. This way they weren’t mistakes. Its a way of rationalizing the mistake…or convincing yourself that YOU were in control of a situation, when you werent. Like “suddenly” sleeping with a person you really don’t like, but you do it anyway…because they are there 🙂 Yeah, that’s what you tell yourself.  Reminds me of “Pee-wee herman”… dude would slip and fall, get up, and say “I MEANT to do that”  🙂 If you have REGRETS or feel like shit about some shit you did, then its a mistake to YOU. Bottom line.

I have UNFORTUNATELY seen MANY women with FAKE self esteem. They puff out their chests, talk about how they are so much stronger because of their pasts, and how they don’t need anyone. But in the dark, when no one else is around, they are SCARED, there are parts of their past that they STILL won’t acknowledge…and they DO need SOMEONE. Fighters know, the opponent that talks the most shit is not as good as he says he is. He is simply “amping” himself up, one good punch in the face or body will rock his entire world..his spirit will be TAKEN. All it takes is one good punch. Not to knock him out, but to break him. See what I’m saying? Introspection is SO IMPORTANT to your OWN spirit. To your MIND. Its just incredibly sad that many people won’t do it because the easier path is nonacceptance…or ignorance. But I understand, because what you see in your mind, the person you truly are, can be scary…and yet it is so..liberating in a sense, to know this person. Why do you think that so many gay men feel so GOOD admitting to the world that they are in fact gay? “This is who I am. I accept it even though you cannot. I REVEL in it, even though you will not.” Its something a LOT deeper than “fuck it”.. fuck it is to give up. This is about acceptance which is so much sweeter…especially when you accept the person you are.

If you were to ask me HOW to begin… I would tell you to think about your past and go back as far as you can and RECALL everything, up until this moment in time. It won’t take a day, it may take weeks, since some memories are just so painful and need time to relive and learn from, but it will be worth all the pain in the doing. You do not walk away from true introspection unchanged. There is simply no way, unless you are very young and haven’t had many experiences. You may find out wonderful things about the person you are..and you may find out things that you are ashamed to admit. Those shames are the worst usually, but confront them, and  if you’re like me, you can see them in High definition, watch the shit you did, accept the shit you did and DON’T move on, ADD it to the repertoire of shit you can and will do on occasion. This is how you get rid of the mask you wear on a daily..THIS is how you become REAL with the person who matters most.

We are BLESSED to live THROUGH our mistakes. We are BLESSED to experience EVERY moment we LIVE. How could you sit and act as though these moments never happened? As if those moments are so USELESS. Foolish thinking. I am STILL living and still make new mistakes, but those OLD “mistakes”??? THOSE are no longer mistakes when I do them again. They turn into “shit I will do on occasion.” These things are usually boneheaded moves but hey, that’s what I do at times. Yours could be smoking weed, doing coke, fucking someone without a condom, gambling, stealing..the list of shit to be ashamed of is long as hell, but we all indulge in something..we all have needs and wants that we feel make us weak. If you hate it so much, then why do you keep doing it? Addiction? Or you just LIKE it? You won’t know unless you look at yourself and your actions. For example, some motherfuckers are just lazy and don’t want to do shit with their lives, but talk so much about shit they want to do, but the truth is, they are lazy. They are tired and the truly sad part is that if they just looked within themselves and looked at their years of inaction then they could possibly walk away admitting that they HATE to work, that they would rather have a hand out, that they are simply too lazy a person. WITH that knowledge they could possibly come up with a way to get the money they want without working for it. Instead of talking so much shit to so many people that no one cares what they have to say anymore because its just the same old shit with them. There is RESPECT in admitting that you are who you are. There is a self respect and there is the respect of society because people KNOW where you stand. That’s a great thing in a world of daily masks.

I could say more, and it would probably help to do so, but truthfully I’ve written enough for anyone to understand what needs to be done. I will say this though: Ignore who you are at your own peril. Continue to ACT as though you’re a VICTIM of the “mistakes” you make and one day you may be afraid to continue living.  Simply because you cannot trust yourself to make decisions. You will live in fear of the shit that you are capable of.  In TRUTH, There are VERY few circumstances and situations in life that you do not have a hand in.

Man/Woman UP and accept who you are and the shit you do.

“Women …..Women..Women.. Part 6 “It’s in his kiss”

Writers note:This is my sixth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

I run an adult group on facebook. We ask each other questions and members chime in with answers. One day I asked a question that I knew the answer to: how important is kissing to you?

Since my group is made up of mostly women, the answer was a resounding “VERY”

The men of the group, myself excluded…were more on the fence. They knew how important it was even though they themselves weren’t into it. So they did it for the woman.

As I said, exclude me from that way of thinking 🙂

Speaking personally, since that’s how I like to do, I love to kiss. However my kissing is not for everyone. Its deep, it’s passionate, I’m looking to entwine my tongue with yours. I love wet kisses too. Bottom line is I give tongue and I WANT tongue in return.

This is a stark contrast to the guy I was when I was a teenager. My first kiss, which I remember vividly, was with a young lady named Monique Badil. We were at my cousin’s party….an adolescent affair. Everyone there knew the latest dances and probably knew all about kissing.

I just chilled in a quiet corner. You know…NERDIN

Some girls are attracted to that though, and Monique was one of them. Now I knew Monique but I didn’t KNOW Monique. So I knew she was kinda “fast” but I didn’t know just how fast. So we talk and of course…I talk SHIT (ahhh to be young and stupid again 🙂 anyway, the shit I was talking was so good, that she called me out on it.

“Let’s go to the school yard up the block, I wanna kiss you. You got nice lips”.

She smiled and it was such a cool smile…I remember that smile because I wanted to shit on myself so badly….but her smile made my asshole clench up to keep from embarrassing myself.
With no other option, we walked outside on a cold night…to the school yard. I felt like I was going to the electric chair. I mean I had NO FUCKING CLUE how to kiss a girl. We got to the school yard and she leaned up against the wall…
I’m thinking “God….it’s….so fucking dark in this schoolyard at night” (yeah…I know…shut up)

She says “come over here….you standing too far away”

(yeah chick, there’s a reason,  don’t wanna end up tonguing your TEETH.)

So she suddenly grabs me and INVADES my mouth. (lil’ dramatic son.)

My oral virginity was TAKEN. (More dramatic)

                                                I was orally RAPED!                      (Oscar award. Bravo Son. AND might I add FUCK the   academy. God bless.)

I Hated my first kiss.

I tried to counter her tongue with mine and we ended up tongue fighting inside each others mouths. In my head, I was appalled.

I said to myself “kissing is nasty. This looked a LOT better on “HAPPY DAYS” You know, when everyone would be in the same car “necking” as they called it in the 60’s”?  Yes folks, that’s how bad my first kiss was, I was thinking about a TV show. I wanted to be anyplace else but there.

Moments later, she pulled away from me…now THIS will shock the shit outah you.

She says : “Wow! You made me feel like an amateur!”

You fucking kidding me chick??? That whole thing was terrible. I KNOW I was terrible. I mean my head movement was NOTHING like THE FONZ’…

Before I could pull away, she invaded my mouth again….so I fought tongues with her again. I mean I was trying to figure out what I was trying to do the entire time. Eventually we walked back to my cousin’s party and she was around me all night. Stuck to me. I took her number and when I left, I saw her looking through the glass as I was leaving!
Talk about sprung 🙂

NEVER one to bullshit….especially myself, I knew I had not mastered the kiss. I knew I was shitty, I just got lucky. But I had a problem: you can’t read about kissing, you have to DO it…and I had no girlfriend….or girls as friends…or girls who even wanted to BE my friend (You know…this is pretty pathetic. Amazing how I’m not gay. But this was also the reason I had a lot of fights. I was sexually repressed)

But eventually I did run into a young woman who really schooled me. Her name was Rashida.  She was the first woman I had ever dealt with that was the same sign I was… a Libra. (I was into astrology at the time. I was sort of trying to find out who I was since I felt so different and everyone made fun of me so much….again, MUCHO fights)

She was a peculiar looking person…but so was I 🙂  she was kinda spacey too….

Rashida: “When we make love..the mountains will move because we will complete each other”

Me:    “Kay”
Side note : It mustah’ been mountains made outah SHIT because I didn’t feel anything special when we finally did have sex that one time. She had her period too so it wasn’t very memorable because it didn’t last long.

BUT!!! She was a patient and caring person and her kisses were the same. They started out smooth….nice….then our tongues would get into a nice rhythm and the head movement would follow….followed with deeper and stronger tongue movement…this woman made me fall in love with her kiss alone. Of course, I got open off this chick, I mean that’s how I was  🙂 always wearing my heart on my sleeve. Long story short, I took a trip to the Bronx to see her and she couldn’t hang for long. Then some time later she told me that she was still in love with her baby’s father. I don’t remember how I took that news…seriously I don’t…but since I bear her no ill will to this day, I must not have taken it too badly.

I refined my kissing technique through the years. Learning that some women like short quick tongue flicks( white chicks and preppy black chicks) while other women like deep kissing. I’ve heard that my kiss is something to get used to because its deep. But it’s just an extension of who I am. I’m kinda MEAN, I give emotion, passion…strength….I mean, I’m a man. How am I supposed to kiss? Look, if I was a bit more feminine, then I could kiss like prince did in “Purple Rain”. I mean I won’t front, those were sexy kisses….but I’M not a hairy little musical genius SO,  I have to stay in my lane. And more importantly, I need someone who wants to ride with me in that lane. So with that said, the women who have enjoyed my kiss tend to be some straight forward women. No bullshit types..”Let’s GO”.

Here’s some man education for you women: You can tell a lot about a man sexually from his kiss, but I mean DURING sex.

See, if a man kisses you before sex, you know, foreplay, that’s normal, classic shit. I mean that’s the shit you’re taught as a man. You learn that to get a chick ready, you kiss her. HOWEVER most men stop kissing a woman once their dick is in. THAT’S a telling sign. REALLY telling. See if a guy doesn’t take the time to kiss you deeply during sex, then your pussy is all that’s on his mind during sex. Don’t get me wrong, pussy can be awesome, but it can NEVER be all about the pussy in or out of the bed. If he is into YOU, you will get a lot of attention with kisses and touch. You will feel like a piece of candy because you’re getting kissed on so much. Now there are men who REALLY love women and they will do that to every woman they sleep with…but hey, that’s not a terrible thing….just be glad he is sexing you right now  🙂

Think of your sexual encounters ladies…
You were kissed…perhaps passionately. You know, to get you wet…a little bit of finger action to make sure you were wet…then dick insertion. NOW…how much deep kissing happened DURING the sex? If you got a LITTLE…you’re lucky. Most women don’t get ANY. Because his dick is in….this is what he is concentrating on…your pussy. And to the next position and the next position, until both y’all cum or one of you….whatever. Now you may get a kiss or two afterward and that’s cool. But were they quick pecks? Was a deep LONG kiss?
Think about it. Actions, even the slightest ones can speak loudly. In life, not every action means something, but during an intimate moment, where two people should be connecting physically, then little actions mean quite a bit. A slight touch can give you goose pimples just as a pull of the hair or a slap can make your pussy tense up 🙂

See if you’re fucking….then fuck. Do you. That shit is primal anyway. No room for emotions. But if you’re with someone you feel is a potential boyfriend, then a telling sign is how and what he gives attention to in the bed. Was he all over you? Did he move fast or slow? Did he explore your body during strokes? Did he kiss you deeply during strokes? I mean I may not have the biggest dick on the planet but I have enough meat to Multi-task.
That’s the difference between a LOVER and a FUCKER:  a FUCKER does what he needs to get you wet so he can get to the pussy and if that’s what you need or want at the time, then FINE. But IF and WHEN you want to upgrade from fucking, then there’s a LOVER and being with a lover is like the foreplay never really ends and as an added bonus: LOVERS know how to fuck too, its just another gear.  Yet, teaching a FUCKER how to make LOVE? TOUGH. its a real mental challenge for them.. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most fuckers dont really care for the person they have sex with, they just want some pussy. So actually caring about the person you are is hard for them to express physically with deep kisses and touches that mean something. But that’s just an educated guess.. I’m a i wouldn’t know…but i do know some Fuckers though! They DO talk…quite disrespectfully about the women they were with I might add. if only you ladies knew…SMH

I came to learn all of this…just from the way Rashida kissed me. Since the first terrible kiss, I NEEDED to see that kissing could be beautiful and once I was shown that it could be, I figured why not everything else? Rashida was VERY influential to me.

I’ve told any woman who has ever asked me, that I enjoy foreplay better than sex. Foreplay is sexual with the added bonus of physical exploration. You can’t get that by fucking. You can get off….but you’re missing out on really getting to know the person you’re with. The right kiss can just set off so MUCH.

Women know the importance of a kiss, most men; just know its importance in getting to some pussy, its sad state of affairs but it’s not hopeless. Good kissing can be taught and patience can be taught as well. If you’re with someone who you think is worth it, then teach them…that’s what happened with me. I think that as long as we are social we meet people who are compatible with us in certain ways and we learn important things about ourselves by being with them.

Rashida taught me how to kiss and not much else….
But it made all the difference in the world once I took the ball and ran with it.

I wonder if she still kisses the same?



Women…..women….women. Part 5 “Trois”

{Writers note:This is my fifth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

“Life is funny..
The tricks it plays…
Can’t help believing in the hands of fate..”
“Crazy love” -Cee-cee Penniston

One of my faves…..fitting for this post.

When you’re young, lots of times you just don’t give a shit…until its time to give a shit 🙂

In the military, having sex with married women is normal…. Because horny wives are everywhere. I can’t even say you could blame either person involved because they both have valid reasons for their actions: she is a neglected military wife looking for excitement. He is a man in uniform looking for a good time.
It’s just a match made to start a fire.

The thing is though; you usually don’t take it personal. Because you know she isn’t gonna leave her husband (remember this line, you’ll see it again) and secondly, you’re young, you didn’t want to settle down anyway. In the end, you both knew the rules so there can be a little “hard feelings” but not too much. Now I would like to stress that for the record I never pushed myself on a married woman. I have a freaky honor system about that. And ANYONE who is military knows what I’m about to say is true: dependent wives will go after the guy they want.

So to reiterate, I’m no stranger to love triangles.

Many years after my military career, I ran into another married woman. However, unlike past married ladies, she was interested in me but didn’t push up on me and I certainly didn’t push up on her. She told me about her marriage and it was typical: she married too young and even though her husband does what he is supposed to do as a provider, he basically ignored her. He didn’t show any attraction to her unless his dick was hard and even then, it was very one-sided: he needed her pussy to get off. It wasn’t about mutual pleasure.
I suppose you’re just a “Hole” at that point eh?
For many years, she accepted this. THIS she thought, was what marriage was. You take care of your kids, laundry, cook food, go to work and get fucked by your husband on occasion. She had passion before her marriage but those men didn’t work out and she was tired of being hurt. Her future husband was a nice guy…and she felt that he was a good person to settle down with…And for the most part even I can say he was.

After getting to know her, as a friend I gave her some ideas, not advice…just some ideas of how she could maybe spice up her marriage. The problem was, her husband had no desire to do those things because like many married men, they figure: Why should I? I already got you.

You never think your wife is going anywhere else…and thus foolishly you take her for granted. It is offensive in a very real way to someone who you profess to love because their feelings should be job 1 for you and vice versa. But again, her husband was typical of many unhappy married women.

Meanwhile, things between me and this girl heated up and eventually we wound up fucking. She was good outside the bedroom and inside. It was a win-win for me because I wasn’t too emotionally invested in it. I cared about her of course, and we would hang and talk, but we would fuck on many occasions.


Looking back on it now, I think it was the friendship that made me fall for her. Because someone you can vibe with is not easy to find, ALTERNATELY, and this is KEY: you can be who you are when you’re friends. See when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you gotta be politically correct in regards to the other persons feelings, but FRIENDS can be jerks sometimes and you guys don’t have to go home being totally mad at each other, or lay in bed angry 🙂 friend ship is just so free like that. That’s what we had, we would fuck, but we could talk and even argue as friends. Yeah I got the cold shoulder at times because I pissed her off, but we always made up because you accept the other person as they are. Whereas in a relationship, you’re sorta stuck WISHING the other person would change whatever it is you can’t stand. Again, being friends was just so free for both of us.

Time went on, and though I had sex with a couple of other women( remember I’m single) she was my steady for YEARS.

And those years begin to make you feel a certain way. You feel comfortable with this person in your life. You let them be around your kid a little, you get upset when something upsets them, you miss them when they are gone and you begin to get upset because they fuck their husband.
Yep, you’re in love 🙂
Some see it as a fuck up, but its not. It’s natural considering the circumstances. When you think about how much time has been invested into this special relationship, it can only turn into something that you care about. And time was definitely invested. There were many nights I felt ridiculously stupid and foolish for loving her, knowing she was married. But I felt that she loved me as well, so it hurt, but the pain would leave when I saw her.
Sometimes I would get distant with her, because I knew she still fucked her husband on occasion….but I always forgave it. You love someone you just can’t stay mad at them. Her telling me that she hates when she does it with him didn’t matter. I mean, that’s your husband, how you gonna not fuck him?
Besides, I knew what it was from jump…
But I had no clue about what it would be later…the whole “love” thing.

It took many years but what we had tapered off. It tapered off because I got past my feelings. I was simply READY.  For all her professed love for me, (Which can i say was genuine) I knew she would never leave her husband and I wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted her to.
Because the truth is, passion goes both ways. We had passion but we ARGUED with the same passion. However we both knew that if we were in a relationship we would not be able to stay mad at one another and that would have meant a LOT. However, that was secondary to the main truth:the ONLY reason I was mad was because I wasn’t the only one. Its not that I wanted to marry her, I just didn’t want someone else to touch her. Yes I would have been loyal to her, I actually was, because the only time I did have another chick was to get over her. Yeah I enjoyed it, but that’s not who I wanted. In my heart I always wanted her. BUT I woulda never married her MAINLY because I knew we would argue a ton AND I’m not big on marriage anyway. So in keeping it real with myself, I found that I was being sorta….how should I put it….untruthful to who I was in a very silly way…because I DID like the situation MOST times. She wasn’t in my face all the time, I had my space, I was officially single and could talk to who I wanted to, and I did, but I didn’t fuck anyone cuz I didn’t want to. I was thinking that she had the best of both worlds but really I did. She was trapped in a marriage and I wasn’t. I could do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to, but she couldn’t, she needed permission from an overbearing husband, no MATTER my feelings, I was free to do me, leave or stay, fuck someone or not…and I KNEW THIS…there were just TIMES that I didn’t want her to fuck her husband 🙂 SILLY? Hell yes, but that was my emotion. REAL TALK? If she actually never had sex with him, she coulda stayed married to him and everything. Because I can be a moody person and I dig my space lots of times. My feelings were making me forget to be real in regards to just what type of MAN I was 🙂 To be even MORE real the fact remains that i NEVER asked her to leave her husband. YEARS later, Even  SHE said that if i had ASKED her to make that jump she may have considered it, but yall can see why i wasnt gonna do that. the situation pained me at times but for the wrong, almost selfish reasons.

The shit is laughable once it comes to you. And I didn’t start thinking about it until I noticed that she got SOOOOOOO jealous and accusing me of things…that’s when I started really putting things together. That’s when I saw how free I am and how TOUGH this situation was for her. Because whether I was just a side piece or LOVER, the TIME was invested in me. She CARED about me and didn’t want to lose me. So whether i was just a good fuck or boyfriend, I was important to her.

But far be it from me to tell a woman to leave her husband. Let life or god break that up, I’m NOT going to be the one to tell a woman to do that shit. Add THAT to the truth of my feelings …..And she is still married to her husband to this day.

Just as I figured she would be, just as perhaps she OUGHT to be.

She and I are still good friends and that will  never change. We went through a LOT, more than what I’ve written on this little blog, but those things either make a friendship stronger or break it.
But what’s  also REAL is that we had our time and we did what we could with it in regards to our circumstances.  And that’s it. We had years that can never be erased. i would NEVER trade my time, because i learned so much about…myself and how i deal with my feelings.

There were a lot of quiet times when she left my place to go back to her family…it made me think about how a man can get fucked and left just like a woman.   Make no mistake, being the third party is a unique situation. There are things that you know that the husband or wife will never know. Its like you’re a psychologist and sex partner, but in getting to know this person, you begin to see just who they are and its either not good or not so bad.

A love triangle is as old as relationships are..
So there is anything new I could write in regards to the dynamics of it that isn’t written somewhere else. I can however write about what I walked away with..

If you feel like you’re just a side piece..
If you feel like the other person is full of shit..
Or if you feel like the other person IS a good person, LOVES you and its just not your time…
Then my advice is simple: you stay until your brain or heart truly is done. You will know when that time is, believe me. The truth of the matter is all of those emotions are STEPS to the end result.

There were times where I said: FUCK THIS, ITS OVER.
And we would make up. Because life just didn’t seem right without her. i WASN’T ready.
THAT is what you have to come to understand, you will always care about them, always have an attraction to them…and even wonder what could have been. All of those things are truth and feelings, so don’t dismiss them. But what’s also the truth is that you get what you feel you deserve in life. If you feel you deserve your own man then go toward that goal, but if you feel like you just want to have fun…then do that too. But WHATEVER you feel, respect it. Even if its confusion on wanting to be with the other person intimately or not…feel that confusion, digest it and you may end up in the bed with them or you may not, but I warn you: Bury your feelings at your own risk. REAL TALK. Respect your feelings.

REGARDLESS of how you feel today and tomorrow, one day you WILL feel different. You just have to make sure you don’t fight it when you do.  You’re going to be surer than the other times when you thought you were. A good rule of thumb is that if you can go through the day without thinking about them, if your body no longer screams for their touch….its time:) that’s how it was for me.

And it can, and usually DOES,  take YEARS. If its something special, and not just two people fucking, then i suppose that’s how long it should take. Feelings become deeper over time. Care is Care and love is love.

Its gonna hurt….but NOT as bad as it would when you aren’t ready.Because you went through the steps. You didn’t cut off your feelings like you did before, you grew into your feelings. Until you’re ready, you HAVE to take your feelings one day at a time. You literally have to accept the fact that “I love this person and I love being with this person, but i know what this is wont last forever. But today isnt that day”  That is how i came to think, And it was a tough process to get THERE, But that helped me a lot…because i realized that everything was up to ME, When before i felt like i had no control, Because we were doing so much. I sorta tamed the love/emotional whirlwind and learned to RIDE it and knew when it was time to get off.  And as god is my witness that is an ability that has helped me a LOT in my day to day life 🙂
But i stress, you HAVE to be ready. Simple “out of site, out of mind” wont work because you WILL find them  🙂 LOL!!! The cool thing is if you guys really have something, then the other person is going through the same thing you’re going through.  When you guys don’t speak, its pain for both.

Alternately, If you’re just WHIPPED on some asshole person, they just take advantage of your weakness for them. Which will find you getting fucked and left by that dude  and feeling pretty dumb.  Ive seen that scenario more often than i have seen what i had. Many women just fall for such assholes and its USUALLY because of the sex they put down. It really goes to show how women need to be EXTRA selective of who they allow inside of them. Because when women get done RIGHT… y’all go ALL IN. and that’s BAD when its just some selfish dude. because he will use you UP and pull you back in the minute you start rebuilding yourself. VICIOUS CYCLE.

So understand, that if the feelings are really mutual,you both will be going through the same withdrawal from each other. it will be something a LOT deeper than a text saying “please come back, I miss you” NAH…you gonna get speeches on voice mail and long emails. See that shit takes TIME to do. “Please come back, i miss you and love you” means he just wants to make your heart melt to fuck you. Which is something MANY women fall for simply because you’re so sad and those little bit of words make you feel good. SET THE BAR HIGHER FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.

For good or ILL, when it comes to your heart, its just a GODLY thing. Higher powers have brought you two together for whatever reason and for however long, you have to experience it, your heart will not allow you to run away from it, until its time to leave.

I will say this though: the two of you will always have something. Always 🙂 and MAYBE…AND I DO MEAN MAYBE… if you guys are trapped on an island alone  things could happen. It makes you smile when before it made you mad that they weren’t yours to begin with. And you may or may not find this…almost spiritual… connection again, but at least you had it to know of it.

What else can I say? RESPECT the process…and your feelings..The heart wants what it wants and that Love has a way of making a wonderful moment or screwing up that same moment with thoughts of jealousy  🙂

“And as i beheld you, i saw you locked in a cage..A cage designed by your own fears…
You had known many “lovers” but it was I alone who LOVED you… and my love is deeper  than any ocean… and more Pure than any Lilly white fairy tale”