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Women…..women….women. Part 5 “Trois”

{Writers note:This is my fifth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

“Life is funny..
The tricks it plays…
Can’t help believing in the hands of fate..”
“Crazy love” -Cee-cee Penniston

One of my faves…..fitting for this post.

When you’re young, lots of times you just don’t give a shit…until its time to give a shit 🙂

In the military, having sex with married women is normal…. Because horny wives are everywhere. I can’t even say you could blame either person involved because they both have valid reasons for their actions: she is a neglected military wife looking for excitement. He is a man in uniform looking for a good time.
It’s just a match made to start a fire.

The thing is though; you usually don’t take it personal. Because you know she isn’t gonna leave her husband (remember this line, you’ll see it again) and secondly, you’re young, you didn’t want to settle down anyway. In the end, you both knew the rules so there can be a little “hard feelings” but not too much. Now I would like to stress that for the record I never pushed myself on a married woman. I have a freaky honor system about that. And ANYONE who is military knows what I’m about to say is true: dependent wives will go after the guy they want.

So to reiterate, I’m no stranger to love triangles.

Many years after my military career, I ran into another married woman. However, unlike past married ladies, she was interested in me but didn’t push up on me and I certainly didn’t push up on her. She told me about her marriage and it was typical: she married too young and even though her husband does what he is supposed to do as a provider, he basically ignored her. He didn’t show any attraction to her unless his dick was hard and even then, it was very one-sided: he needed her pussy to get off. It wasn’t about mutual pleasure.
I suppose you’re just a “Hole” at that point eh?
For many years, she accepted this. THIS she thought, was what marriage was. You take care of your kids, laundry, cook food, go to work and get fucked by your husband on occasion. She had passion before her marriage but those men didn’t work out and she was tired of being hurt. Her future husband was a nice guy…and she felt that he was a good person to settle down with…And for the most part even I can say he was.

After getting to know her, as a friend I gave her some ideas, not advice…just some ideas of how she could maybe spice up her marriage. The problem was, her husband had no desire to do those things because like many married men, they figure: Why should I? I already got you.

You never think your wife is going anywhere else…and thus foolishly you take her for granted. It is offensive in a very real way to someone who you profess to love because their feelings should be job 1 for you and vice versa. But again, her husband was typical of many unhappy married women.

Meanwhile, things between me and this girl heated up and eventually we wound up fucking. She was good outside the bedroom and inside. It was a win-win for me because I wasn’t too emotionally invested in it. I cared about her of course, and we would hang and talk, but we would fuck on many occasions.


Looking back on it now, I think it was the friendship that made me fall for her. Because someone you can vibe with is not easy to find, ALTERNATELY, and this is KEY: you can be who you are when you’re friends. See when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you gotta be politically correct in regards to the other persons feelings, but FRIENDS can be jerks sometimes and you guys don’t have to go home being totally mad at each other, or lay in bed angry 🙂 friend ship is just so free like that. That’s what we had, we would fuck, but we could talk and even argue as friends. Yeah I got the cold shoulder at times because I pissed her off, but we always made up because you accept the other person as they are. Whereas in a relationship, you’re sorta stuck WISHING the other person would change whatever it is you can’t stand. Again, being friends was just so free for both of us.

Time went on, and though I had sex with a couple of other women( remember I’m single) she was my steady for YEARS.

And those years begin to make you feel a certain way. You feel comfortable with this person in your life. You let them be around your kid a little, you get upset when something upsets them, you miss them when they are gone and you begin to get upset because they fuck their husband.
Yep, you’re in love 🙂
Some see it as a fuck up, but its not. It’s natural considering the circumstances. When you think about how much time has been invested into this special relationship, it can only turn into something that you care about. And time was definitely invested. There were many nights I felt ridiculously stupid and foolish for loving her, knowing she was married. But I felt that she loved me as well, so it hurt, but the pain would leave when I saw her.
Sometimes I would get distant with her, because I knew she still fucked her husband on occasion….but I always forgave it. You love someone you just can’t stay mad at them. Her telling me that she hates when she does it with him didn’t matter. I mean, that’s your husband, how you gonna not fuck him?
Besides, I knew what it was from jump…
But I had no clue about what it would be later…the whole “love” thing.

It took many years but what we had tapered off. It tapered off because I got past my feelings. I was simply READY.  For all her professed love for me, (Which can i say was genuine) I knew she would never leave her husband and I wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted her to.
Because the truth is, passion goes both ways. We had passion but we ARGUED with the same passion. However we both knew that if we were in a relationship we would not be able to stay mad at one another and that would have meant a LOT. However, that was secondary to the main truth:the ONLY reason I was mad was because I wasn’t the only one. Its not that I wanted to marry her, I just didn’t want someone else to touch her. Yes I would have been loyal to her, I actually was, because the only time I did have another chick was to get over her. Yeah I enjoyed it, but that’s not who I wanted. In my heart I always wanted her. BUT I woulda never married her MAINLY because I knew we would argue a ton AND I’m not big on marriage anyway. So in keeping it real with myself, I found that I was being sorta….how should I put it….untruthful to who I was in a very silly way…because I DID like the situation MOST times. She wasn’t in my face all the time, I had my space, I was officially single and could talk to who I wanted to, and I did, but I didn’t fuck anyone cuz I didn’t want to. I was thinking that she had the best of both worlds but really I did. She was trapped in a marriage and I wasn’t. I could do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to, but she couldn’t, she needed permission from an overbearing husband, no MATTER my feelings, I was free to do me, leave or stay, fuck someone or not…and I KNEW THIS…there were just TIMES that I didn’t want her to fuck her husband 🙂 SILLY? Hell yes, but that was my emotion. REAL TALK? If she actually never had sex with him, she coulda stayed married to him and everything. Because I can be a moody person and I dig my space lots of times. My feelings were making me forget to be real in regards to just what type of MAN I was 🙂 To be even MORE real the fact remains that i NEVER asked her to leave her husband. YEARS later, Even  SHE said that if i had ASKED her to make that jump she may have considered it, but yall can see why i wasnt gonna do that. the situation pained me at times but for the wrong, almost selfish reasons.

The shit is laughable once it comes to you. And I didn’t start thinking about it until I noticed that she got SOOOOOOO jealous and accusing me of things…that’s when I started really putting things together. That’s when I saw how free I am and how TOUGH this situation was for her. Because whether I was just a side piece or LOVER, the TIME was invested in me. She CARED about me and didn’t want to lose me. So whether i was just a good fuck or boyfriend, I was important to her.

But far be it from me to tell a woman to leave her husband. Let life or god break that up, I’m NOT going to be the one to tell a woman to do that shit. Add THAT to the truth of my feelings …..And she is still married to her husband to this day.

Just as I figured she would be, just as perhaps she OUGHT to be.

She and I are still good friends and that will  never change. We went through a LOT, more than what I’ve written on this little blog, but those things either make a friendship stronger or break it.
But what’s  also REAL is that we had our time and we did what we could with it in regards to our circumstances.  And that’s it. We had years that can never be erased. i would NEVER trade my time, because i learned so much about…myself and how i deal with my feelings.

There were a lot of quiet times when she left my place to go back to her family…it made me think about how a man can get fucked and left just like a woman.   Make no mistake, being the third party is a unique situation. There are things that you know that the husband or wife will never know. Its like you’re a psychologist and sex partner, but in getting to know this person, you begin to see just who they are and its either not good or not so bad.

A love triangle is as old as relationships are..
So there is anything new I could write in regards to the dynamics of it that isn’t written somewhere else. I can however write about what I walked away with..

If you feel like you’re just a side piece..
If you feel like the other person is full of shit..
Or if you feel like the other person IS a good person, LOVES you and its just not your time…
Then my advice is simple: you stay until your brain or heart truly is done. You will know when that time is, believe me. The truth of the matter is all of those emotions are STEPS to the end result.

There were times where I said: FUCK THIS, ITS OVER.
And we would make up. Because life just didn’t seem right without her. i WASN’T ready.
THAT is what you have to come to understand, you will always care about them, always have an attraction to them…and even wonder what could have been. All of those things are truth and feelings, so don’t dismiss them. But what’s also the truth is that you get what you feel you deserve in life. If you feel you deserve your own man then go toward that goal, but if you feel like you just want to have fun…then do that too. But WHATEVER you feel, respect it. Even if its confusion on wanting to be with the other person intimately or not…feel that confusion, digest it and you may end up in the bed with them or you may not, but I warn you: Bury your feelings at your own risk. REAL TALK. Respect your feelings.

REGARDLESS of how you feel today and tomorrow, one day you WILL feel different. You just have to make sure you don’t fight it when you do.  You’re going to be surer than the other times when you thought you were. A good rule of thumb is that if you can go through the day without thinking about them, if your body no longer screams for their touch….its time:) that’s how it was for me.

And it can, and usually DOES,  take YEARS. If its something special, and not just two people fucking, then i suppose that’s how long it should take. Feelings become deeper over time. Care is Care and love is love.

Its gonna hurt….but NOT as bad as it would when you aren’t ready.Because you went through the steps. You didn’t cut off your feelings like you did before, you grew into your feelings. Until you’re ready, you HAVE to take your feelings one day at a time. You literally have to accept the fact that “I love this person and I love being with this person, but i know what this is wont last forever. But today isnt that day”  That is how i came to think, And it was a tough process to get THERE, But that helped me a lot…because i realized that everything was up to ME, When before i felt like i had no control, Because we were doing so much. I sorta tamed the love/emotional whirlwind and learned to RIDE it and knew when it was time to get off.  And as god is my witness that is an ability that has helped me a LOT in my day to day life 🙂
But i stress, you HAVE to be ready. Simple “out of site, out of mind” wont work because you WILL find them  🙂 LOL!!! The cool thing is if you guys really have something, then the other person is going through the same thing you’re going through.  When you guys don’t speak, its pain for both.

Alternately, If you’re just WHIPPED on some asshole person, they just take advantage of your weakness for them. Which will find you getting fucked and left by that dude  and feeling pretty dumb.  Ive seen that scenario more often than i have seen what i had. Many women just fall for such assholes and its USUALLY because of the sex they put down. It really goes to show how women need to be EXTRA selective of who they allow inside of them. Because when women get done RIGHT… y’all go ALL IN. and that’s BAD when its just some selfish dude. because he will use you UP and pull you back in the minute you start rebuilding yourself. VICIOUS CYCLE.

So understand, that if the feelings are really mutual,you both will be going through the same withdrawal from each other. it will be something a LOT deeper than a text saying “please come back, I miss you” NAH…you gonna get speeches on voice mail and long emails. See that shit takes TIME to do. “Please come back, i miss you and love you” means he just wants to make your heart melt to fuck you. Which is something MANY women fall for simply because you’re so sad and those little bit of words make you feel good. SET THE BAR HIGHER FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.

For good or ILL, when it comes to your heart, its just a GODLY thing. Higher powers have brought you two together for whatever reason and for however long, you have to experience it, your heart will not allow you to run away from it, until its time to leave.

I will say this though: the two of you will always have something. Always 🙂 and MAYBE…AND I DO MEAN MAYBE… if you guys are trapped on an island alone  things could happen. It makes you smile when before it made you mad that they weren’t yours to begin with. And you may or may not find this…almost spiritual… connection again, but at least you had it to know of it.

What else can I say? RESPECT the process…and your feelings..The heart wants what it wants and that Love has a way of making a wonderful moment or screwing up that same moment with thoughts of jealousy  🙂

“And as i beheld you, i saw you locked in a cage..A cage designed by your own fears…
You had known many “lovers” but it was I alone who LOVED you… and my love is deeper  than any ocean… and more Pure than any Lilly white fairy tale”


Women…..women….women…. Part 2 “If actions can be fake too, then what the hell????”

{Writers note:This is my second entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}


You’ve met this cool guy…handsome, nice teeth, can put together a sentence…etc. He asks you out on a date and you accept. The date is cool, I mean he says and does all the right things…then it dawns on you : another ex, who just happens to be an asshole, was the same way before he got what he wanted.

How can you tell if a guy is the person he claims to be?

Its isn’t easy….I mean it REALLY isn’t easy…mainly because many women tend to want to forget the mistakes they made.

Silly thinking.

Don’t you realize that making mistakes is how we got here as a human race?

So even though you don’t want to be a “Bag Lady” (a woman with a mental Rolodex of every man who fucked and left her. Thus affecting her mind to the point of paranoia)  you should ABSOLUTELY review your mistakes..and believe HURTS.

However, the knowledge gained will be worth all the pain in the doing 🙂

Say you always seem to attract bad guys. Shouldn’t you be the AUTHORITY on what a bad guy looks like? The reason you’re not is because you don’t take the time to think about the last asshole you had..and the one before that and so on. If you did that then there are certain signs you would know for the future.

You are supposed to go through pain/mistakes in life in order to GAIN knowledge. If you erase the mistakes or act like they never happened then you cheat yourself. You end up being dumber because of that. As a man, I know that nine times out of ten, a woman who deals with bad boys or DICKS is someone who tends to like certain qualities that each one of those men possessed. It could be great body,bad boy swagger, a quick temper…different signs that a woman like that is into. The minute that woman EVOLVES AWAY from letting those things be the end all be all, then she will be on the way to getting a decent guy.

Some women don’t want a decent guy though..I just want to put that out there. I know 2 women who LIKE dogs, because there is no commitment. Usually these are some cold-hearted women (Well not TRULY. They just have a soft spot for a tiny percentage of 1percent of men. Borderline lesbo)

So when the question of “how can I tell if a guy is just trying to fuck me?” Is asked to me, the above explanation is what they get and then I ask them what do THEY think the signs are. If they have no idea, even though they have dated many losers..I know I’m dealing with someone who needs to look within and face those past dudes.

But I will give a lady a couple of tips…I mean if women get better than so do men because they would have to step up their game..and the world itself changes maybe for the better.

Unique men give unique conversation. They don’t tend to toot their own horn, but what they WILL do is give you VERY different convo than what you’re used to. If you are with a man who talks about material things that he has or wants, or that he wants to give you, then in MY opinion, dude is buttering you up.

(Just thought about a bagel..gonna use this post to remind myself: get bagels from the store. Be sure to erase this and DON’T forget like last time!)-writers note: D’OH!

Be wary though: the strong silent type is no good either.
Sex should not come into the convo and many men throw out feelers. Its too early for that. He should want to know YOU, not how your pussy is doing.
Bottom line is that convo should be equal and INTERESTING. He should be interested in you and vice versa but you guys should talk abut subjects that don’t lead to the bedroom. A conversation gives you a chance to LEARN a new human being who COULD be around for a long time. Why not talk about some IMPORTANT subjects? Really see who you’re dealing with. I ALWAYS like to talk about world subjects. Even if the person doesnt know what’s going on in china, then see if they at least have an opinion or thought about things outside their own little world. If you yourself are not worldly, ask about a difficult situation you know about or maybe one of your own and see what he thinks. And don’t accept that “I don’t have an opinion cuz I don’t know about it” everyone has an opinion, if he is afraid to speak it, then he may be too worried about turning you off, which isn’t good because you should want him to be who he is for real. Not some guy putting on his best face to keep from angering you.

Do NOT be a woman who tells a man how to get in. This is Sooooooooooooooo text book and every woman falls into the trap. The problem is that women want the date to work WHEN they are out with a guy they are physically attracted to. So a woman will tell him all her likes and dislikes and turn ons and offs…as a man, all I gotta do is take are telling me how to get the ass. Its not the guy’s fault..its your own..because you want this guy to be the one SO bad.
Aren’t you WORTH the time? But if you have no patience..then you will never get shit.
I’ve been on TONS of dates and women just can’t help themselves if they find you attractive…it saddens me in all honesty. We could talk about ANYTHING…and you chose to give me the 40 minute “this is ME” speech. Never realizing that if you cut that speech to just 15 minutes and break that 15 minutes up into little pieces during convo about OTHER things, you would be tons more interesting to guys.

Speaking of patience..lack of sex can get you caught too. The answer is “the fuck buddy” . I educated a couple of The ladies on my facebook group about this.

This is a guy who is cool as hell, but he doesn’t want anything more than sex from you. And YOU know that he will NEVER be more than sex to you. You can have a history with this guy or maybe just have fucked him a few times and liked it. Bottom line is you know that in a pinch, he can get you off and not make you feel like shit afterwards.
As long as you have this buddy, then you can go out on dates and not have to FEEL like THIS HAS TO WORK. Because when you don’t get any sex for a while, you will jump on somebody that you shouldn’t have jumped on. So the fuck buddy keeps a date honest and fun. With no preconceived notions. NEVER go on a date horny.
You will give it up to a LOSER.

Observe. Always. Watch his eyes when he talks..his hands..listen to how he speaks.. all are very important. A REAL man is not intimidated by a strong woman. I myself have always dug when a woman asked me a ton of questions on a date..its cool cuz I’m an open book and it usually opens the door for great convo which is what a date should be predicated on in my opinion. You date to SOCIALIZE. NOT to find a man. Stop being on the goddamn hunt all the time. Learn to ENJOY someones company. IF its enjoyable:)

When you come into a situation/conversation with ultimatums of “well I need this from a man” “I’m not getting younger and tired of wasting my time” all a man does is sees that you have no patience and if he does what you tell him..he will get to fuck you…and when he is done or bored with fucking you, he will DUMP your ass just like the last dude…because he got what he wanted.

Was that real talk too real? I Was channeling my mom for a second 🙂


The cell phone. Unless he has kids, the phone should be on special ring or vibrate. From decent man to player, any man should know that on a date its about the two of you. its your special time. Even if you’re already boyfriend and girlfriend, that phone should not be a distraction. if it is, then if you allow him into your life, you will learn to hate that phone and be more than a little curious as to why it always rings. i may have dated a lot of women, but my phone was never ringing off the hook. because the ones i KEPT in my phone were not CRAZY women who called me at all hours. You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps and the women he is into.

That’s my main things off the top of my head…man talk to woman. But none of it means shit if you don’t do it. Just understand that. TRY it. See where it gets you. Dating can be so one said you have to even think about anything else but the date. But so many women want what they want so bad, that they lose out and wind up losing a bit of themselves dealing with loser after loser.

We all make mistakes..its okay..please learn from them…
And get a “Fuck Buddy”!!



Mental Freestylin’… “It is what it is..but not what it could be”

To study the mistakes of history means your moves will be smarter presently.
In order to see the FUTURE, one must observe the present

a spirited opponent will have many moves designed to win, where as an opponent lacking spirit will have a limited move set….
a limited IMAGINATION.
… Dreams and nightmares, 2 sides of the same sleeping mind.
as I watch, i see that the majority of people dream of things base…ORDINARY.
Money, safety, stability..
MONEY goes from hand to hand….
there is no such thing as SAFETY unless you cannot be touched…
and there is no true STABILITY on a planet that revolves daily upon its axis.

Where are the fantastic dreamers? where are MY people? Who among us dreams of the FANTASTIC? who sees that the nightmare is this MUNDANE world we have built for ourselves? a world full of such promise from man and deprived of promise by the very same

I am left to observe SQUARES because I do not fit…I am well ROUNDED you see.
I observe weaker people because i am stronger than they are at any given moment. Theirs is Weakness I simply cannot relate to. Although my maturity allows me to understand and sympathize with it.

Observe the present and one begins to see the future take shape…
which is unfortunate since the future is a MUTABLE thing…
A moment among MANY moments..
Understand I should not be able to EVER see the future. Every person “blessed” with prophecy will tell you that it is anything but a blessing.

I am afraid I know the feeling.

I will end this abruptly because there is nothing left but…….HOPE.




Not everyone has it, but I believe that anyone can develop it….

In martial arts, its said that your only opponent is yourself. No matter how big the man in fron of you is, no matter what weapons he has, ultimately, it is your own spirit you should be concerned with.

It is something that is 1000 percent true.
By nature I’m a fighter. The adversity that life presents has endless forms and I have to be prepared for each one. The only way to do this is to constantly work on my own spirit. Its the only way to survive ANYTHING.

Confidence is faith…in YOU. That’s  as simple as I can explain it to those lacking it. If you lack faith in yourself, then your opponent or life’s adversity, will defeat you.
If you want to live, lack of confidence is something you simply cannot allow.

How is confidence built? Simple really: every suceess in life should be a confidence builder. Every sucess should show YOU that YOU are capable of DOING. It matters little how big or small your accomplishment is what matters is that you accomplished it. From waking up and going to the gym like you said you would, to designing an architectural masterpeice, everything accomplished in your life means SOMETHING. Because it didn’t happen until YOU did it.
Failure is normally a tremendous blow to confidence, and I’ve failed quite a few times. But as I got older, I learned a TRUTH: failure is just lifes way of showing us HOW we fucked up. As long as you’re alive, then you can learn and improve yourself. So take failure seriosuly, only because it will help you build better confidence down the road.  Also, TRY not to HOLD onto failure, because that is negative thinking which is the opposite of confidence.

Think like this: shit. I fucked up. Can’t fix it, let’s see what I can do next.

Ironcially, I had a terrible complex about my looks. I was shy and awkward. I hated to be laughed at and there are embarrassing times in my life that I still rememeber quite clearly.
But I was a child at the time.
As an adult I’m quite the opposite.

My mother is a fighter and she is also the MOST pessimistic person I know. This means that she is balanced!! Ha!
She has always told me “you can do it” and she has even told me at times that she didn’t know if I could. But that’s okay. I’m someone who hates to lose and I refuse to give up.
Confidence let’s me know my worth.
Faith in YOU.

If you do not develop confidence, well you will just be someone without much spirit
You won’t be able to ride this Life the RIGHT way. Remember the guy in “spring break” movies who is the most fun out of all the other cast members? He gets it.

Its not about being the life of the party, its about being ALIVE. Period.