Writers note:This is my seventh entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}
It don’t matter where you run, yah cant go far…
no matter where you go there yah are..
-Treach “Gangsters Anthem”
You can bullshit everyone you meet, but you should NEVER bullshit yourself…. And yet many of us do it on a daily basis… THIS is why we can be so damn STUPID sometimes. Because there are some real mistakes that we have made, mistakes that hold valuable lessons for our spirit and well being, that we refuse to acknowledge. We are embarrassed by them….when we try to revisit these mistakes in our minds, we are hit with a feeling of such SHAME or PAIN, that we bury these mistakes…these LIFE LESSONS that we are LUCKY enough to have walked away from with our health.
I’m certainly no stranger to the process of making yourself stupid..you know “fooling yourself”.. as a perfectionist, any tiny mistake is magnified in my head a hundredfold. I can remember embarrassing moments from my childhood with such clarity that it sometimes scares me. My mistakes are seared in my memory, and they serve as a constant reminder to how STUPID I can be at times. I have been my most stupid in matters of the heart. But that’s nothing new to most, if not all of us. After all, LOVING someone is not far from insanity. Because to love someone allows you to throw caution to the wind. It allows you to not use condoms with someone you haven’t gotten tested, it allows you to feel that their life is more important than your own, it allows you to trust when maybe you should not..love makes you break the rules of self preservation that we are seemingly born with.
Love allows you to risk everything….for someone else.
Yeah that’s about right.
And as I said, most, if not all of us know all about this. And yet, we tend to love foolishly. Giving our love to people who we feel deserve it, but are proven unworthy of it. The truth is, if you’re a LOVING person, you cannot LOVE everybody. Because everybody certainly does not love you. Fact. There are people who will reciprocate the love you give, and yet there are those who will attempt to use that love for their own selfish gains.
However we cannot help but to be WHO we are now can we?Sure , we can TWEAK how we are, and we can even RADICALLY CHANGE, but at our CORE, we still hold true to who we are. But many of us do NOT know who we are…and this is where introspection comes in. “
The keenest eye is the one that looks inward” The old proverb holds true and it will continue to do so forever. Because if all you see, is what is front of you everyday, then I’m sorry, you are seeing MASKS. Every day, people put on masks to blend in, to FIT, to get through another day. There are precious few people who are REAL with themselves and unfortunately, if YOU do not know who you are, you are just as lost as anyone else. The first time I looked at who I was, I was scared. You sit back in a chair, and you close your eyes and think back to times that you made mistakes or times that made you cry, or laugh..you think about every moment that you can because these moments added to the person you are. Even the small moments matter: maybe you farted in your hand one day and smelled it, as stupid as that sounds, it says something about who you are 🙂
Often times, people are scared to look within because they feel that they will be assailed with terrible thoughts, thoughts that make them cringe and even hate themselves. And it takes so LONG to build self esteem, that many times a person will choose to bury a mistake and move from it..just so it won’t make them feel weaker. THAT is the problem. Your actions, even the most minute, help to define who you are. BECAUSE THEY SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF. What YOU CAN AND WILL DO in certain instances. However can you build TRUE pride and self esteem if you do not acknowledge your actions?
Some of us even convince ourselves that we MEANT for the mistakes we made to happen. This way they weren’t mistakes. Its a way of rationalizing the mistake…or convincing yourself that YOU were in control of a situation, when you werent. Like “suddenly” sleeping with a person you really don’t like, but you do it anyway…because they are there 🙂 Yeah, that’s what you tell yourself. Reminds me of “Pee-wee herman”… dude would slip and fall, get up, and say “I MEANT to do that” 🙂 If you have REGRETS or feel like shit about some shit you did, then its a mistake to YOU. Bottom line.
I have UNFORTUNATELY seen MANY women with FAKE self esteem. They puff out their chests, talk about how they are so much stronger because of their pasts, and how they don’t need anyone. But in the dark, when no one else is around, they are SCARED, there are parts of their past that they STILL won’t acknowledge…and they DO need SOMEONE. Fighters know, the opponent that talks the most shit is not as good as he says he is. He is simply “amping” himself up, one good punch in the face or body will rock his entire world..his spirit will be TAKEN. All it takes is one good punch. Not to knock him out, but to break him. See what I’m saying? Introspection is SO IMPORTANT to your OWN spirit. To your MIND. Its just incredibly sad that many people won’t do it because the easier path is nonacceptance…or ignorance. But I understand, because what you see in your mind, the person you truly are, can be scary…and yet it is so..liberating in a sense, to know this person. Why do you think that so many gay men feel so GOOD admitting to the world that they are in fact gay? “This is who I am. I accept it even though you cannot. I REVEL in it, even though you will not.” Its something a LOT deeper than “fuck it”.. fuck it is to give up. This is about acceptance which is so much sweeter…especially when you accept the person you are.
If you were to ask me HOW to begin… I would tell you to think about your past and go back as far as you can and RECALL everything, up until this moment in time. It won’t take a day, it may take weeks, since some memories are just so painful and need time to relive and learn from, but it will be worth all the pain in the doing. You do not walk away from true introspection unchanged. There is simply no way, unless you are very young and haven’t had many experiences. You may find out wonderful things about the person you are..and you may find out things that you are ashamed to admit. Those shames are the worst usually, but confront them, and if you’re like me, you can see them in High definition, watch the shit you did, accept the shit you did and DON’T move on, ADD it to the repertoire of shit you can and will do on occasion. This is how you get rid of the mask you wear on a daily..THIS is how you become REAL with the person who matters most.
We are BLESSED to live THROUGH our mistakes. We are BLESSED to experience EVERY moment we LIVE. How could you sit and act as though these moments never happened? As if those moments are so USELESS. Foolish thinking. I am STILL living and still make new mistakes, but those OLD “mistakes”??? THOSE are no longer mistakes when I do them again. They turn into “shit I will do on occasion.” These things are usually boneheaded moves but hey, that’s what I do at times. Yours could be smoking weed, doing coke, fucking someone without a condom, gambling, stealing..the list of shit to be ashamed of is long as hell, but we all indulge in something..we all have needs and wants that we feel make us weak. If you hate it so much, then why do you keep doing it? Addiction? Or you just LIKE it? You won’t know unless you look at yourself and your actions. For example, some motherfuckers are just lazy and don’t want to do shit with their lives, but talk so much about shit they want to do, but the truth is, they are lazy. They are tired and the truly sad part is that if they just looked within themselves and looked at their years of inaction then they could possibly walk away admitting that they HATE to work, that they would rather have a hand out, that they are simply too lazy a person. WITH that knowledge they could possibly come up with a way to get the money they want without working for it. Instead of talking so much shit to so many people that no one cares what they have to say anymore because its just the same old shit with them. There is RESPECT in admitting that you are who you are. There is a self respect and there is the respect of society because people KNOW where you stand. That’s a great thing in a world of daily masks.
I could say more, and it would probably help to do so, but truthfully I’ve written enough for anyone to understand what needs to be done. I will say this though: Ignore who you are at your own peril. Continue to ACT as though you’re a VICTIM of the “mistakes” you make and one day you may be afraid to continue living. Simply because you cannot trust yourself to make decisions. You will live in fear of the shit that you are capable of. In TRUTH, There are VERY few circumstances and situations in life that you do not have a hand in.
Man/Woman UP and accept who you are and the shit you do.