Tag Archives: TF

Women..women…women…. Part 7..No matter where you go, there you are..

Writers note:This is my seventh entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

It don’t matter where you run, yah cant go far…

no matter where you go there yah are..

-Treach “Gangsters Anthem”

 

You can bullshit everyone you meet, but you should NEVER bullshit yourself…. And yet many of us do it on a daily basis… THIS is why we can be so damn STUPID sometimes. Because there are some real mistakes that we have made, mistakes that hold valuable lessons for our spirit and well being, that we refuse to acknowledge. We are embarrassed by them….when we try to revisit these mistakes in our minds, we are hit with a feeling of such SHAME or PAIN, that we bury these mistakes…these LIFE LESSONS that we are LUCKY enough to have walked away from with our health.

I’m certainly no stranger to the process of making yourself stupid..you know “fooling yourself”.. as a perfectionist, any tiny mistake is magnified in my head a hundredfold. I can remember embarrassing moments from my childhood with such clarity that it sometimes scares me. My mistakes are seared in my memory, and they serve as a constant reminder to how STUPID I can be at times. I have been my most stupid in matters of the heart. But that’s nothing new to most, if not all of us. After all, LOVING someone is not far from insanity. Because to love someone allows you to throw caution to the wind. It allows you to not use condoms with someone you haven’t gotten tested, it allows you to feel that their life is more important than your own, it allows you to trust when maybe you should not..love makes you break the rules of self preservation that we are seemingly born with.

Love allows you to risk everything….for someone else.

Yeah that’s about right.

And as I said, most, if not all of us know all about this. And yet, we tend to love foolishly. Giving our love to people who we feel deserve it, but are proven unworthy of it. The truth is, if you’re a LOVING person, you cannot LOVE everybody. Because everybody certainly does not love you. Fact. There are people who will reciprocate the love you give, and yet there are those who will attempt to use that love for their own selfish gains.

However we cannot help but to be WHO we are now can we?Sure , we can TWEAK how we are, and we can even RADICALLY CHANGE, but at our CORE, we still hold true to who we are. But many of us do NOT know who we are…and this is where introspection comes in.

The keenest eye is the one that looks inward”  The old proverb holds true and it will continue to do so forever. Because if all you see, is what is front of you everyday, then I’m sorry, you are seeing MASKS. Every day, people put on masks to blend in, to FIT, to get through another day. There are precious few people who are REAL with themselves and unfortunately, if YOU do not know who you are, you are just as lost as anyone else. The first time I looked at who I was, I was scared. You sit back in a chair, and you close your eyes and think back to times that you made mistakes or times that made you cry, or laugh..you think about every moment that you can because these moments added to the person you are. Even the small moments matter: maybe you farted in your hand one day and smelled it, as stupid as that sounds, it says something about who you are 🙂

Often times, people are scared to look within because they feel that they will be assailed with terrible thoughts, thoughts that make them cringe and even hate themselves. And it takes so LONG to build self esteem, that many times a person will choose to bury a mistake and move from it..just so it won’t make them feel weaker. THAT is the problem. Your actions, even the most minute, help to define who you are. BECAUSE THEY SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF. What YOU CAN AND WILL DO in certain instances. However can you build TRUE pride and self esteem if you do not acknowledge your actions?

Some of us even convince ourselves that we MEANT for the mistakes we made to happen. This way they weren’t mistakes. Its a way of rationalizing the mistake…or convincing yourself that YOU were in control of a situation, when you werent. Like “suddenly” sleeping with a person you really don’t like, but you do it anyway…because they are there 🙂 Yeah, that’s what you tell yourself.  Reminds me of “Pee-wee herman”… dude would slip and fall, get up, and say “I MEANT to do that”  🙂 If you have REGRETS or feel like shit about some shit you did, then its a mistake to YOU. Bottom line.

I have UNFORTUNATELY seen MANY women with FAKE self esteem. They puff out their chests, talk about how they are so much stronger because of their pasts, and how they don’t need anyone. But in the dark, when no one else is around, they are SCARED, there are parts of their past that they STILL won’t acknowledge…and they DO need SOMEONE. Fighters know, the opponent that talks the most shit is not as good as he says he is. He is simply “amping” himself up, one good punch in the face or body will rock his entire world..his spirit will be TAKEN. All it takes is one good punch. Not to knock him out, but to break him. See what I’m saying? Introspection is SO IMPORTANT to your OWN spirit. To your MIND. Its just incredibly sad that many people won’t do it because the easier path is nonacceptance…or ignorance. But I understand, because what you see in your mind, the person you truly are, can be scary…and yet it is so..liberating in a sense, to know this person. Why do you think that so many gay men feel so GOOD admitting to the world that they are in fact gay? “This is who I am. I accept it even though you cannot. I REVEL in it, even though you will not.” Its something a LOT deeper than “fuck it”.. fuck it is to give up. This is about acceptance which is so much sweeter…especially when you accept the person you are.

If you were to ask me HOW to begin… I would tell you to think about your past and go back as far as you can and RECALL everything, up until this moment in time. It won’t take a day, it may take weeks, since some memories are just so painful and need time to relive and learn from, but it will be worth all the pain in the doing. You do not walk away from true introspection unchanged. There is simply no way, unless you are very young and haven’t had many experiences. You may find out wonderful things about the person you are..and you may find out things that you are ashamed to admit. Those shames are the worst usually, but confront them, and  if you’re like me, you can see them in High definition, watch the shit you did, accept the shit you did and DON’T move on, ADD it to the repertoire of shit you can and will do on occasion. This is how you get rid of the mask you wear on a daily..THIS is how you become REAL with the person who matters most.

We are BLESSED to live THROUGH our mistakes. We are BLESSED to experience EVERY moment we LIVE. How could you sit and act as though these moments never happened? As if those moments are so USELESS. Foolish thinking. I am STILL living and still make new mistakes, but those OLD “mistakes”??? THOSE are no longer mistakes when I do them again. They turn into “shit I will do on occasion.” These things are usually boneheaded moves but hey, that’s what I do at times. Yours could be smoking weed, doing coke, fucking someone without a condom, gambling, stealing..the list of shit to be ashamed of is long as hell, but we all indulge in something..we all have needs and wants that we feel make us weak. If you hate it so much, then why do you keep doing it? Addiction? Or you just LIKE it? You won’t know unless you look at yourself and your actions. For example, some motherfuckers are just lazy and don’t want to do shit with their lives, but talk so much about shit they want to do, but the truth is, they are lazy. They are tired and the truly sad part is that if they just looked within themselves and looked at their years of inaction then they could possibly walk away admitting that they HATE to work, that they would rather have a hand out, that they are simply too lazy a person. WITH that knowledge they could possibly come up with a way to get the money they want without working for it. Instead of talking so much shit to so many people that no one cares what they have to say anymore because its just the same old shit with them. There is RESPECT in admitting that you are who you are. There is a self respect and there is the respect of society because people KNOW where you stand. That’s a great thing in a world of daily masks.

I could say more, and it would probably help to do so, but truthfully I’ve written enough for anyone to understand what needs to be done. I will say this though: Ignore who you are at your own peril. Continue to ACT as though you’re a VICTIM of the “mistakes” you make and one day you may be afraid to continue living.  Simply because you cannot trust yourself to make decisions. You will live in fear of the shit that you are capable of.  In TRUTH, There are VERY few circumstances and situations in life that you do not have a hand in.

Man/Woman UP and accept who you are and the shit you do.
T.F.

Women……Women… Women.. Part 7 “Only YOU can save YOUrself” AKA: “This needs to be said..”

{Writers note:This is my seventh entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow. I AM however taking a break after this one, but i will return with the ninth entry}

” All men care about is pussy. They don’t care about how they treat us”

MAYBE some men are life’s way of telling you that it is YOU who should care about yourself 🙂

Men get a bad rap with their penchant for wanting to have sex with numerous women. The reality is, its something we are genetically supposed to do. Men are designed to have an URGE  procreate. In the law of nature, every man should get a woman pregnant every time he has sex with her. BUT as human beings with common sense above nature (sometimes) we use condoms and or “pull out” before we cum.  Women can’t understand a man’s sexual urge, simply because they don’t have a set of balls and a dick. Women have NO IDEA what it feels like when a man is horny, regardless of that fact, women always lament about how men just want sex.

Life is full of ups an downs, ebbs and flows..how we are one day, will not be how we are a week from now. Men change just like women (men just take years, while women change up on you every month!) So take heart women, there will be a point in every mans life where he is ready to chill with a wifey. The problem is that women want this to happen a LOT faster than its biologically possible for a man. In this mans opinion, most men aren’t ready for a relationship until they are in their late 40’s. I’m dead serious. late 40’s isn’t old at all, but it IS old if you’re a woman looking for a family.

There are some decent men out there that are a bit younger but you have to find them…or if the gods are kind, they will find you…but you have to be ready to spot them or receive them. You have to be of the proper mindset.

And a LOT of women just aren’t ready for the man of their dreams.

Let’s say you just dealt with a loser. You guys have history, been with him for a number of years and all but you’re done now. Like most women, you take some time to regroup and heal mentally. You don’t have a taste for sex for a little bit. This is all part of the recovery process from being SAD. That’s OK and more women should admit that fact to themselves. Loser or not, you are sad it ended the way it did or sad that you let it last as long as it did.

So time goes on..let’s say 3 months tops. If you’re a normal woman, you are kinda tired of the sexual hiatus. So you go out on a date and like what you see and hear from a guy…aannnnnnd…
70 percent of women have sex within 3 months of knowing a NEW guy. (And that’s only ONE poll! Others show it to be higher) and yall KNOW that within three months means within 6 weeks  goddammit!!
You spent 3 months healing and LESS than three months before you had sex again.
Now, you COULD say “I waited 3 months”  (haw haw) and I would say “that’s cool. Hope you took the time to learn some thangs about yourself and the last dude” but if a brand new guy can get the ass within 3 months, I don’t think you learned too much.

Or maybe PAIN isn’t what it used to be for women. I mean it CAN’T be any different because women still make people like Steve Harvey and Michael Baisden RICH.

Women STILL want to figure out men.

Allow me to retort women: MEN are SIMPLE. Women should devote MORE time to figuring out their  OWN COMPLEX ASSES! 🙂

And the only way for a woman to do that is to look at herself. Seriously…look at YOURSELF.
Look here, You can go out into this world and fake out EVERY person you come in contact with..but when you’re home and you look in that mirror, you better recognize the real. Because if you can’t..then you are a lost soul. And lost souls get led astray or consumed by stronger ones.
Hope y’all feel me on that.

Are you ready to receive a decent man? I mean are you at the point where you can ADD to HIS life? Or are you some woman who is just going to need help all the time? Everyone needs help sometime, but ALL the time, and with the same problem? No decent man wants to get involved with that. Decent men usually want decent women. An UPGRADE over the women they usually run into. Are you ready to add to a mans life? Or do you need HELP with your own numerous problems?

Are you a woman who says she needs love, respect, attention, care, understanding, passion, security among other things???

Yet you find yourself fucking someone who only gives you two of those things at MOST? Then you aren’t ready for someone decent.

UNLESS you just don’t know any better than the losers or men who have hit it and only call when they want to fuck you…you have no real excuse as a woman to continue to deal with men like that.
Supposedly, when you have had a LOVE just ONE time, its supposed to change you and your outlook for the rest of your life. Because you know its out there, you know what it is, you remember what it felt like and anything LESS is WORTHLESS. But if you simply have no patience..or just need some dick during a dry spell…then who am I to judge you? No one can.
But I seem to recall many women wanting MORE than that little bit of dick ( or chunk of dick..depending on penis size) so are you ready for love? Or are you happy getting dick on occasion and doing you? Because if you complain about finding a good man one minute and the next minute go get fucked, then you need to get off the confusion train and get on the REAL train.

Ladies, its not that MEN will TAKE what they want. ANYONE, man or woman, will take what you are willing to give for free. (Its human nature to like free stuff!)

However many women give up parts of themselves that should be worth so much to them. The reason many women do this is basically because they don’t realize how precious they are. Many women suffer from low self esteem, they just don’t admit it, but their actions show it in every way : Downing themselves, thinking everyone is staring at a a flaw on them, doubting themselves in every little decision,not just important ones…these are TURNOFFS to a decent man. Because just like a woman, a man LOVES CONFIDENCE. A decent man loves a secure lady. You don’t have to be rich or successful, you can be an everyday woman and be a great catch.

I’m going to use this example, mainly because its hard to find a woman without kids nowadays 🙂 AND Ive experience on both sides of the spectrum in this situation:  if you’re a woman with kids who finds a way to make it work even though you have little help, that is IMPRESSIVE. A man looks at that and thinks that this woman is super. It isn’t easy being a mom, but to be a mom and hold down a job or biz of any sort is super duper. It makes a man WANT to help you out any way he can, because you didn’t ask him to.
And if you’re a secure woman, secure within HERSELF.. you won’t look at his help like a handout or pity gesture.
There are many single mothers out there…are you secure within yourself?
Or are you waiting for someone to help you? Your children are YOUR children. Chances are they have a father somewhere. It IS true that you and your baby or babies are a package deal for any man…but he should NEVER have to to feel like he MUST be responsible for your kids… A real decent man will TAKE the responsibility. Willingly.

That’s how my dad was with me 🙂 so I know.

Its not easy being a single woman..LOOKING for companionship, while sex is around every corner… but the problem is LOOKING for it. I may not know everyone on earth but EVERY person i know who LOOKED for love? found themselves with someone they were just putting up with. They just all settled because they just got tired of waiting. The HARDEST thing to understand and accept about good things are that they come from no where. Sometimes you put yourself in a situation to get good things but that isn’t a guarantee of getting anything. If a bad person can be found in church, a supposed sanctuary, then there really isn’t any “good place” to find a good man or woman.

Which means its just luck and being at the right place.

OR you can do what i did…dont look at all. fuck it. work on yourself. And one day a person comes along who feels that you’re worth the headache 🙂 Ive had good women and i just turned them down…but the fact remains they are good women and they are out there. So are good men. But how are you going to keep the Right man when you aren’t Right within? And also, if you’re a god fearing church going woman, then I’m sure you know and believe that “God helps those who help themselves”.. even GOD himself WANTS you to help YOUrself, so exactly what in the HELL are you looking for a MAN to help you with?? 

Come on now!

I believe that the reason i attracted decent women is because i made no apologies for who i was, but i was the FIRST person to admit i have faults and i KNEW my faults. Some things i was willing to change, while other things it just didn’t feel like changing 🙂 but that’s ME and that’s who i am. Decent people are attracted to honesty, because its the character of a decent person. I CAN say “I’M SORRY” and mean it. Because there are parts of me that aren’t perfect and can hurt people who don’t deserve it. However you DON’T want to keep having to apologize. You gotta either FIX that shit about you or stay away from people you will end up hurting. (FUCKING MESSAGE!!!)

In the end, it all boils down to looking in the goddamned mirror. Not an actual mirror, but  turning your minds eye inward to look at your own mind and maybe even cry a bit…touching your soul. Its okay. Chances are that you need this..in order to endure and be closer to happiness, you have to do it at some point and when you do, you wont worry about someone else completing you, because you will be fine with yourself….and when you are TRULY fine with yourself…and i mean TRULY and not ACTING…someone will find you.

Maybe its the radiance an enlightened person has..

Maybe its the fact that you no longer care and are happy within yourself..

Or maybe its that life rule that says “What you try to grab the most, slips through your fingers”.

But what i say works, as long as you are true to yourself. Get RIGHT with who you are…don’t worry about no one else…get right with who you are and don’t stop until you are happy with who you are. YOU are TOO important to fail yourself.

T.F.

Women of the world, you have my undying love. I mean that. To my Mom, thank you for dreaming of me giving birth to me. I’m here woman 🙂 Thank you DAD!!

T.F.