If god didnt want me to figure it out, then i wouldnt have the mind that I have..so lets GO..Pt 2

To summarize quickly from the last blog entry: the universe is structured because it exists. This structure is built in a particular way, giving it a particular, albeit complex existence. Though we do not know everything about it, we do know that there is an order to it. There is a WAY to existence; there is a MOVEMENT to this existence.

Energies that we cannot see move in a certain way because of their structure, planets orbit in a way due to their structure, life itself moves in a way because of an all encompassing structure.

Humans, as a PART of life and OF life, also move in a certain way that goes along WITH the structure, with ORDER. Of course there are times of chaos, because chaos IS part of the structure and chaos is change.

However, HOW do we MOVE? My observations and studies have come to ONE answer: human beings move based on NEED. Feast on your eyes on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs(note if you click on the triangle, there are words on the side of the triangle that cant be shown due to the color of my page. clicking on the triangle will show you an actual pic of the triangle in its entirety)

 500px-Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svgPhysiological (PHYSICAL) needs form the very FOUNDATION of our needs. Why is that? Because we are living organisms primarily, and our survival is the most important thing. The moment we are developing eggs in our mother’s womb, we become a beacon of self preservation. Simply put, LIFE does NOT want to die, and being OF life, neither do WE. To that end, we feed inside of our mothers wombs, we sleep, we have shelter…when we are born, we breathe air that’s needed to survive, we eat, we sleep, we excrete waste….these are ALL biological functions of living beings. In science, they are called “life functions” because they are essential to continued living for a particular organism…in this case, a human being. With all that said, look at the bottom of the triangle and understand please, the foundation of what a human being ABSOLUTELY needs to survive: breathing, food, water, sex (NOT for pleasure, but in order to procreate. To continue the species), homeostasis( sleep) and excretion( getting rid of waste)

Everything, has a beginning..

Every structure has a foundation..

Nothing appears out of thin air…it just seems that way.

To understand anything, we MUST seek the foundation.

Our basic needs are the reasons that we move in the first place. We get up in the morning to piss or shit, then eat and then we leave our homes and go to work in order to make money so we can continue to afford food and shelter. The shelter provides us with a better place to sleep, and to eat, and to excrete waste. The shelter also provides us a place that not only protects us from the rain, but also allows us to have sex for pleasure or procreation. Even though procreation, eating, sleeping, excretion of waste can be done without shelter…its more comfortable WITH shelter 🙂

500px-Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svgSpeaking of shelter, look at the next step on the triangle: SAFETY. All that goes with safety are things we seem to care about more than others: the BODY (self preservation is first, remember) employment (continued monetary gain) family (loved ones who we wish safety for) health and property (shelter).  Therefore, even though it is enough to survive off basic needs, we also need to feel as though we will CONTINUE to survive another day. This is very important…HOPE is very important. This is why a positive outlook is extremely important in a survival situation( which is everyday life). FAITH is very important to human beings. However, we will get into faith another time.

Psychology states that once our physical needs are met, we then focus on the mental needs. As you can see the triangle shows  more brackets: longing and belonging (wanting and being want-ed) esteem and finally, self actualization.

Now keep in mind that this triangle is BASIC. Because the needs of human beings get very diverse once we get past the first two brackets, however, there is NO dispute about the first two brackets. As long as we are human beings, those basic needs HAVE to be met, and those basic needs keep US within OUR lane as it comes to the universal structure. Those needs also make us VERY predictable and…controllable.

Slaves_in_chains_(grayscale)We all know slavery is a part of human history, with that being said, slaves were controlled by taking away basic needs, and then giving those needs back in small amounts. This way the slaves were motivated to do what the master told them. Now as a living organism, eventually a human being will naturally seek to rise above the circumstances that slow or retard its growth or movement. Therefore, to keep this from happening, the master would control the mind of the slave through fear. So the physical body is enslaved due to the needs of the physical, and the mental is enslaved by destroying HOPE of anything better than the current circumstances. This is slavery in its simplest explanation, and like most basic tools, it WORKS. Honestly, the very fact that a freaking triangle that shows human needs even exists is due to YEARS of trial and error and human/ social study. So understand; human beings are NOT hard to figure out, because no matter how old, big, strong, smart, fast, stupid, sexy, or ugly you are, as long as you’re a human being, you need to EAT, sleep, shit, piss, have sex…and feel HOPE.

Now, our basic needs are why we move. Our basic needs ALSO keep us in check in the order of existence. Remember: existence does not like unknown variables or chaos. If every human being didn’t have the same needs, then there’s no telling WHAT this world would be like…and that would be chaos. The reality is, life has us on lock due to our needs. Those needs are like crack to a crack addict. Go without eating or sleeping and you will be JUST like a crack head in mind and body.

mindHowever, let’s go deeper; let’s go to the MENTAL needs, of longing, self actualization, etc. Realize that the human mind is complex…ONLY if you chose not to understand it. The human mind isn’t complex at all. I mean its real complex if you want to get into the physical structure of the brain and get into WHY we “feel”, the origins of emotions and bio chemical responses, but there’s no need for that shit here.

Let’s keep it simple.

For every feeling of love, there’s hate, anger for calm, contentment for discontent…you see where these human emotions are going?

For every good one, there’s a bad one, why is that?

“Why is the human mind so complex??!?!?!”

PUHLEESE… The human brain NEEDS stimulation. It’s how we grow mentally. Human beings do not like to be ONE way and just DO one thing, to the point where we will MAKE things more complex than they actually ARE. So with that fact, understand that when our minds aren’t stimulated, then we begin to stimulate ourselves by over thinking, second guessing, doubting…all kinds of negative shit or even go from negative to positive. The worst part is, most of us can’t help ourselves, because human beings largely do not TRUST one another. Without trust, there is no feeling of…wait for it…SAFETY(need!). When we find someone we can trust, we tend to hold on to that person. Remember, safety is a need and we move how we NEED to move.

Need love? We move towards relationships.

Need sex? We move toward sexual relationships and encounters.

Need safety? We move toward a great paying job and surround ourselves with people who feel the same way we do. There is no single new human emotion under the sun. Not a one.

 

history_repeats_itself_by_sonofamorticianEver wonder why “history repeats itself”?

How no matter what, there will always be some sort of fighting, lies, love, theft, jealousy in each of our lives at some point?

That is because those things are a part of who WE are and they will never change no matter how much we advance the world around us. History repeats itself because we do nothing DIFFERENT as a human race. Even if we went to another planet, and we had to find out how to survive differently from earth, as long as we eventually survive, we will find a way to establish the SAME society we had on earth. Because we cannot escape who we are as human beings. We cannot escape our physical needs and we cannot escape our minds. Life keeps us in check physically; meanwhile society keeps us in check mentally. But remember…it is ALL a form of ORDER. It is all a form of STRUCTURE.

Its what we know…hell, its what we CRAVE…look here..

Why does a story have to have a beginning, middle, and an end?

Better yet, why do we as human beings HATE when there is no resolution to a problem? We hate movies that are “open-ended”, we hate situations that end with “maybe”… face it, we crave order, we crave answers, and resolutions, which are ALL, part of a structured existence. An unstructured existence would have NONE of the things we crave so much.

Our bodies are even biologically made to sense TIME. We have a time to wake, to eat, to sleep. That is predictability in itself.

Structure is everywhere around us…IN us.

I’ve written my 5 pages and I like to leave things at that because I want the information to have a chance to sink in to those who read it but let me finish with this: We are able to compute faster and even take in more information which should make us smarter…but we make the same mistakes. We are predictable in that way.

handsSince our minds are never content, we always want more, which is a great thing on one hand, because it keeps us moving forward, but it becomes a bad thing when we no longer appreciate good things as they are. Some people blame TIME for that, how things become obsolete, but an old car still gets you from point A to B. Don’t blame TIME for our human nature:) A small house is still a house, an old car is still a means of transportation, a chicken sandwich is still food, but we eventually want steak, a more expensive car, and a mansion. On a daily basis, we supplant wants with actual needs. We are foolish this way because needs are basic, WANTS are things you would like ABOVE your needs. There nothing wrong with wanting more, or being in a better situation, but I’ve observed too many instances of our situation dictating our humanity. “Poor people are nothing” “Rich people are something BETTER” this has been going on since the beginning of the caste system and the moment human beings realize that we are ALL human beings, is usually the SAME moment when we ALL have NOTHING. It should not have to come to a disaster for human beings to unite and respect one another. however, I beleive now that we will only EVOLVE as NEEDED. As human beings, we have gotten far being the way we are, but MAYBE we could have gotten much farther by now…..

“The first anatomical humans evolved around 200,000 years ago, but changes in the throat allowing complex human language only occurred around 50,000 years ago, and there is no evidence that humans before around 20,000 years ago had abstract forms of art like cave paintings. So “humans” have only really been around for 20,000 or so years in my opinion, but our species homo sapien sapien is definitely much much older.”

Hmmmmm.. we are only 20,000 years old since being able to speak to one another?

I wonder who told the FIRST lie? THAT is the motherfucker who held back humanity.

And I DON’T think it was a biblical “snake”

T.F.

If god didnt want me to figure it out, then i wouldnt have the mind that I have..so lets GO..Pt 1.

The following 5 or 6 blogs will be a diversion from the usual relationship and social musings that I have written. The next few blogs will be my understanding of the truth of our existence that I have come to believe. My words are my own, my belief may be shared, but in the end, this is what is truth to me…THUS FAR.

My words have come from decades of study, deep thought, relaxation, and best of all, experience.

In posting these words, I do ONE of the things I am physically blessed to do which is write. I do not LIKE writing; however we do what we MUST. Just like eating and sleeping, there are times that I am MOVED and NEED to put my thoughts on virtual paper. The reward is NOT when people read it, because the words can be misconstrued, misunderstood and ignored.

The reward is that I have taken something from my mind and made it an actuality. In the English language, there has not been a single word that has never been used before by someone else, so my words themselves aren’t new, just the ORDER I put them in. so I make my OWN statements upon history.

Though I now understand MUCH more than I did before, I know there are other things that I can learn and things that I can NOT learn because of my own physical limitations. Birds can fly, and see parts of the electromagnetic spectrum that we cannot. The senses of most animals are many times greater than a human beings, as a human, I have a higher intellect and it is my duty to use IT to understand the world around me as well as things much higher than myself.

What I write has nothing to do with religion, I write about what IS…Yes, I challenge you to dispute it, I challenge you to read what I wrote, this understanding, this theory, and see if it is wrong…see if it stands toe to toe with what you believe.

Or not.

Such is the greatness of life, in that we are individuals..

Our prints are unique..so we touch people in a unique manner..Our eyes are unique..so we see different from one another..Our DNA is unique..so we exist to make our OWN mark upon life. But we ALL live WITHIN this existence, and it is this existence that I have come to understand much more than I ever did before.

T.F.

The universal ORDER vs. moments of CHAOS.

In order to see what I see…in order for you to begin to understand what I’m saying, we must think AWAY from normal life; VISUALIZE YOURSELF standing outside a field of grass and imagine you can fly, straight up into the sky without stopping, look down as you fly upward and watch things below you become smaller: people…houses…buildings…the land.

Then we pass the clouds…we break the different atmospheres of the earth until we are now much like an astronaut who sees the earth from space…

but we go further

Stars…planets…NOW we look upwards, and around us, the BLACKNESS around us that makes up the ETHER of space: the FIFTH element in human knowledge. Scientist call it dark matter energy, but they don’t know what the fuck it is 🙂  all YOU need to know is that it allows us a great advantage point to see from, because this energy makes up the galaxy we know. It’s the BLACK background of a painting and everything else, the stars, planets; galaxies are strokes of a WHITE brush… that makes the painting SOMETHING to SEE in the first place.

And it’s a pretty painting.dark

It can be called pretty because it’s made in a particular way; it is STRUCTURED in a way to look pleasing.

The look of our solar system, the sun, stars, and planets is due to ORDER. A structure on a GALACTIC (We live in the Milky Way galaxy so it’s been said) and possibly universal (the entire universe that we can only guess at) scale. It is this ORDER that we live WITHIN. This order is STRUCTURED, it has a grand design and what I believe to be one simple plan: to maintain order for as long as TIME allows.

HOW do I KNOW that we exist within a structured and ORDERED existence? Well lets take a look at an existence with less “structure” (I will use the artist Salvador Dali to help illustrate since he always had a flair for this kind of stuff..) 

Metamorphosis_of_Narcissus

With just a sprinkle of THIS…salvador-dali-the-persistence-of-memory-c-1931_i-G-8-802-IGVI000Z

Notice how things just don’t make ANY sense? Well the opposite of ORDER is CHAOS. You can pretty much agree that you or I don’t live in ANYTHING close to these paintings….UNLESS YOU’RE HIGH….but even if you ARE….stay with me, you may understand me better than most will in the end.

As I said before in my preface, my understanding is based on what IS and opposed to what ISNT. If we lived in a chaotic existence, we would not exist, there would only be incomprehensibility, and even these “things” would only last for a moment. No structure IS NO STRUCTURE. No order IS NO ORDER. There would be nothing to BUILD from as the concept of BUILDING would not exist in a reality of chaos. There would only be…incomprehensibility…way worse than those paintings.

social 1 soical 2 structure 1 solar systemSo it is SAFE I believe, to say that we live in an EXISTENCE WITH STRUCTURE: At our base, we are a structure of atomic particles and molecules that have a unique structure which allows us to exist in the form that we do, our bone structure, our organ structure, a building has structure, our society has a structure, our land has a mass structure, our earth has a structured inner layer that keeps it stable and even allows us to survive upon it. The earth has a magnetic pull that has an effect upon its movement in the solar system that is a structured movement of planets around 1 very big ball of gas that is the SUN… and our ENTIRE solar system…is said to revolve around the center of OUR galaxy that we live in; the milky way galaxy (this is said to take 200 millions years to do. DON’T say you don’t learn things from me!)  This is centuries of  science, observation, sure some things may be a bit off  but we have been running with these facts for centuries, WE EXIST IN A STRUCTURED GALAXY, One that is structured enough to OBSERVE  and LEARN from. If it would constantly change, then it would not be structured, it would be chaotic.

However, there IS something we call “chaos” and this chaos has its place IN our existence.

Because there is a time for ALL things.

Chaos, is easier to explain…when it happens that is…not before it happens, not after it happens, but the moment it happens, that MOMENT is chaos. A build up of energy, or an occurrence so out of the ordinary, that no one or thing is prepared for it. Chaos can be the BIG bang, THE flash of the explosion, THE flash of destruction when the bomb that hits, THE moment of anger that causes something to happen to someone…

CHAOS is the opposite of ORDER…in that it UNMAKES order.

Somewhere, at some point in the galaxy, there is a moment of chaos, but chaos is never allowed to go on, because it would destroy order, and the existence we live in, the existence we are a PART of, WILL have ORDER.

Imagine two sides of armies. Blue and red…the red drops the bomb on the blue side, THAT BOMB, the moment it explodes is CHAOS….the bomb takes the men, the land beneath their feet, the molecules and energy that they were all made of and disperses them, UNMAKES them.chaos1

The moment that explosion is done, ORDER begins to restore itself. The blue continue to fight the red and no matter how many bombs of chaos one side throws at the other, eventually, there WILL be ORDER. There will either be a clear victor or there will be no survivors…but ORDER is ORDER.

And every time chaos happens, THERE IS CHANGE IN THE ORDER but ONLY for the moment, because eventually order returns, eventually order is restored.

ORDER is the PLAN.  To have this order, there must be STRUCTURE REMEMBER THIS.

chaosRest assured, chaos exists for a reason, the existence of what we call “chaos” is used to either improve upon the universal plan of order or just needed energy dispersal or destruction…but the PLAN is always eventual ORDER no matter what. And just to mess with you, CHAOS, isn’t REALLY chaos, we just call it that. It’s not a random act by any means, because nothing random happens in the plan of order. Remember what I said, THE MOMENT IS CHAOS, but not the start or the end of the moment. Something ALWAYS happens to set off chaos. Which means that it’s NOT a random act.

This is our existence. This is what we are a part of, and THIS ORDER PERMEATES EVERYTHING WE DO AND WILL DO. since WE live within the order, all life is a part of it…making it a living order…an order with a PULSE.

You cannot avoid it, because it IS LIFE ITSELF.

There are those who would ask “Why MUST there even BE an order or a structure in the first place?” the answer is simple: in order to even EXIST, something must be made of something. Something must be BUILT from something. Even a hologram must be projected from something. Even a ghost must be made up of something in order to exist as a spirit. We LIVE in and are OF an EXISTENCE. So how can WE be the only things that are so divinely structured? or a better question: how can people believe that GOD constructed the universe to simply EXIST with no meaning OTHER than to exist? If this is all a grand creation then IT and thus WE, all have a divine purpose…which means WE. ALL. HAVE.PREDESTINED. PATHS. TO. FOLLOW.

T.F.

NEXT: How does the structure of life affect human beings: Past, present and future. (This means YOU….and ..OH…you can come back to earth now : )

P.S Science FUN : “On November 2, 2009, according to the National Geographic, “Each cell in the human body contains about 100 times as many atoms as there are stars in the Milky Way. As we all know, the Milky Way has ~ 200 Billion stars. SOOooo, 200,000,000,000 X 100 = 2.0 × 1013. Long story short, it’s about, 200 trillion. Now, that’s magnificent isn’t it!

Hold your horses my little stem cells, Science NetLinks, a resource for science teachers, stated that there are approximately “ten to the 14th power” (that’s 100 trillion) cells in the human body. SOOOooo, 200 trillion atoms in 1 human cell X 100 trillion cells in the average human body = a whopping, 200 septillion. That’s a 2 with 24 zeros following it! Are you conceptualizing this! We have 100 times more atoms in out body than stars in the universe
Let’s not stop there shall we? How about 200 septillion atoms in the average human body X, as of November 2, 2009, the Earth’s population is estimated by the United States Census Bureau to be, 6.794 billion = 13.588 X 10 “34

Women….women…women… part 11.. “Why Lie?”

This will be my last entry for a little while. I will be taking a break. i thank the many people on facebook who have written to tell me how much this blog has helped them sort out things in their own personal lives. you inspire me to write more..and i will 🙂 ”

“If love is blind…then a relationship is hindsight at all times”.

Think about that…what you thought you knew, wasn’t the case…it wasn’t what you believed in your heart it was….and just who is to blame for your blindness? You? Who put the other person on a pedestal that they NEVER asked for? Or is it the other person who lied because they knew you would believe them out of blind love?

A conundrum! One I know quite well 🙂

I actually don’t like people who lie. I fall short of using the word “HATE” because I don’t take every lie personal…unless it’s personal 🙂 The truth is that lying is a natural defense mechanism. It’s a response to avoid a situation.

There are many reasons we tell lies: to make the other person feel better, to spare a persons feelings, to keep the other person from possibly doing you bodily harm, to KEEP the person in your life…..

I’ve boiled it down to this: people lie when there is an important situation or a person that they really care about.

IRONICALLY….we seem to tell more TRUTH when we don’t give a shit.

Lies have their place. Make no mistake, many people can’t handle the truth. The PROBLEM comes when you, as a person who lies, runs into someone who asks you NOT to. EVER.
Lying being such a habit to you…keeps you from believing that this new and rather unique individual, can actually handle the truth.
And so you lie…because its what you’re used to. After all, it’s worked for you thus far and PLUS you care about this person and don’t want the truth to drive them away. Now this truth could be LIFE THREATENING…but that’s the reason you would lie. This truth is big…it’s brutal…life threatening it may be, but the lie is safer.

But for WHO?

You. That’s who.

See inherently, lying is selfish. It is selfish because you feel that YOU know what’s best for the other person, when no one asked you to be the other person’s caretaker or legal guardian. They simply asked for the TRUTH, something that you couldn’t seem to give when it mattered.

Sometimes people lie so FAST they even they are amazed at their speed. That’s a big problem.
Sometimes people lie when they don’t need to.
That’s a big problem too.
Sometimes people believe the lies they tell.
That’s a huge fucking problem because you’re living in a goddamn fantasy world.

And something i’ve noticed a LOT…and I mean a LOT…is that people who lie usually always believe that someone is lying to THEM. No matter what you say, its always questioned, never truly believed.  That’s just some sick ass Karma man. That’s Karma that will drive you insane. Because liar or not, you gonna have to trust someone sooner or later and the moment that happens, its going to scare the shit out of you because THEY could lie to you and you could believe it 🙂 ….Karma man…

Please don’t confuse this with people who always feel as though everything you say or do has a double meaning….those are people that have been lied to REPEATEDLY and they are damaged. It takes patience to deal with these people, but if you get their trust, you cant ever betray it or they may do some crazy shit 😦

Sometimes…well, inevitably, I think, we are all going to date or love someone who lies to us at one point. Someone who will  lie to us when the truth matters the most. I truly think that those of us who have been lied to are partly to blame because our LOVE  makes us so ripe for the lie. But there are those of us who are very in tune with the person they are with, and you can tell that your partner is hiding something or not telling you the full truth.

So you ask for the truth, and they lie…and we believe because we WANT to. Again, WHO is to blame? As Homer Simpson said “It takes two people to lie: one to lie and one to listen” 🙂

I used to lie a lot as a kid, but got caught so many times that I just started telling the truth and accepting the ass whipping. Even my mother said that if I told the truth the ass whipping wouldn’t be as bad….and dammit she was right. I mean I still got beat with an ironing cord, but it didn’t last as long.

I took that mentality with me…I’m not a fan of lying to people. And with GREAT dismay, I learned that many people ARE. Apparently lies make the world go round…and it’s been going on for so long that people accept it. Back in my day it was called  “JIVE’ N'” someone (I’m a 70’s baby thank you very much)…then it was called “BULLSHITTING“…and NOW its called “Political Correctness”

sanddThe way i see it, lies are like a building made of sand. Sand is easy to work with, it’s soft, it holds a shape really well and molds into whatever you want to be. But once it starts to rain, it begins to fall apart. You put another building in its place, but as long as it’s made of sand, it will always melt away when it rains. Everyone loves sand…because it EASY to work with.

See dat’ metaphoric shit son?
A lie is a building made of sand but it can’t stand the fucking rain.

But when you build a house with BRICKS, or STEEL or WOOD; hard materials that hurt when you pick them up, scraping your hands and  making you tougher for using them,…well you have a strong building that stands up to rain, hail, everything short of a tornado.

Truth is a STRONG building, with a great foundation. You should want to build ANYTHING that way…see what I’m saying?

Look at this world built on political correctness and shady dealings…look at these high divorce rates and high STD infection rates…
People are lying to one another damn the consequences. And the consequences are SEVERE AND GRAVE.
No wonder the world changes so fast, that’s how fast there is a new lie to replace the old one.
Because sand just doesn’t last long.

So what you HOPE is that you find someone who has your back, who will give you TRUTH in this world of constant LYING. When you find that person, you tend to hold onto them…and IF this person turns out to be a liar or even tell one BIG lie…you just…..lose….I want to say faith…but HOPE is the word that hits hardest.

You would think I’ve been lied to a lot PERSONALLY. But no, not a lot, just key times. Just times when it mattered the most. And what I hate, is that I had a gut feeling when I was being lied to each time, but I gave the person a chance to tell the truth. Not to BURY themselves but to fucking SAVE themselves….and US.  In each case, LATER I got the truth, its too late then. The damage was done.
You could point the finger at me, because if I knew they were lying then why deal? Simply because you aren’t 100 percent sure and I wasn’t in each case. But unlike many lovers, I wasn’t looking for a lie to shut me up. I wanted the truth. Cold and brutal….just the way I love it.

But its not easy to tell the truth, especially when you care about the other person and don’t want them to leave. Especially then. But if you weren’t so used to lying, then the lie wouldn’t be the first thing that you say….you would at least stutter 🙂 But most people don’t stutter….
The lie is common-place…it saves the day….but what about tomorrow?

I’ve always felt that I was  naturally different. I mean I didn’t try to be different like some people. You know, wear crazy shit to draw attention “look at my individuality” type shit. Actually, I’m a pretty low key guy. But I stand out like a sore thumb because of my mouth and the words I write and the things I do TO and FOR people.
I’ve been called handsome, beautiful, spiritual, great, a mans man, old school, lover, baby, true friend…all these things….by people who have lied to me at one point or another. So was I ever those things??

If I’m so special then I should be granted my fondest desire and that is TRUTH. No matter what.

Ironically, I become closer to the person who tells me brutal truth. It’s like I find a long lost friend, someone who understands. That’s what’s lost in the lie; the possibility that the truth would make us both stronger…apart and together.

Hmph. What a world.

It takes time to get over being lied to. Some people forgive and never forget. I like to forget but it happens on its own time. I mean hey, we all make dumb ass decisions. That’s just fact.
Of course, you never see that person the same way….I mean how could you? But its sorta your own fault, I mean they NEVER asked to be put on the pedestal you put them on. They are after all just a human being, not some sort of heaven sent angel. None of us are. All of the truthful and heartfelt praises and love YOU gave THEM…its a lot of pressure for MANY people. Those people dont want to disappoint those who put so much INTO them, they don’t want to make a boneheaded mistake and when they  do, they want to erase it. so I sympathize. Seriously I do.

TRUST can be rebuilt, as long as both people are willing to work at it. I know when guys get caught, we call it being in the dog house. Because you know your woman is mad at you and you gonna have to be real understanding about all her emotions for a long time. When you fuck up, you gotta face it or run from it. But if the other person is worth it, then you face it. its your bed.

And I have lied too, as an adult, but never when it really matters. Not when someone is asking you to “tell the truth, please.” Nah…that ain’t me…never has been…I don’t even have to worry about ever being like that cuz I’m just not geared that way. Now if I’m with someone who doesn’t want to know things, then that’s not ME lying. That’s just fulfilling a request. There are situations like that. some people know what they can or cannot handle, so they just rather not know.  But in honesty, I personally like things in the open…you know..so they can be DEALT with accordingly.

This wasn’t my typical post geared to women, but its something we can all relate to at one time or another. Someone you can TRUST…it’s such a beautiful thing when you have it. Because this world is ever changing…its nice to have someone you can count on.  No putting them on a pedestal shit… Just a human being who just happens to keep it real with you no matter what. A person who lies all the time?  I just don’t believe they can be trusted ever. But a person who has lied on occasion, is just not a natural liar…there’s some hope for them. SOME. And they may be worth trying to trust again, but they should know that they will be under heavy scrutiny for a while. But you guys could end up stronger as a result. Anything worthwhile takes time and effort, that’s truth.
Relationships …good ones..are built on truth. Just like we try to build our children on truth…to make them better than average.
I LOVE TRUTH. Give it to me. TRUST ME, I’m not made of sand.

TF.

 

Women.. women..women.. Part 10 “I don’t care what her FACE looks like..”

I was checking out some old pictures that my mom took of me and seeing myself made me think of how far this funny looking kid has come…mentally and physically..

I used to get picked on a LOT. Maybe its because I was a funny looking kid, or because I had a huge butt that made me look like a duck (big legs led to years of rashes between my thighs)…who knows. But what I do know is that stuff like that happens to all kids who aren’t cute. And those of us kids who aren’t cute have to roll with the punches.

Some of us follow other kids in order to get cool, while others

turn into bullies because they were never accepted. Yet and still, there are others who say “FUCK those other kids, I will just play by myself”

Hello 🙂

Though we survive things, we do not walk away unchanged. Years of people laughing at me, or picking at me for whatever reason gave me low self esteem. It was bad because even though I had confidence in certain

aspects of myself, I wasn’t confident in my looks at all. I was well into my later 20’s and I would not look people in their face when I spoke to them. I would sort of look of past them or walk beside them, this way I wouldn’t have to look at them. This was never a conscious thing, it was simply something I did that worked for my issues of looking people in the eyes.

The singular reason I didn’t look people in the eyes was because I could not shake the feeling that the longer I looked at them, eventually they would laugh at me or see something funny about my face. This stemmed directly from my childhood.

DIRECTLY 🙂

MOMZO..
MOMZO..

My mother was a good support system. She was an independent person, so she said “fuck what everyone else thinks, be you” And I did that. I wore what I wanted to wear and I had a shitty sense of style in high school. But I did NOT care. I wore the same beat up hat while everyone else wore new hats every day; it was so bad that the homeroom class brought me a new hat. I wore “hammer pants” because unlike most of the hood, I thought “Mc Hammer” was fucking cool and I still think he is cool. Fucking guy could dance his ass off and I like dancing!

white women love steve and steve loves white women..

White women love STEVE and steve loves white women..

Anyway…My best friend/brother in high school and adult hood, Steve, would CONSTANTLY badger me about my clothes. Most of the school did, and to this day he will say “I don’t know how he did it, but this nigga just would not care what people thought about him” Now we talking high school, Peer pressure city, and I was IMMUNE.

As far as girls? I had a couple I liked but they weren’t the popular girls because they didn’t look hot….but they were SMART, which is what I LIKED. Steve once again would be the voice of reason. With tears in his eyes he would say “Son! You gotta stop talking to these ugly bitches son. You can do so much better than this shit. Just dress better and you can pull dimes son! Its chicks that look at you all the time, but they look at how you dress and they get turned off. I mean I’m your friend , I’m telling you that you can do better. You got muscles, you could get so much pussy”  (LMAO. Ahhh man, how young men talk to one another….and their motivations 🙂 Women? You’re doomed. I’m trying to help, but I don’t think the dialogue has changed much in high school)

 

Steve meant well but the fact remains that he was guided by pussy like most adolescent males. I WASN’T. I liked women, liked their company and liked kissing. I jerked off enough to not care about sex like that. Plus, I don’t even know where I woulda’ took a girl because I lived with my parents, in an apartment, in a nosy ass building. STEVE lived in a house and lived in the basement which allowed him to take girls downstairs, like some sort of sexual TROLL. One day though, I was at Steve ‘s house and Steve said something that clicked. Now I was comfortable in my own skin, but I never really used the mirror much. Steve always did. And I told him that I had a hard time looking at myself in a mirror. It just made me laugh at myself. Like “who do I think I am? Looking in the mirror is for pretty people. I’m not and I’m okay with that.”

steve mackinSteve was pissed “It ain’t about being pretty NIGGA. Its about confidence. If you can’t look in the mirror and say “I’M DOPE” then something’s wrong with you” {Sidebar: “dope” was slang for “Hot” or Great. Kids don’t use that now. They say “that’s the SHIT” this is what KID’S are sayin..)

Now don’t ask me why that shit clicked but it made me feel pretty stupid about not being able do something simple like looking in a mirror and liking myself. It showed that I had avoided another part of myself. The part of me that wasn’t so happy with himself. So I started looking in the mirror a little bit each day…baby steps….I mean I really wasn’t a fan of mirrors. But I worked my way up to looking at my eyes and my face as a whole, something I avoided like the plague many times before. I came to accept how I looked on the outside…but it was a slow process. And even when I accepted my looks, it took years for me to accept the eyes of other people looking AT me. Hence the “not looking people in the eyes and walking beside them during meetings, or dates with women”….uh..thing. I started looking at people’s mouths, then gradually to their noses and finally their eyes. And to tell you the truth, I started noticing that a LOT of other people have the same esteem issues as I had. Many of them were worse than me. For instance, I never put myself down in conversation. I would never point out what I thought were imperfections on myself…like I would never say “I know my hair probably looks like shit” or “sorry if my shoes aren’t nice enough” I mean I would never do that, but I’ve met a LOT of women and men who do that and its due to them thinking that people are looking at everything that could possibly be wrong with them and imagining that these same people are inwardly judging them as substandard.

These people are literally saying “I know I’m not good enough but I’m trying” Terrible attitude to have on a date, a meeting, hell, even society. My not giving a shit about what others thought helped me avoid that, I just had a hard time with looking at people because I just didn’t think I was much of a looker. But I knew I was a good person and worthy of respect that I had better get or else I’m out. “Ironic that the eyes I avoided for decades into adulthood, reflected souls similar, but not identical to my own”

DONT LOOK AT ME YOU PEDOPHILE!
DONT LOOK AT ME YOU PEDOPHILE!

I have made it my business to let any woman I’m attracted to know that they are beautiful women. Because I believe that they ARE and true to my nature, I want them to not give a shit about anyone who disagrees 🙂 I’m not a guy that is into faces, though I study them. Physically I like my women with some weight, I like certain kinds of stretch marks, I like bellies, not huge ones, but belly is cute. We all can’t be in shape. We all can’t be athletes. I find women with normal body types are grounded. I mean, they have lived with their weight for years so they have an acceptance for the most part, however, many can have self esteem issues with other things…again, no ones perfect, but someone with very low self esteem is just not attractive. If you have to constantly tell someone that “you look fine okay??????” Its just too much after a while. People love confidence, so you gotta find something you love about yourself and then find something else after that…work on the self esteem slowly and surely. Ironically, women that society deems as pretty usually have low self esteem. It comes from constant attention given to them by men and women over their looks, and these women feel that WITHOUT their looks they are substandard. Their looks are what make them special and without them, they are no longer special. I have dated a couple of women who just happen to have been models and they were both very annoying dates. Plus I find that these women are VERY awkward when it comes to initiating conversation because they are used to men speaking to them. So many times these hot women are single and find themselves dealing with exes because they are scared to step out of their comfort zone in trying someone new. They simply don’t know how.

One thing about me, if I ever told you that I thought you were beautiful, and fine, it was the truth. You most likely still are. Yes, what’s pretty to one man may not be to another but the point is this: shouldn’t you AGREE when a man tells you you’re beautiful? Shouldn’t you want to ACCEPT that POSITIVITY, that APPRECIATION of YOU? And even if it’s GAME, cant you see that he thought you were fine enough physically if not mentally to take the time to run game on you?  🙂  HEY, the best lies have truth in em’ AKA “ Make lemonade out THAT lemon I gave you It’s up to you as a woman and even up to certain men to accept positive things about us. None of us are perfect, but to dwell, CONSTANTLY on our imperfections destroys our spirit, to the point where we no longer have ANY spirit at all. When you have no spirit, no self esteem, no love of self, you ALLOW things to happen to you. These things are usually most unfortunate and you will deal with the most unfortunate and shitty people…because you don’t feel as though you deserve ANYTHING.  

LOW SELF ESTEEM Is a terrible thing and can develop into a terrible sickness to your body and spirit, because you no have no confidence in yourself, you wont believe in your importance, your SELF WORTH.

The next time you’re in the bathroom, look at yourself and don’t just see the extra fat, the wrinkles in your face, your tired eyes…look at the positives: you’ve lived THIS long, you have your health hopefully and you can work on your weight, you may have kids that probably love you more than you do yourself and they think you’re beautiful. If you have a man or a friend (gay or hetero) who always tells you how hot you are and how FINE you are, NOT just because he wants some pussy, then enjoy those compliments, be thankful for them. The energy you put forth attracts a lot of things. Predators see weak people. They can see you quite clearly, then there are good people who can see you too. They can see your low spirit, and they gravitate to you, wanting to build you up by letting you know how special you TRULY are. Good and bad, people are put in your life for a reason, and much of it has to do with the inner soul you project outward. If you’re not confident, and you’re not a fighter, if you’ve no spirit, then you’re a fucking victim until you develop spirit and true, not FAKE confidence. You don’t have to be an actual fighter to have confidence, just be willing to fight for yourself. Be an unwilling victim.

The saddest part is, what I’ve seen the MOST, is that women and men with low self esteem, would rather believe those people who only care about what they can TAKE, over those people who want to only GIVE care and love. It’s like the male nerd who chooses the hot woman over the female nerd. The female nerd is true love and understanding, while the hot woman only cares about the nerd’s earning potential. The hot chick is going to fuck the nerd and blow his mind, and he will be in love with this woman and be happy to give him all his money every week. And this same woman will be fucking around on this guy. She will be fucking a guy WITH self esteem and the nerd will get pussy once a month. Why did he nerd pick this woman? Because he NEVER thought and BELIEVED that someone like him, could EVER pull someone as hot as this woman. He struck gold and he will do whatever it takes to keep his gold.  Meanwhile if he chose the nerd chick, they could build together, not just financially but more importantly, spiritually. Both would have had esteem issues (nerds are generally not considered cool by society. It makes nerdy people even nerdier) but they would be comfortable with each other and that helps a ton. It’s like a live-in support system.

Someone who understands you and BIGS you up with HONEST support?

That’s GOLD, man. I don’t care what they LOOK like.

To summarize:

1. Children are cruel little bastards, (oh if I just had a TIME MACHINE and a good leather belt) but they are preparing you for society. And society can be very materialistic, and society will take what you GIVE it. What you give OUT, society will TAKE. I said it twice, yet differently, for a reason.

2. What is GOLD to you? An expensive piece of yellow rock or pride in yourself? Some pride can take you as far in this life as humanly possible due to belief and self worth. It can change your life and those around you who are lacking in self esteem as you were. It can keep you from dealing with people who just want to get what they can take from you and then leave you. Gold can get you money at the pawn shop, which would pay a bill or two,  but with low self esteem, you’re probably gonna wind up spending it on your hot boyfriend or girlfriend, because they are the best you could ever do and you will do anything to keep them.

See you next month

T.F.

Women..women..women. Part 9 :The heart wants what it wants..that’s the only way OUT of it, if you’re IN it..

For some reason I’ve gotten more subscribers lately.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, but you people must love a guy who likes to use foul/filthy language and get a ton of stuff off of his chest every month, but if you like punishment or a little roughness, I’m down to dish it out…just don’t call the cops, remember, it was consensual 🙂

This month, I would like to speak on my marriage… maybe not all of it, but some background on it. I can save more for another blog entry. The reason I’m doing this is because my marriage is rather unusual, mostly because the people involved aren’t very normal. But I think there’s a lesson to be observed in damn near anything…

Now, my wife reads ALL my blog posts and is one of the subscribers…all of this stuff will be memory lane for her…..

I met my wife Nikki during the age of internet dating. Now let me tell YOU, internet dating for me was just a nonstop flow of women, I mean it was CRAZY. I mean I thought I had my fill of women in Japan, but the internet was on another level. I was dating a new woman once a week for two months at one time.

My wife wasn’t one of those women we were friends. We talked about everything  (something that has never changed) including other people in our lives. She was in the military and every once in a blue she would come up to New York. When we first met each other in the flesh, it was AWKWARD, because we just weren’t very attracted to each other, but we were both rather adventurous, so we went to a hotel and the sex was terrible for both of us 🙂  …but it didnt kill our friendship….(We still joke about that shit to this day)

As the years went by, I continued to care about her as a good friend, but it was nothing more than that. But I did notice that on the rare occasions that she would come to NYC, I was ALWAYS glad to see her. Sure we would have sex, but we never HAD to have sex, I was just glad to see a good friend. But things began to change on her end, I noticed it one time when she was on her way back home and I waited with her for the bus and she looked like she lost her puppy. It was crazy.

(I still remember that face, makes me sad to even think about it)

So I asked her if she was alright, she said yeah..

I didn’t see her for a while after that, not sure if I even heard from her for a while either. I missed her, but truth to tell, I was rather used to women coming in and out of my life.

It’s the way I wanted it.

I was a single father and going through a TON of ignorant shit with my daughters mom. So dating women was a wonderful vacation from the bullshit. However, I was totally focused on my daughter and didn’t care for a relationship. I mean even if I didn’t have a kid, I woulda’ had one from adoption or somewhere, I liked being single but I ALWAYS wanted to have a kid. I was very focused in that regard…and ironically my mother was the same way, just a solo chick who wanted her baby….ME 🙂

Anyway, me and Nik eventually met up again and it was GOOD to see her. She told me that she had been to Brooklyn some months before we met up to meet this guy from the internet. They had spoken for a while and they met up to see how things would go.  He was a lawyer I think, she met his children and they were all well behaved children. Nik and this guy wound up having sex which involved a huge penis and a wild time 🙂 He was enamored with her which she found kinda nuts because they really hadn’t known each other long. He was even talking about getting her pregnant which sorta threw her for a loop. As I recall, she said this dude was too fucking perfect and she didn’t like it, I believe he still stands as the best sex she has ever had but somehow, on the way to his house and even after everything that happened, all she could think about was ME…

(SCORE BOARD)

Big Dick squad: 0

ME: lost count

Alright..just playing…wasn’t my dick action, remember he WAS and still is the best sex she ever had. However, she just didn’t feel for him. She told me this while sitting on my lap, and she was letting it ALL hang out, crying and everything. I was just expecting our usual good bye because I think it was her last day of being in NYC for a while…but that day I got the full disclosure of her feelings. That day, she wanted to be with me and only me.

And I honestly wasn’t ready for all of that.

No way in hell.

But I’ve always hated to see Nik sad about anything. She is just such a warm and bubbly person, and it helped me during my own problems then as it does now because I’m the opposite. I’m usually annoyed or in deep thought and don’t want to be bothered.

Trust me, I’m a loner and I KNOW it. Its not like I didn’t tell every woman the deal with me..But that day, I felt pity and not love. I felt bad for my friend and I agreed to be her boyfriend. Was that right of me to do? At the time, NO, but cosmically, YES.  I mean I’m still living with her and she hasn’t killed me yet 🙂 But the reason why I called her my girl was wrong and me and Nik both know that after talking about it years later. She has even apologized about it because for all intents and purposes, I was put into a corner, and the care I had for her at the time made me want to fix her sadness in any way I could. It’s not unfair to express your love for someone…it never is…but I suppose we should keep in mind how the other person will take that sort of heavy expression. Some men spaz out…I think I spazzed, but I spazzed out and just said : Okay. Why not?

But there was MUCH self sacrifice…first on my part, then on hers as well…. read on..

In the beginning it worked, but I always had a sort of…resentment, but NOT TOWARD HER. Just myself. I have ALWAYS shown Nik love and taken care of her since day one. I’m not one to blame people for decisions I make. But I did promise myself that I wouldn’t be pushed into something further than this boyfriends and girlfriend thing. This was apparent when she asked me to marry her and I declined. I told her then that I felt cornered into a relationship and I wasn’t going to feel like that in a marriage. Fuck that.

We managed to move on from that and then years later, she got pregnant. Neither one of us even knew, we didnt think it was even possible because she is a high risk woman when it comes to having a baby.

The problem was, I didn’t want another child. For years I made sure not to have one because just as I dreamed I would have my daughter and she was good, I dreamed that my next child would be a boy and sadness…So I wasn’t as supportive as I was supposed to be, I was rather cold…again I felt that resentment of being forced…yeah I know we were having sex but we REALLY thought she couldn’t get pregnant. I just was scared about this kid also.

Dreams I remember are the ones that scare me…

But as the months went by, I said fuck it, I mean I can eventually rationalize anything and we got cool again because when you love someone, you forgive. Then one day I was working on my garage and she called to tell me that she was loosing her amnio-fluid and that we were going to lose the baby..

The hours before she bore our son were tough…she didn’t deserve this discomfort and pain…then when our son was born, they wrapped him in a blanket and set him aside, because he wasn’t supposed to live….but he did for about a minute or two. During that time, I had enough sense to pick him up and watch him in my hands as he breathed a couple of times and passed away. After praying over him…and smelling him (i wanted to have his scent in my head, and in my memory)…I set him down….he was gone and I went over to Nik…she was so hot…burning up….she had a staph infection….and she was crying the way a woman should cry when they lose a child..

My dreams man….I take them VERY seriously.

Sigh….a minute please…

A lot of crying and soul searchin’ after our sons death, from both of us. I was a changed person and so was she. In regards to how i felt,  told her EVERYTHING…from the beginning to the present. But I also told her that it had be so many years, I didn’t want to leave her, but I needed some space and I didn’t know how to get that space 😦  after hearing everything, she spoke about an open relationship and I said, maybe, but this ain’t about sex woman. This is about a loner who just wants some alone time until he doesn’t want it anymore. I had a TON of heavy shit on my mind….I still sorta do but I’m getting through it.

The open relationship suggestion was due to my explanation of my feelings of resentment, needing some time to myself and our sex life over the last couple of years. See, In the beginning it was frequent, because I chose to dive in and make the best out of this relationship, but eventually you gotta be real with yourself…and my reality was, I was with a person I loved as a friend and not a lover. Don’t get me wrong, when we had sex, it worked, but it started to hardly happen anymore…because I just didn’t feel that spark that you feel for someone you have sexual chemistry with. Our relationship was NOT built off of sex, it was a friendship. Bottom line.

She wasn’t stupid, I mean she noticed but she didn’t know the reason, the deep seated resentment I had…trying to force sparks to happen at times…but after our son passed, I let it all hang out. I told her, life is short , I know it now first hand after watching it pass away in front of me. Sometime in my younger days, I had someone shot while they were standing right next to me, but that wasn’t like what happened with my son, it was enough to make you give up on a LOT of shit you thought was so important…even life… and I no longer wanted to bullshit myself or Nik.

So I told her, let’s just LIVE. Fuck working at jobs we hate, fuck doing what we don’t want to do, let just live. If u want to go out then go out, travel even,  don’t worry about me so much, just let me know you’re safe and vice versa. If you want to go out with someone, then do so, and vice versa, if you gonna fuck someone, be safe as possible…but I don’t wanna know about it, we both agreed on that 🙂 so, even though its not a fully open relationship, its got enough freedom. And as ive gotten older, I’m leaning toward not caring whether she told me about someone else or not. I can see looking at her a bit different, but i wouldn’t love her any LESS. I just WOULD’NT.

The truth was and still is that Nik has loved me longer than I have loved her. As I stated earlier, It wasn’t love at first sight for either of us, but we were VERY good friends for one another. As time went on, I GREW to love her and also the love she showed my daughter. She is a good woman, better than me in the good heart department because I’m not a nice person. I’m good, but I don’t have that “pity chip” that she has in her system.

Once I say FUCK YOU, that’s usually it. I’m mean, I’m unfair sometimes, sometimes I’m inconsiderate, moody all the time, I’m best just left alone…but she loves me regardless, which makes her special to ME. My wife is a prime example of the heart wanting what it wants. When I speak on the dynamics of my marriage people sometimes turn up their noses… but they don’t understand. Me ad Nikk GREW to where we are now and we are both unusual people, so we aren’t going to do anything normal. I can even tell you why I allow her to have someone else, because I know I don’t treat her 100 percent the way she should be treated. She should be wined and dined and taken to plays and shows…I don’t do that stuff..I mean we have a date night on occasion but she should have that all the time. So if someone else wants to do that with her then I’m cool, and if she came to love this person then that’s a possibility…but I don’t think she would leave me for someone else and if she did, then I wouldn’t want her to stay with me feeling FORCED to do so…I know that all too well. Plus I am fully aware of my karma, I’ve fucked my share of married women, so there’s that 🙂  Whatever….they don’t hate me and that’s what’s important. But my love is self sacrificing. My care was what made me say OKAY to her in the first place,  and put my life aside, that same care was my loyalty, but the more we experienced I came to love the person she was. You can try to fight some things but some things are just meant to be. But by all means, try to resist…because when you fight and it still happens, it shows you that it was inevitable 🙂

With nikki its the same…she knows that sexually she has always had a tough time pleasing me, and she knows she isn’t good at certain things like oral sex. But not because I ever complained about it,cuz  i get off regardless 🙂 She is open to experimentation which is good though 😉 We have had some fun times sexually, even LAUGHING during it..if that’s not two friends who love each other i dont know what is 🙂 but the sexual electricity, was never usually there. and PLEASE, sex isnt everything anyway, its as i said to her, my feelings werent about sex, it was about space…time to be to myself, time to sort through some very deep feelings and yes, some freedom.

NIK also knows that relationships sometimes need certain things in order to last for a long time. And for us, we both need our space, to let go, to not be SO self sacrificing for the other person…. to  be a little selfish at times . Bottom line. And we always come back home. (She always comes home later than me though, I like my sleep and she likes a good party:)  also, if you knew anything about my wife’s upbringing then you would know that she had no choice but to see relationships and marriage different from most. She could and SHOULD write a damn book. It would be a best seller for real.

In the end, with two people like us, it works….and the reason I eventually married her was because I finally felt as though I was allowed to be me and not forced to conform to the person she wanted me to be. We could have broken up after the deep convo we had, but I did not actually WANT that. In the beginning I would have done that 100 percent, but I’ve gone through a lot with her and vice versa…we’ve grown together and I like that part. And I’ve always loved the person she is. All the time 🙂

You guys have no clue the letters I’ve written and the words I’ve said to her when she was down, because she can get really depressed, or when I missed her… yall just don’t know…I’ve always cared about her…she got IN. That’s the best way to say it. I think I was just PISSED that she wormed her way into the door 🙂 but as I said, I GREW to love her… its funny, my mom was the SAME way with my dad..the exact same way…

I typed all this, just to talk a little bit, just to put it out there to whoever reads…

The heart wants who it wants, Nikki is proof of that. But if I was a terrible person for her, she wouldn’t have stayed. She would give me chances, but eventually she would have bounced. I’ve never given her reason to. I’m never mean to her, though i get angry sometimes, and I’ve always respected her crazy love for me, a because its how I used to be and its so pretty to look at just like her face (sometimes I can’t even look at her…because the love in her smile is just too much…sorta annoyingly sweet…I don’t deserve such a fan and yet she buys all my records 😉  But don’t get it twisted for one second, I put nothing past my wife:) she is a human being with feelings and urges ( and a bunch of lesbo friends) who isn’t wrapped up too tight in the head just like me, so again, we work because we ACCEPT one another im FINE with who she is.  Look, you can’t waste your time WISHING that the person you like would be different. That’s not loving WHO that person is AT ALL. Sure there’s things that turn me off about my wife and believe me its probably SUPER VICE VERSA FOR HER 😉 But she knows I’ve ALWAYS accepted her, at one point I just felt that she complained too much about me and that annoyed the hell outah me. Again, there was that resentment toward my decision. But that’s long been squashed with the convo we had.

But if you don’t like someone so much that you focus on their faults then that’s not love baby 😉 Love is the complete opposite, you look at how GOOD they are to where their faults no longer are important (at least until next month! Hahahah!!)

For many women and men I’ve met, there is someone who you are just drawn to, but  they might be yours to have or they may not be. But cut out the whole “soul mate ” thing, because we don’t even know if we have souls, but life partner, that’s something more realistic. Someone who is NOT going to promise you anything but is willing to stay with you as long as they have the love to do so.  That’s real talk right there. Because there is no such thing as “forever and always”…so let’s stop that lie, but there is LOVE in Attempting forever and always 🙂

For some men and women out there, that other person is a bad person, and unfortunately the heart still wants what it wants…your only options are a slow death or your heart one day no longer wanting the abuse that comes with that love you have. Pray for THAT day young ones.. pray that day doesn’t come too late for your health or life. It hurts me to see love abused and used, or thrown away just to be pulled back in…it hurts me so much that I don’t even like to talk about it with those people in relationships like that…goddamn it hurts. But these people are just sitting and waiting for a fucked up person to change and that’s not the way love works. They even believe that PASSION is LOVE…which it isn’t at all. Passion is just intensity. Think if you’ve been LOVED passionately or SEXED passionately. Passionate love lasts well AFTER the sex session…passionate sex lasts as long as you don’t CUM. Once you cum, it’s a wrap, until you’re horny again. try to notice the difference.

There’s plenty of passionate men, and many of them beat their women.

I don’t wonder how things could have been. I’ve been going forward ever since my son’s death… Nikki came into my life for a reason, and quite recently she saved my daughters life, literally. She stays as long as she wants and has my undying love and gratitude for that ALONE…even if there wasn’t other reasons to love her. I’ve spoken on my facebook group about my marriage and there are women who understand it and those who don’t. But they are thinking sexually and no matter how much I tell them that the reasons are not so sexual, they still take it there.and yes, more than a few women have let me know they are down to fuck if i want to… i guess I’m still attractive, at least until im NOT anymore 🙂

Any woman I speak to knows from jump that I’m married and I’m not leaving my wife. I’m good company and I love the company of women, because I find women interesting….but company and friendship is ALL I’M  good for and I’m really good at that. IF we screw, depending on if there’s a connection, it may be good, may not be…but don’t think I’m leaving my wife. There are YEARS put into what we have..that’s just FACT. I made her a promise, once she is gone from my life…be it walking away or death, then that’s it. No mas.

Marriage is a one shot deal for me, and frankly, I never saw it coming. But the heart wants what it wants.Fiight it as long as you can, go ahead, but make sure the person you’re enamored with is GOOD TO YOU and has your back no matter what. And for god’s sake, appreciate and recognize a good thing when you have it. I married nik simply because she allowed ME to be ME. FINALLY.

I go to my grave knowing i dont deserve nik, but as long as she still wants me and as long as i dont do her any harm, then we ride together. Good people are hard to find and so are good friends.

Maybe that’s what this whole post was about.

Later.

T.F.

However… do you WANT it…or….however do you NEED it?

Listening to “Inside my love”
Minni Ripperton sang the original (quite well I might add. No one other than Mariah Carey can hit that high C) but this version from the “love jones” soundtrack sung by Trina Brussard is DAMN good. I aint ashamed to admit I teared up a lil bit  on this one. But when I feel a singer putting her heart into a song, I get connected.

Well enough of this pussy-pussy talk…time to MAN UP 🙂 HOW BOUT THOSE GIANTS?? Ahhh who am i kidding? I hate football.

🙂

So…what do you WANT? That’s the question…Wants and needs…two different things. Wants are usually superficial things, or extra shit you’d like to have, whereas needs are things you cannot do without. Now i could give examples of each…attempting a boring juxtaposition of “wants vs needs” or i could make things more entertaining by writing a chronological lesson of “Wants Vs Needs” loosely based on my own life.. since MOST people laugh at my misery, im sure a few of you will chuckle along..i HOPE i get my point across as I frown and type…

As we live and breathe, we learn our wants and needs.

At FIRST, our wants  and needs are pretty rudimentary…you know, food and water, attention from a loved one and a roof over our heads….and entertainment of some form…a toy. Something to play with.
We are children at this stage yes? Stay with me now…

We grow older, we become adolescents and as social interaction becomes more important, our wants change. We want less attention from a loved one and more from our peers, we want better clothes, we drink LESS water  and MORE juices composed of high fructose syrups 🙂 We still want food so we eat a lot of fast food and our parents cooking. We have a roof over our heads, but the house we grew up in…our rooms in particular, become too small…we long to have our own. We also start to talk a little looser with our parents (some of us get punched in the mouth so hard they black out and cant remember third grade anymore….dont laugh…the shit happened) the point is we are coming into our own identities and we let our parents know in no uncertain ways that this house isnt big enough for our growing, yet still adolescent..egos…

We become adults, let’s say the age of 18. (HAW,HAW,HAW:)
We may or may not lose our virginity and learn things about what we want physically from someone. However, our sexual wants are not very refined at this stage. We know we like to be held, we like to be kissed and we like our sex to be for lack of a better word…”COOL”. We also want to hang out..a LOT. We don’t want to eat too much, only because we are busy having so much fun just being an “adult” We still live with our parents but we are totally getting the fuck out of there as soon as we get a job. And we want to believe that we won’t be like our parents who NEVER, EVER pay their bills on time!!!!  I mean what LOSERS! We also want to establish credit. Because we NEED credit cards.
We drink soda or snapples, pizza beats our mothers cooking….we are always on the go… we WANT to move..but in hindsight, we NEEDED to exercise some patience.

Fast forward to the age of 25.
We have our own place, but we know that one day we want a bigger one, like we’ve seen in the magazines or maybe we have been to someone else house that was so spacious. We also noticed how happy the two older people who owned the house were. They argued at times but it was funny. They have each other, and you tell yourself that this is what you want your marriage to be like….one day..no time soon though. Food? You want burgers and fries. Fuck it, you’re young and you only live once. You have a job, but you aren’t really into it. What you WANT to do is going to take some time for you to save up for. (Insert dream job or project here) sexually? You have been with more partners and out of those partners, there’s at least one who you like to fuck above all the others, because they do it like no one else you’ve ever had. Honestly, that person has shown you some freaky shit that you didn’t even know you liked.  One of your sex partners, a nice chick, asked you how you feel about kids…you said “fuck that. I don’t have the time and I’m not ready. I like my freedom”

Fast forward to 33 to 35
You are PROBABLY still at the same job you didn’t like. Its going to take a while longer…much longer than you thought, to save up the  money to do what you really want to do. (Insert the NEW dream that replaced the old one here. I personally suggest “rodeo clown” because THAT is a funny fucking job. I mean it even SOUNDS funny!)  BUT you’re no longer in the same apartment, the new apartment is larger and the rent is kicking your ass, but as I said…the place is larger. I mean you NEEDED a larger place right? Your friends are impressed and their approval matters.  Your credit isn’t as good as it once was because you sorta stretched yourself thin to get furniture for the new apartment.
OH, AND you’re late with YOUR fucking bills too. Unbeknown to you, every month your parent have a glass of wine and giggle their asses off.

That line you said “I’m gonna pay my bills on time!!!” is STILL funny decades later.

Your sex life is healthy ,but you’ve narrowed it down a LOT.  There’s still that person who blew your mind sexually but there’s also this other person who is really cool. You’re torn, because you know the woman you want and yet the woman you need just doesn’t blow your mind sexually. And you NEED to have your mind blown sexually. What sorta bugs you is that you’re not very safe when it comes to the freaky chick. I mean you’ve known her for years but you know that she isn’t just fucking you alone. Plus you’re all of a sudden….thinking about kids…and she probably wouldn’t be an ideal mother, but the nice chick seems like she would be. You brushed her off when she asked about children years ago, you didnt WANT children THEN…
Food? Your tastes have been refined due to years of being in different social circles. You’re down for some Thai, Indian or fine cuisine. You would rather wash a steak down with some good wine rather than water, but if its water, it had better be filtered. Because tap water…well its fucking tap water.

I will stop now… My point is made. If you cant see it, then explanations follow: What we want and need? Changes with the seasons and even THE MOMENT. That is my personal beef with people who think they know what they TRULY want in LIFE. Seriously? In the entirety of life you KNOW what you want? Riiiiiight. You wanna be a millionaire until you learn about millionaire taxes. But you were so sure though…

The truth is we know what we want for NOW, but we don’t know what we want for the future. But how could we? We haven’t experienced it yet. We have yet to find out what we like or don’t like in ALL aspects…and the truth is, we may never know.

No one on earth has had a full life of knowing and experiencing EVERYTHING. And most of us spend so much time working and paying bills and parenting..I mean how much vacation have YOU had? Traveling? A nice restaurant?..how much have you ENJOYED life to know what you want and what makes you truly smile FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

Another truth is that as human beings, we are NEVER content. And anyone who IS, is either too old to do anything about it or they are young and lazy. Complacency is NOT good. It just means you’re fine, but its just a MOMENT that you’re fine and life is comprised of many moments until the day we become dust.

If you know what you want or need, then by all means, go for it. You need to MOVE toward what you want and not wait /be complacent, and think it will come to you (don’t look for love though, that’s an exception to the rule) but just know that by life’s design, your WANTS will change, and for the most part, your NEEDS, the things you need to survive, probably won’t. As stated, people you meet, and sometimes people you have intimate contact with show you what you feel you want or  need from someone else in this life… and yet relationships can break up and married couples get divorced…wants, needs, life changes…its a reflection of who YOU are…at that moment 🙂

And as we get older, our wants become more practical in every aspect..we no longer need a bigger apartment, the newest car or a huge house.

In the end, A house will do, so will a car that’s dependable, or an apartment that you can afford, that doesn’t break you every month.

Sexually, we no longer need a sex partner who gives us a wild time every time we fuck, we rather have a person who makes love to us, and is willing to try new things (well, not new to YOU, just some of the freaky shit you did back in the day with the wild sex partner…shhhhhhh!!) OR…just a good friend who give you company…

Those “needs” were never truly needs at all.

It is true what they say..life comes full circle. Recall what we needed in the beginning: food,water, a roof over our heads, a form of entertainment and attention from a loved one….OH..And a good nights sleep!! Shit its 12 am..my heads gonna be hurting tomorrow 😦 going to NEED an aspirin.

T.F.

Women…Part 8…..A Fuckin’ break up…. just to make up…seriously????

(I’m free styling today. What moves me gets written. But I will try to focus on pain and loss and the possible rewards of both. I’m feelin a sorta way today…so lets ride with it)
When I think of break ups the chorus to “Forever Blue” by Swing Out Sister….comes to mind…

“Nights don’t come any longer…
Days seem to last forever…
Nothing you can do, can bring them back to you..
Forever blue..” its a LOVELY song, YouTube it if you’re feeling adventurous 🙂

.but that part……”Nothing you can do”…..well that part is debatable, because if you guys broke up on decent terms, like a mutual agreement, then it’s possible that there is still something between the two of you. Mutual break ups are something I know quite well. The reason? Well lets just say that I’m always the right man at the wrong TIME, and usually its MY watch that’s fucked up 😦

Truthfully, breakups say a lot about the kind of person you are, just like any other social exchange.

I’ve only had one “bad” breakup….ever. Dead serious. That would be my daughter’s mom. And that was more so due to the fact that my daughter’s mom is really argumentative and rather Bi-polar. But every significant relationship I’ve had after her has been on somewhat mutual terms. Sure there were tears and heartache, but it seems that it had to be done for one reason or another (side note, I grew tired of that “had to be done” shit. Just blame ME, everyone else does). Again, usually, it has something to do with me, they want more than what I can give them at the time. Regardless, for me it’s like a divorce and we split what’s ours…you get the tears and I get the heartache…

Hard to believe that within this tough exterior lies actual feelings, but truthfully, I’m a passionate person. I FEEL things and I make sure other people feel those things as well in a relationship. I’ve explained the kind of person I WAS to anyone who asks: I was a “love conquers all” kind of guy. “Me and you against the world”….I was a soldier for love.
THAT person was severely beaten by my daughter’s mother.

There’s a scene in the movie “The break up” where Jennifer Anniston is telling Vince Vaughn that she was trying to love him, but she had NOTHING left.

Real talk: that shit fucked me right up. Because it made me recall the pain I felt before I ended things with my daughter’s mom. It is a TERRIBLE feeling when you feel as though YOU are dying inside, and my love for my daughter’s mom was so deep that I was willing to sacrifice that person, just to keep us together.

Now think about that shit. Because I had to in order to see how crazy that sort of thinking was. The truth was that once that person died; there would be no love left.  And what kind of life would that be?
So yeah, I ended it and I walked away a different person because of it. The person I used to be was almost dead, and so I tucked him away and allowed my survival instincts, the fighter in me, to take over. And ever since then, THAT is the person everybody knows ME to be. It’s been over 14 years at least.

But those who get IN, those who can spark those feelings and make me feel just a little bit of who I used to be…..I give ‘em the world…or I TRY.

And usually, it just ain’t good enough. Truth.
I mean if it was, I would probably have 4 or 5 wives 🙂
(Wait…..whew!…damn…) The fact remains that every single woman I’ve ever loved wanted more OF me…even my wife. And I don’t know if I should be flattered or just angry about it. Because what I DO give, I feel is a lot. I suppose that it’s so nice/good they want more? Aint talking sex…just me. (“Machismo” huggie! Lol! Private joke)

Since I feel so DEEPLY, I’m haunted by my past a lot of times. When I break up with someone, it’s like my past, present and future is THAT person….mentally. For months they are all I think about, then as the year comes, it gets a little bit easier for me to deal with, and as YEARS go by…they become POIGNANT memories that make me take a seat sometimes 😦

Those who touch the man I was, NEVER truly leave. I just don’t know HOW to let those people go. And I don’t think I ever want to learn. What gets lost is that this is a person who you LOVED. And then they just walk AWAY…from YOU. Sure you know why, but it doesn’t make anything better. You spend so much time still worrying about them and wondering what they are doing at any given moment. Lots of times you want to call, but you can’t because you want to give them space and time to think…you’re hoping they want to call you or actually do call. You’re eventually wondering who they’re with….. I mean it is SO fucking sad, seriously.  The difference between me and most is that I don’t think it’s pathetic and even when I do, it doesn’t stop me. I think what does is when I know that they have moved on with someone else. THAT usually works wonders for me.

EVERY significant ex I’ve thought about HARD, were thought about less once I knew they had someone else.

Why?  Because now I know that someone else is taking care of them. Simple. I suppose I have a daddy complex? I dunno, but I love and care that much. With me, there’s no anger when my ex’s move on, there is a sadness, yes, because someone else is doing all the things I used to do, but no real anger because that’s life, we go on, we must. There’s not even anger in cases where the new man is thrown in my face. My kid’s mom did that once, but I’m naturally NOT a hater.  Plus, HE left her ass too!

The fact remains though that time apart (from me aparently)  is needed. Sometimes it’s needed for a couple weeks in order to know how you truly feel WITHOUT this person in your life and then other times you KNOW you don’t want this person in your life anymore. Space gives you a chance to not only regroup, but to think if that person was worth your time, and will you allow them back into your life in ANY capacity.
I happen to always reconnect with my significant ex’s.  Always. There were a couple of times it was physical (which is VERY natural) but for the most part, we are friends. We can do lunch dates, etc. I actually LIKE that about my ex’s, they don’t hate me. (Well, not to my face )

What I DON’T like is when I hear that the man in their life doesn’t treat them with the love and respect that I gave them. I don’t like that at all, and it seems to happen more often than not. The reason why I THINK this happens is that the women I wind of having significant relationships with are all rather emotional and complex people.
PROBABLY because I’m complex and though I’m not emotional, I am rather moody.

See if I was emotional, then it wouldn’t work because I would be tripping out WITH them. Instead I’m usually the “calm yo ass down” person. I think what people don’t think about when they walk away from someone is that it is NOT EASY to find someone who understands you and LET’S you be the kind of person you are with all your good and bad qualities. I KNOW it’s not easy because I haven’t had a lot of relationships. A woman has to actually LIKE me to be around me for any significant amount of time 🙂 so as a woman who likes me, you yourself have to have things in common with me. Hence you’re probably complex, moody, of reasonable intellect, rather emotional, have a bit of a temper, have a dirty sense of humor, lazy, but do what you gotta do to hold down a job, like sex WITH the RIGHT person and not just anybody…these were the women I dated. …I was them and they were me. I got inside of them and they got inside of ME…I loved them and I allowed them to touch me in ways no one else can.

And that’s a rule for ANY deep relationship. It’s NOT something you just find all over again. I KNOW. I’ve watched  and I’ve experienced. Special times are special for a fucking REASON. Walk away if you’re so inclined, just understand what you’re walking away from. Think before you leap. because i’ve seen many women go back to the guy who treated them better than most, only to find out that he has moved on. (i know a few really nice guys, y’all know how THEY are usually treated by the ladies) In life you take the good with the bad, by all means, if the kitchen is too damn hot, then get the hell out the kitchen, but if it really isnt something too bad and youre being treated well and more importantly loved and cared for, then roll with it. Nothings perfect because YOU aren’t perfect.

In my younger days I tried to not feel anything during a breakup, but now that I’m way older, I’ve since seen and felt how stupid that is. You should think about it, you should reminisce. Even if it was shitty, go for it, IF you want to. But don’t force yourself to remember stuff if you don’t wanna. The women I break up with simply go through the “not calling” stage. I mean I just don’t hear shit from them anymore. Usually when I do, it’s about a month or two later, but sometimes its years. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to call them, but I know people have to sort things out for themselves in order to grow. What I kind of HATE is when an ex of mines DELUDES themselves by believing some dumb shit that didn’t even happen(daughter’s mom). I mean if you know why we broke up then THAT’S why we broke up. Don’t take it any further than that by thinking it was all these OTHER crazy ass reasons. Sometimes space isn’t good when you start thinking dumb shit on your own. But as much as I hate it, I gotta let them come back in my direction when they truly want to or when life wants them to. It hurts the hell out of me….it really does…because my heart is literally calling out to someone I care for. But then I start to settle in and I tell myself some real truth: if a person WANTS to call you, then they will call you. And if they ever truly loved you, then they can never stay away forever, because they care just like you do.

So…..I listen to a lot of music and my imagination always goes to the past. During a breakup, the fantasies are about “what if’s” as opposed to what actually happened. These fantasies bring a smile to my heart. In reality, without music, I would keep myself busy doing chores, but it sucks because no matter what I would do, I would be doing it with the other person…going out to eat and even the movies are like going out with the other person, sweeping the floor just gathers up some of the strands of their fallen hair (women and their weaves and wigs man. Go NATURAL!!! 🙂
Going to sleep? I get there eventually, but first I gotta lay in the bed and think about my ex. Gotta get a little sad, I’m not trying to do any of this stuff, its just right there on my head and heart to do. I just don’t run from that kind of pain.

“Love can be pain, but to deny yourself the pleasure of that pain, is to love unselfishly”…

That’s me in a nutshell. THAT is the person locked inside. If WE love each other, then I accept that one day you could hurt me the most, but if I embraced that fear, then I would not love with all of ME. And that is not the kind of love I have to give. My love is passionate, it’s a MAN’S love he should have for a woman. Its intense, it’s always there and its TRUE. My love is never false and every woman I’ve ever loved and said I loved KNOWS that about me.

I would like to believe that is the reason they still care…maybe even love, me. I don’t know if they do, but I see that they are still around me and care to speak to me, especially when they are down. Someone told me that I’m in a class by myself, and they meant that as a compliment, if so, then so are the women I’ve loved. They were ALL special to me and they ARE special WITHOUT me.  I think they have found out the hard way that being who they are makes finding that significant person more difficult IF they LOOK for that person. We are all human, we have feelings, we get lonely and we tend to want what we WANT instead of what we NEED. God/life gives us what we NEED in its own time, but we WANT what we WANT on our IMPATIENT concept of time.  I would like to say to the women I love still that maybe they should remember how we came into each others lives…

We weren’t looking for anything..
We weren’t sad about anything..
We weren’t too happy either 🙂 ..
But we were in good spaces..
And life or god, allowed us to find one another and it was good until space was needed.

I suppose the important thing is to find that space of contentment with self again. It’s not about needing someone to complete you, it’s about completing yourself, because if you need someone else to complete you then you are FOREVER dependent upon someone else. And if they leave then you are LOST. I may get FULLY attached to the women I love, boy do I get attached…but when we part ways, I am NOT lost.

I am still the person I was.

The difference is that my mind adds a new muse

A new inspiration for my sadness….

The truth is that I am a man who is not happy. I have had times when I was, but those times come and go like the wind. My unhappiness stems from a lonely childhood, and there have been many times that life has shown me things that have hit me like a bolt of lightning, shaking me to my core… Every word for every story, paragraph, book, script or blog I have written stems from sadness. I AM an inspirational and helpful writer because I have suffered mentally and I am still in pain due to many things. However, god blessed me with a sense of humor and so I am a clown crying on the inside 🙂 However,  my greatest pain, I believe, is the loss of the man I was; The believer in love. Yes that man was foolish and crazy brave, but he was fearless because he had love by his side and in his heart.
I WAS the dashing hero I read in my romance novels. Ironically a woman damn near destroyed who I was, but who I am now, is not so bad.

I STILL love. And love is truly all that matters. Without it, we don’t feel. We become cold, INDIFFERENT. One woman would be just like the last. Without love, I wouldn’t respect women, wouldn’t respect anyone. Everyone would be nothing more than a body. Women would be reduced to warm holes to stick my dick into or mouthy bitches I need to slap the shit out of…

No one would mean shit to me.

I thank god, that I’m not that kind of person. But make no mistake; I WOULD have been, if I allowed someone to completely destroy who I was.

2,796 word count?? = ENOUGH writing.

DEUCES.

T.F.

p.s. i see people read my blogs, its much appreciated. if you have an opinion then SPEAK. That’s what the comments section is for, but dont walk away angry at ME, if something i typed brings up bad memories i aint have SHIT to do with 🙂

Women..women…women…. Part 7..No matter where you go, there you are..

Writers note:This is my seventh entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

It don’t matter where you run, yah cant go far…

no matter where you go there yah are..

-Treach “Gangsters Anthem”

 

You can bullshit everyone you meet, but you should NEVER bullshit yourself…. And yet many of us do it on a daily basis… THIS is why we can be so damn STUPID sometimes. Because there are some real mistakes that we have made, mistakes that hold valuable lessons for our spirit and well being, that we refuse to acknowledge. We are embarrassed by them….when we try to revisit these mistakes in our minds, we are hit with a feeling of such SHAME or PAIN, that we bury these mistakes…these LIFE LESSONS that we are LUCKY enough to have walked away from with our health.

I’m certainly no stranger to the process of making yourself stupid..you know “fooling yourself”.. as a perfectionist, any tiny mistake is magnified in my head a hundredfold. I can remember embarrassing moments from my childhood with such clarity that it sometimes scares me. My mistakes are seared in my memory, and they serve as a constant reminder to how STUPID I can be at times. I have been my most stupid in matters of the heart. But that’s nothing new to most, if not all of us. After all, LOVING someone is not far from insanity. Because to love someone allows you to throw caution to the wind. It allows you to not use condoms with someone you haven’t gotten tested, it allows you to feel that their life is more important than your own, it allows you to trust when maybe you should not..love makes you break the rules of self preservation that we are seemingly born with.

Love allows you to risk everything….for someone else.

Yeah that’s about right.

And as I said, most, if not all of us know all about this. And yet, we tend to love foolishly. Giving our love to people who we feel deserve it, but are proven unworthy of it. The truth is, if you’re a LOVING person, you cannot LOVE everybody. Because everybody certainly does not love you. Fact. There are people who will reciprocate the love you give, and yet there are those who will attempt to use that love for their own selfish gains.

However we cannot help but to be WHO we are now can we?Sure , we can TWEAK how we are, and we can even RADICALLY CHANGE, but at our CORE, we still hold true to who we are. But many of us do NOT know who we are…and this is where introspection comes in.

The keenest eye is the one that looks inward”  The old proverb holds true and it will continue to do so forever. Because if all you see, is what is front of you everyday, then I’m sorry, you are seeing MASKS. Every day, people put on masks to blend in, to FIT, to get through another day. There are precious few people who are REAL with themselves and unfortunately, if YOU do not know who you are, you are just as lost as anyone else. The first time I looked at who I was, I was scared. You sit back in a chair, and you close your eyes and think back to times that you made mistakes or times that made you cry, or laugh..you think about every moment that you can because these moments added to the person you are. Even the small moments matter: maybe you farted in your hand one day and smelled it, as stupid as that sounds, it says something about who you are 🙂

Often times, people are scared to look within because they feel that they will be assailed with terrible thoughts, thoughts that make them cringe and even hate themselves. And it takes so LONG to build self esteem, that many times a person will choose to bury a mistake and move from it..just so it won’t make them feel weaker. THAT is the problem. Your actions, even the most minute, help to define who you are. BECAUSE THEY SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF. What YOU CAN AND WILL DO in certain instances. However can you build TRUE pride and self esteem if you do not acknowledge your actions?

Some of us even convince ourselves that we MEANT for the mistakes we made to happen. This way they weren’t mistakes. Its a way of rationalizing the mistake…or convincing yourself that YOU were in control of a situation, when you werent. Like “suddenly” sleeping with a person you really don’t like, but you do it anyway…because they are there 🙂 Yeah, that’s what you tell yourself.  Reminds me of “Pee-wee herman”… dude would slip and fall, get up, and say “I MEANT to do that”  🙂 If you have REGRETS or feel like shit about some shit you did, then its a mistake to YOU. Bottom line.

I have UNFORTUNATELY seen MANY women with FAKE self esteem. They puff out their chests, talk about how they are so much stronger because of their pasts, and how they don’t need anyone. But in the dark, when no one else is around, they are SCARED, there are parts of their past that they STILL won’t acknowledge…and they DO need SOMEONE. Fighters know, the opponent that talks the most shit is not as good as he says he is. He is simply “amping” himself up, one good punch in the face or body will rock his entire world..his spirit will be TAKEN. All it takes is one good punch. Not to knock him out, but to break him. See what I’m saying? Introspection is SO IMPORTANT to your OWN spirit. To your MIND. Its just incredibly sad that many people won’t do it because the easier path is nonacceptance…or ignorance. But I understand, because what you see in your mind, the person you truly are, can be scary…and yet it is so..liberating in a sense, to know this person. Why do you think that so many gay men feel so GOOD admitting to the world that they are in fact gay? “This is who I am. I accept it even though you cannot. I REVEL in it, even though you will not.” Its something a LOT deeper than “fuck it”.. fuck it is to give up. This is about acceptance which is so much sweeter…especially when you accept the person you are.

If you were to ask me HOW to begin… I would tell you to think about your past and go back as far as you can and RECALL everything, up until this moment in time. It won’t take a day, it may take weeks, since some memories are just so painful and need time to relive and learn from, but it will be worth all the pain in the doing. You do not walk away from true introspection unchanged. There is simply no way, unless you are very young and haven’t had many experiences. You may find out wonderful things about the person you are..and you may find out things that you are ashamed to admit. Those shames are the worst usually, but confront them, and  if you’re like me, you can see them in High definition, watch the shit you did, accept the shit you did and DON’T move on, ADD it to the repertoire of shit you can and will do on occasion. This is how you get rid of the mask you wear on a daily..THIS is how you become REAL with the person who matters most.

We are BLESSED to live THROUGH our mistakes. We are BLESSED to experience EVERY moment we LIVE. How could you sit and act as though these moments never happened? As if those moments are so USELESS. Foolish thinking. I am STILL living and still make new mistakes, but those OLD “mistakes”??? THOSE are no longer mistakes when I do them again. They turn into “shit I will do on occasion.” These things are usually boneheaded moves but hey, that’s what I do at times. Yours could be smoking weed, doing coke, fucking someone without a condom, gambling, stealing..the list of shit to be ashamed of is long as hell, but we all indulge in something..we all have needs and wants that we feel make us weak. If you hate it so much, then why do you keep doing it? Addiction? Or you just LIKE it? You won’t know unless you look at yourself and your actions. For example, some motherfuckers are just lazy and don’t want to do shit with their lives, but talk so much about shit they want to do, but the truth is, they are lazy. They are tired and the truly sad part is that if they just looked within themselves and looked at their years of inaction then they could possibly walk away admitting that they HATE to work, that they would rather have a hand out, that they are simply too lazy a person. WITH that knowledge they could possibly come up with a way to get the money they want without working for it. Instead of talking so much shit to so many people that no one cares what they have to say anymore because its just the same old shit with them. There is RESPECT in admitting that you are who you are. There is a self respect and there is the respect of society because people KNOW where you stand. That’s a great thing in a world of daily masks.

I could say more, and it would probably help to do so, but truthfully I’ve written enough for anyone to understand what needs to be done. I will say this though: Ignore who you are at your own peril. Continue to ACT as though you’re a VICTIM of the “mistakes” you make and one day you may be afraid to continue living.  Simply because you cannot trust yourself to make decisions. You will live in fear of the shit that you are capable of.  In TRUTH, There are VERY few circumstances and situations in life that you do not have a hand in.

Man/Woman UP and accept who you are and the shit you do.
T.F.

“Women …..Women..Women.. Part 6 “It’s in his kiss”

Writers note:This is my sixth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

I run an adult group on facebook. We ask each other questions and members chime in with answers. One day I asked a question that I knew the answer to: how important is kissing to you?

Since my group is made up of mostly women, the answer was a resounding “VERY”

The men of the group, myself excluded…were more on the fence. They knew how important it was even though they themselves weren’t into it. So they did it for the woman.

As I said, exclude me from that way of thinking 🙂

Speaking personally, since that’s how I like to do, I love to kiss. However my kissing is not for everyone. Its deep, it’s passionate, I’m looking to entwine my tongue with yours. I love wet kisses too. Bottom line is I give tongue and I WANT tongue in return.

This is a stark contrast to the guy I was when I was a teenager. My first kiss, which I remember vividly, was with a young lady named Monique Badil. We were at my cousin’s party….an adolescent affair. Everyone there knew the latest dances and probably knew all about kissing.

I just chilled in a quiet corner. You know…NERDIN

Some girls are attracted to that though, and Monique was one of them. Now I knew Monique but I didn’t KNOW Monique. So I knew she was kinda “fast” but I didn’t know just how fast. So we talk and of course…I talk SHIT (ahhh to be young and stupid again 🙂 anyway, the shit I was talking was so good, that she called me out on it.

“Let’s go to the school yard up the block, I wanna kiss you. You got nice lips”.

She smiled and it was such a cool smile…I remember that smile because I wanted to shit on myself so badly….but her smile made my asshole clench up to keep from embarrassing myself.
With no other option, we walked outside on a cold night…to the school yard. I felt like I was going to the electric chair. I mean I had NO FUCKING CLUE how to kiss a girl. We got to the school yard and she leaned up against the wall…
I’m thinking “God….it’s….so fucking dark in this schoolyard at night” (yeah…I know…shut up)

She says “come over here….you standing too far away”

(yeah chick, there’s a reason,  don’t wanna end up tonguing your TEETH.)

So she suddenly grabs me and INVADES my mouth. (lil’ dramatic son.)

My oral virginity was TAKEN. (More dramatic)

                                                I was orally RAPED!                      (Oscar award. Bravo Son. AND might I add FUCK the   academy. God bless.)

I Hated my first kiss.

I tried to counter her tongue with mine and we ended up tongue fighting inside each others mouths. In my head, I was appalled.

I said to myself “kissing is nasty. This looked a LOT better on “HAPPY DAYS” You know, when everyone would be in the same car “necking” as they called it in the 60’s”?  Yes folks, that’s how bad my first kiss was, I was thinking about a TV show. I wanted to be anyplace else but there.

Moments later, she pulled away from me…now THIS will shock the shit outah you.

She says : “Wow! You made me feel like an amateur!”

You fucking kidding me chick??? That whole thing was terrible. I KNOW I was terrible. I mean my head movement was NOTHING like THE FONZ’…

Before I could pull away, she invaded my mouth again….so I fought tongues with her again. I mean I was trying to figure out what I was trying to do the entire time. Eventually we walked back to my cousin’s party and she was around me all night. Stuck to me. I took her number and when I left, I saw her looking through the glass as I was leaving!
Talk about sprung 🙂

NEVER one to bullshit….especially myself, I knew I had not mastered the kiss. I knew I was shitty, I just got lucky. But I had a problem: you can’t read about kissing, you have to DO it…and I had no girlfriend….or girls as friends…or girls who even wanted to BE my friend (You know…this is pretty pathetic. Amazing how I’m not gay. But this was also the reason I had a lot of fights. I was sexually repressed)

But eventually I did run into a young woman who really schooled me. Her name was Rashida.  She was the first woman I had ever dealt with that was the same sign I was… a Libra. (I was into astrology at the time. I was sort of trying to find out who I was since I felt so different and everyone made fun of me so much….again, MUCHO fights)

She was a peculiar looking person…but so was I 🙂  she was kinda spacey too….

Rashida: “When we make love..the mountains will move because we will complete each other”

Me:    “Kay”
Side note : It mustah’ been mountains made outah SHIT because I didn’t feel anything special when we finally did have sex that one time. She had her period too so it wasn’t very memorable because it didn’t last long.

BUT!!! She was a patient and caring person and her kisses were the same. They started out smooth….nice….then our tongues would get into a nice rhythm and the head movement would follow….followed with deeper and stronger tongue movement…this woman made me fall in love with her kiss alone. Of course, I got open off this chick, I mean that’s how I was  🙂 always wearing my heart on my sleeve. Long story short, I took a trip to the Bronx to see her and she couldn’t hang for long. Then some time later she told me that she was still in love with her baby’s father. I don’t remember how I took that news…seriously I don’t…but since I bear her no ill will to this day, I must not have taken it too badly.

I refined my kissing technique through the years. Learning that some women like short quick tongue flicks( white chicks and preppy black chicks) while other women like deep kissing. I’ve heard that my kiss is something to get used to because its deep. But it’s just an extension of who I am. I’m kinda MEAN, I give emotion, passion…strength….I mean, I’m a man. How am I supposed to kiss? Look, if I was a bit more feminine, then I could kiss like prince did in “Purple Rain”. I mean I won’t front, those were sexy kisses….but I’M not a hairy little musical genius SO,  I have to stay in my lane. And more importantly, I need someone who wants to ride with me in that lane. So with that said, the women who have enjoyed my kiss tend to be some straight forward women. No bullshit types..”Let’s GO”.

Here’s some man education for you women: You can tell a lot about a man sexually from his kiss, but I mean DURING sex.


See, if a man kisses you before sex, you know, foreplay, that’s normal, classic shit. I mean that’s the shit you’re taught as a man. You learn that to get a chick ready, you kiss her. HOWEVER most men stop kissing a woman once their dick is in. THAT’S a telling sign. REALLY telling. See if a guy doesn’t take the time to kiss you deeply during sex, then your pussy is all that’s on his mind during sex. Don’t get me wrong, pussy can be awesome, but it can NEVER be all about the pussy in or out of the bed. If he is into YOU, you will get a lot of attention with kisses and touch. You will feel like a piece of candy because you’re getting kissed on so much. Now there are men who REALLY love women and they will do that to every woman they sleep with…but hey, that’s not a terrible thing….just be glad he is sexing you right now  🙂

Think of your sexual encounters ladies…
You were kissed…perhaps passionately. You know, to get you wet…a little bit of finger action to make sure you were wet…then dick insertion. NOW…how much deep kissing happened DURING the sex? If you got a LITTLE…you’re lucky. Most women don’t get ANY. Because his dick is in….this is what he is concentrating on…your pussy. And to the next position and the next position, until both y’all cum or one of you….whatever. Now you may get a kiss or two afterward and that’s cool. But were they quick pecks? Was a deep LONG kiss?
Think about it. Actions, even the slightest ones can speak loudly. In life, not every action means something, but during an intimate moment, where two people should be connecting physically, then little actions mean quite a bit. A slight touch can give you goose pimples just as a pull of the hair or a slap can make your pussy tense up 🙂

See if you’re fucking….then fuck. Do you. That shit is primal anyway. No room for emotions. But if you’re with someone you feel is a potential boyfriend, then a telling sign is how and what he gives attention to in the bed. Was he all over you? Did he move fast or slow? Did he explore your body during strokes? Did he kiss you deeply during strokes? I mean I may not have the biggest dick on the planet but I have enough meat to Multi-task.
That’s the difference between a LOVER and a FUCKER:  a FUCKER does what he needs to get you wet so he can get to the pussy and if that’s what you need or want at the time, then FINE. But IF and WHEN you want to upgrade from fucking, then there’s a LOVER and being with a lover is like the foreplay never really ends and as an added bonus: LOVERS know how to fuck too, its just another gear.  Yet, teaching a FUCKER how to make LOVE? TOUGH. its a real mental challenge for them.. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most fuckers dont really care for the person they have sex with, they just want some pussy. So actually caring about the person you are is hard for them to express physically with deep kisses and touches that mean something. But that’s just an educated guess.. I’m a LOVER..so i wouldn’t know…but i do know some Fuckers though! They DO talk…quite disrespectfully about the women they were with I might add. if only you ladies knew…SMH

I came to learn all of this…just from the way Rashida kissed me. Since the first terrible kiss, I NEEDED to see that kissing could be beautiful and once I was shown that it could be, I figured why not everything else? Rashida was VERY influential to me.

I’ve told any woman who has ever asked me, that I enjoy foreplay better than sex. Foreplay is sexual with the added bonus of physical exploration. You can’t get that by fucking. You can get off….but you’re missing out on really getting to know the person you’re with. The right kiss can just set off so MUCH.

Women know the importance of a kiss, most men; just know its importance in getting to some pussy, its sad state of affairs but it’s not hopeless. Good kissing can be taught and patience can be taught as well. If you’re with someone who you think is worth it, then teach them…that’s what happened with me. I think that as long as we are social we meet people who are compatible with us in certain ways and we learn important things about ourselves by being with them.

Rashida taught me how to kiss and not much else….
But it made all the difference in the world once I took the ball and ran with it.

I wonder if she still kisses the same?

🙂

T.F.

Women…..women….women. Part 5 “Trois”

{Writers note:This is my fifth entry in a blog series that will end only when I have nothing more to contribute. I don’t know when that will be…I mean I truly don’t…but I intend for it to be truthful…as truthful as I have ever known things to be in my own experiences. Names will be withheld in some case but they will not be replaced. That sort of bullshit screws of my writing flow.}

“Life is funny..
The tricks it plays…
Can’t help believing in the hands of fate..”
“Crazy love” -Cee-cee Penniston

One of my faves…..fitting for this post.

When you’re young, lots of times you just don’t give a shit…until its time to give a shit 🙂

In the military, having sex with married women is normal…. Because horny wives are everywhere. I can’t even say you could blame either person involved because they both have valid reasons for their actions: she is a neglected military wife looking for excitement. He is a man in uniform looking for a good time.
It’s just a match made to start a fire.

The thing is though; you usually don’t take it personal. Because you know she isn’t gonna leave her husband (remember this line, you’ll see it again) and secondly, you’re young, you didn’t want to settle down anyway. In the end, you both knew the rules so there can be a little “hard feelings” but not too much. Now I would like to stress that for the record I never pushed myself on a married woman. I have a freaky honor system about that. And ANYONE who is military knows what I’m about to say is true: dependent wives will go after the guy they want.

So to reiterate, I’m no stranger to love triangles.

Many years after my military career, I ran into another married woman. However, unlike past married ladies, she was interested in me but didn’t push up on me and I certainly didn’t push up on her. She told me about her marriage and it was typical: she married too young and even though her husband does what he is supposed to do as a provider, he basically ignored her. He didn’t show any attraction to her unless his dick was hard and even then, it was very one-sided: he needed her pussy to get off. It wasn’t about mutual pleasure.
I suppose you’re just a “Hole” at that point eh?
For many years, she accepted this. THIS she thought, was what marriage was. You take care of your kids, laundry, cook food, go to work and get fucked by your husband on occasion. She had passion before her marriage but those men didn’t work out and she was tired of being hurt. Her future husband was a nice guy…and she felt that he was a good person to settle down with…And for the most part even I can say he was.

After getting to know her, as a friend I gave her some ideas, not advice…just some ideas of how she could maybe spice up her marriage. The problem was, her husband had no desire to do those things because like many married men, they figure: Why should I? I already got you.

You never think your wife is going anywhere else…and thus foolishly you take her for granted. It is offensive in a very real way to someone who you profess to love because their feelings should be job 1 for you and vice versa. But again, her husband was typical of many unhappy married women.

Meanwhile, things between me and this girl heated up and eventually we wound up fucking. She was good outside the bedroom and inside. It was a win-win for me because I wasn’t too emotionally invested in it. I cared about her of course, and we would hang and talk, but we would fuck on many occasions.

(NOTICE HOW INTIMACY DOES NOT EQUAL PASSION)

Looking back on it now, I think it was the friendship that made me fall for her. Because someone you can vibe with is not easy to find, ALTERNATELY, and this is KEY: you can be who you are when you’re friends. See when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you gotta be politically correct in regards to the other persons feelings, but FRIENDS can be jerks sometimes and you guys don’t have to go home being totally mad at each other, or lay in bed angry 🙂 friend ship is just so free like that. That’s what we had, we would fuck, but we could talk and even argue as friends. Yeah I got the cold shoulder at times because I pissed her off, but we always made up because you accept the other person as they are. Whereas in a relationship, you’re sorta stuck WISHING the other person would change whatever it is you can’t stand. Again, being friends was just so free for both of us.

Time went on, and though I had sex with a couple of other women( remember I’m single) she was my steady for YEARS.

And those years begin to make you feel a certain way. You feel comfortable with this person in your life. You let them be around your kid a little, you get upset when something upsets them, you miss them when they are gone and you begin to get upset because they fuck their husband.
Yep, you’re in love 🙂
Some see it as a fuck up, but its not. It’s natural considering the circumstances. When you think about how much time has been invested into this special relationship, it can only turn into something that you care about. And time was definitely invested. There were many nights I felt ridiculously stupid and foolish for loving her, knowing she was married. But I felt that she loved me as well, so it hurt, but the pain would leave when I saw her.
Sometimes I would get distant with her, because I knew she still fucked her husband on occasion….but I always forgave it. You love someone you just can’t stay mad at them. Her telling me that she hates when she does it with him didn’t matter. I mean, that’s your husband, how you gonna not fuck him?
Besides, I knew what it was from jump…
But I had no clue about what it would be later…the whole “love” thing.

It took many years but what we had tapered off. It tapered off because I got past my feelings. I was simply READY.  For all her professed love for me, (Which can i say was genuine) I knew she would never leave her husband and I wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted her to.
Because the truth is, passion goes both ways. We had passion but we ARGUED with the same passion. However we both knew that if we were in a relationship we would not be able to stay mad at one another and that would have meant a LOT. However, that was secondary to the main truth:the ONLY reason I was mad was because I wasn’t the only one. Its not that I wanted to marry her, I just didn’t want someone else to touch her. Yes I would have been loyal to her, I actually was, because the only time I did have another chick was to get over her. Yeah I enjoyed it, but that’s not who I wanted. In my heart I always wanted her. BUT I woulda never married her MAINLY because I knew we would argue a ton AND I’m not big on marriage anyway. So in keeping it real with myself, I found that I was being sorta….how should I put it….untruthful to who I was in a very silly way…because I DID like the situation MOST times. She wasn’t in my face all the time, I had my space, I was officially single and could talk to who I wanted to, and I did, but I didn’t fuck anyone cuz I didn’t want to. I was thinking that she had the best of both worlds but really I did. She was trapped in a marriage and I wasn’t. I could do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to, but she couldn’t, she needed permission from an overbearing husband, no MATTER my feelings, I was free to do me, leave or stay, fuck someone or not…and I KNEW THIS…there were just TIMES that I didn’t want her to fuck her husband 🙂 SILLY? Hell yes, but that was my emotion. REAL TALK? If she actually never had sex with him, she coulda stayed married to him and everything. Because I can be a moody person and I dig my space lots of times. My feelings were making me forget to be real in regards to just what type of MAN I was 🙂 To be even MORE real the fact remains that i NEVER asked her to leave her husband. YEARS later, Even  SHE said that if i had ASKED her to make that jump she may have considered it, but yall can see why i wasnt gonna do that. the situation pained me at times but for the wrong, almost selfish reasons.

The shit is laughable once it comes to you. And I didn’t start thinking about it until I noticed that she got SOOOOOOO jealous and accusing me of things…that’s when I started really putting things together. That’s when I saw how free I am and how TOUGH this situation was for her. Because whether I was just a side piece or LOVER, the TIME was invested in me. She CARED about me and didn’t want to lose me. So whether i was just a good fuck or boyfriend, I was important to her.

But far be it from me to tell a woman to leave her husband. Let life or god break that up, I’m NOT going to be the one to tell a woman to do that shit. Add THAT to the truth of my feelings …..And she is still married to her husband to this day.

Just as I figured she would be, just as perhaps she OUGHT to be.

She and I are still good friends and that will  never change. We went through a LOT, more than what I’ve written on this little blog, but those things either make a friendship stronger or break it.
But what’s  also REAL is that we had our time and we did what we could with it in regards to our circumstances.  And that’s it. We had years that can never be erased. i would NEVER trade my time, because i learned so much about…myself and how i deal with my feelings.

There were a lot of quiet times when she left my place to go back to her family…it made me think about how a man can get fucked and left just like a woman.   Make no mistake, being the third party is a unique situation. There are things that you know that the husband or wife will never know. Its like you’re a psychologist and sex partner, but in getting to know this person, you begin to see just who they are and its either not good or not so bad.

A love triangle is as old as relationships are..
So there is anything new I could write in regards to the dynamics of it that isn’t written somewhere else. I can however write about what I walked away with..

If you feel like you’re just a side piece..
Or
If you feel like the other person is full of shit..
Or
Or if you feel like the other person IS a good person, LOVES you and its just not your time…
Then my advice is simple: you stay until your brain or heart truly is done. You will know when that time is, believe me. The truth of the matter is all of those emotions are STEPS to the end result.

There were times where I said: FUCK THIS, ITS OVER.
And we would make up. Because life just didn’t seem right without her. i WASN’T ready.
THAT is what you have to come to understand, you will always care about them, always have an attraction to them…and even wonder what could have been. All of those things are truth and feelings, so don’t dismiss them. But what’s also the truth is that you get what you feel you deserve in life. If you feel you deserve your own man then go toward that goal, but if you feel like you just want to have fun…then do that too. But WHATEVER you feel, respect it. Even if its confusion on wanting to be with the other person intimately or not…feel that confusion, digest it and you may end up in the bed with them or you may not, but I warn you: Bury your feelings at your own risk. REAL TALK. Respect your feelings.

REGARDLESS of how you feel today and tomorrow, one day you WILL feel different. You just have to make sure you don’t fight it when you do.  You’re going to be surer than the other times when you thought you were. A good rule of thumb is that if you can go through the day without thinking about them, if your body no longer screams for their touch….its time:) that’s how it was for me.

And it can, and usually DOES,  take YEARS. If its something special, and not just two people fucking, then i suppose that’s how long it should take. Feelings become deeper over time. Care is Care and love is love.

Its gonna hurt….but NOT as bad as it would when you aren’t ready.Because you went through the steps. You didn’t cut off your feelings like you did before, you grew into your feelings. Until you’re ready, you HAVE to take your feelings one day at a time. You literally have to accept the fact that “I love this person and I love being with this person, but i know what this is wont last forever. But today isnt that day”  That is how i came to think, And it was a tough process to get THERE, But that helped me a lot…because i realized that everything was up to ME, When before i felt like i had no control, Because we were doing so much. I sorta tamed the love/emotional whirlwind and learned to RIDE it and knew when it was time to get off.  And as god is my witness that is an ability that has helped me a LOT in my day to day life 🙂
But i stress, you HAVE to be ready. Simple “out of site, out of mind” wont work because you WILL find them  🙂 LOL!!! The cool thing is if you guys really have something, then the other person is going through the same thing you’re going through.  When you guys don’t speak, its pain for both.

Alternately, If you’re just WHIPPED on some asshole person, they just take advantage of your weakness for them. Which will find you getting fucked and left by that dude  and feeling pretty dumb.  Ive seen that scenario more often than i have seen what i had. Many women just fall for such assholes and its USUALLY because of the sex they put down. It really goes to show how women need to be EXTRA selective of who they allow inside of them. Because when women get done RIGHT… y’all go ALL IN. and that’s BAD when its just some selfish dude. because he will use you UP and pull you back in the minute you start rebuilding yourself. VICIOUS CYCLE.

So understand, that if the feelings are really mutual,you both will be going through the same withdrawal from each other. it will be something a LOT deeper than a text saying “please come back, I miss you” NAH…you gonna get speeches on voice mail and long emails. See that shit takes TIME to do. “Please come back, i miss you and love you” means he just wants to make your heart melt to fuck you. Which is something MANY women fall for simply because you’re so sad and those little bit of words make you feel good. SET THE BAR HIGHER FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.
THIS IS MALE EDUCATION CHICKS.  YOU BETTER TAKE NOTES.

For good or ILL, when it comes to your heart, its just a GODLY thing. Higher powers have brought you two together for whatever reason and for however long, you have to experience it, your heart will not allow you to run away from it, until its time to leave.

I will say this though: the two of you will always have something. Always 🙂 and MAYBE…AND I DO MEAN MAYBE… if you guys are trapped on an island alone  things could happen. It makes you smile when before it made you mad that they weren’t yours to begin with. And you may or may not find this…almost spiritual… connection again, but at least you had it to know of it.

What else can I say? RESPECT the process…and your feelings..The heart wants what it wants and that Love has a way of making a wonderful moment or screwing up that same moment with thoughts of jealousy  🙂

“And as i beheld you, i saw you locked in a cage..A cage designed by your own fears…
You had known many “lovers” but it was I alone who LOVED you… and my love is deeper  than any ocean… and more Pure than any Lilly white fairy tale”

T.F.